I would suggest you try reading Micheles book the Divorce Remedy. There are a lot of stradgies in there that will help you pull your wife back to you. I have read that book many times and it is a jem.
Quote: It sucks...I took a lot of stuff on the chin for years, and especially this past year, and I try and get her to see the promises she's breaking...and I'm the a-hole. Ugh....
I think you've done amazingly well, DBR. A whole year of being in your position would drive anyone nuts (no matter WHAT caused the separation in the first place). A year is a long time to live in limbo and not know what the other person is really thinking and getting all those mixed signals and everything. So, for now, avoid her and vent here when you need to.
By the way, I can't believe she only moved 90 feet away! She really is good at the game-playing, isn't she? (Sounds like something I would have done. )
Quote: By the way, I can't believe she only moved 90 feet away! She really is good at the game-playing, isn't she? (Sounds like something I would have done. )
Ha...yeah. I should have initially seen this as a sign that she wasn't as serious...and honestly...I wish I had read DR right then...but the D word was never used by her at the time. Come to think...she's never said "I want a divorce"...I had to tell her what her options were in December after she just totally cut me off emotionally. (A story to tell one of these days).
Anyhow...it's a very complicated situation...and there are parts I would rather not post online. Just has to do with a very unique situation.
Quote: I'd feel more comfortable relaying more than surface level stuff there.
I understand. I mean, on the odd chance our spouses came here to check it out can you imagine the horror in seeing our posts?! My H would figure it out right away!
DB, I hope this comes off the right way. But I see a lot of self defeating thinking going on in your head lately and so far no one has said, Snap out of it! So here I am...:)
Look you are not blameless here. You wrote that she should be fighting for her marriage instead of fighting, well, lemme tell ya: All those times when she would bring up the Sex Discussion, that is EXACTLY what she was doing. Fighting for her marriage. The fact that you didn't listen or take it seriously enough is YOUR fault. And she shares that fault equally, for the manner in which she chose to approach the subject--with hatred and insult-slinging. You are getting into the "feel sorry for yourself" territory and, believe me, well ALL love this territory but it is really an unproductive place to be.
So you had a backslide. You can recover from it.
Let me ask you this: You asked how other people would have reacted to this. Well, quite honestly, I wouldn't have reacted that badly because my H is not PA and so I don't have a history of dealing with the frustration that a person like that brings out. Is this "more of the same" from you? Would she have seen this as the desperate act that it was, or would she have felt like you were doing something cowardly in order to get a rise out of her? If this sort of thing is something that you would have done in the past, then you really should be the one to go to her and tell her that. Tell her that you are not sorry for being angry that she ditched you in favor of a better offer, but that you are deeply sorry that you handled it the way you did. Let her know that you are still trying to break bad habits and that the GOOD news is that now you recognize that it IS a bad habit. At one time, there is a very good chance that you would have considered that perfectly legitimate behavior. She might be interpreting your silence as proof of that belief. So I don't see that any harm could come from you sending her an email, stating how sorry you are for shoving the stuff under the door.
The important thing is to develop a strategy, right away, for how you are going to deal with this situation. Going dark, initiating contact and breaking the ice, whatever. But sitting around and moaning about all of her faults throughout the years will not get you anywhere.
Sorry for the whack, but I so want you to get her back! And I think the current path you are on will not reach that goal.
Incidentally, I think what she did (lying to get out of the dinner date) was despicable. You deserve better than that. You also deserve better than to stoop to shoving crap under her door. Respect yourself and be the strong man that we all see here--she will be drawn to him.
Quote: She might be interpreting your silence as proof of that belief. So I don't see that any harm could come from you sending her an email, stating how sorry you are for shoving the stuff under the door.
Actually, I did start to do that. The next time we spoke over the weekend I told her that I actually wanted her to yell at me about my behavior. I did a bonehead thing, it was PA, and it was wrong. Rather than walk on eggshells around her I wanted her to let me have it.
She was bit surprised by that...but still pretty PO'ed...and she said that she didn't think we should speak for several days. I think that will just allow her to stew and get more angry, but it also might make her cool off.
So that's the reason I'm not initiating contact. She said that she would call me when she felt ready. She set a boundary and I'm respecting that wish. (Going back to being the respecting good guy after falling off the horse.)
BTW...it's her B-Day today...and it took everything in my power not to leave the card I got for her at her car or door. I want to stick to her boundary without excuses.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Just an update...and I'm just looking for some feedback / advice.
WAW and I went dark for a week following the whole ring-in-the-lope episode. It was both of our birthdays that week and I was out of town on work.
I sent here a pretty blunt note about how I'm leaving town for another job very shortly...and that I want to work things out...but I need her to look deep inside and reminder herself that she was once happy with me.
She found out some bad news about a VERY close relative last week, and I think that only made my note hurt even more. But something interesting happened...she admitted that all the things I said about her were true (control, poor self esteem, etc). I was really surprised by her reaction.
But she did at that I have my own problems, and that she thinks I haven't fully come to grips with them. (Probably true.) She think me going away will give her real space to think about things. She wanted me to take her advice and take the job. She said "nothing lasts forever" which I took to mean us...but she clarified by saying that being apart didn't have to be forever...just maybe for a little while.
Thoughts? Questions? Answers?
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
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