Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

Eric,

I've read the first 25 page thread you posted on here about your sitch and I've gotten through about 1/2 of the 39 page thread you posted. When I was reading them it was scary how you talk about how you were feeling is so similar to what I am going through now. I can relate to a lot of what you went through. It has also interesting to see how uncertain you were at the time because all the interaction I have had with you is of a confident man who is sure of himself. It is almost like your posts were from a different guy than the one that has been helping me out. Hopefully I can get to the place you are in now.

I hope you realize that this was NOT YOUR fault. Chances are you parents showed you love the only way they knew how to.

Yeah, I am aware of this. They did things that showed me love and were not the loving type. No "I love you" or no hugs or anything like that. I am not saying I needed it all the time, but when I seen other families interact it was definitely different than mine.

You do realize that YOU can change this. Right? Requiring someone else to motivate and encourage you is more of a codependent trait. I am not saying that we all do not appreciate and feel good when someone motivates us – the “require” is the difference. Learning how to be self-motivated would do you good.

This is one of the biggest things I need to work on. I am very aware that I can change, it's just the believing in myself that is the hard part.

What about YOURSELF? Loving your kids at the expense of YOU…is not healthy. It is IMO, another codependent trait.

Another issue I need to work on. I am not sure I love myself or what I have become. I guess when I was younger I had dreams of what life would be like as I got older and this is not it. My lack of self confidence in myself I feel is a contributing factor and something I need to turn around.

Maybe the therapist and I are on to something. Maybe you need to dig a bit deeper here buddy.

I hear what both of you are saying, but right now I have no desire to find out who my father is. Maybe at some point, but right now I don't feel I need or want to. This might surprise some, but he is not someone I think about very often. I'm not afraid to find him, its just I have no desire to find him. Maybe I will feel different in the future and I will address that if the time comes.

Is outward beauty more important to you than inward beauty? Be honest….don’t blow smoke up my arse. Be honest…is a women physical appearance more important than anything else?

No outward beauty is not more important, but when I first met my W that is the thing I noticed. I will be honest, if I didn't find her attractive I probably would not have asked her for a 2nd date. This might make me shallow, but I have never dated a women that I didn't find attractive. Some were more attractive than the others and my W was by far the most attractive woman I have ever been with. I will say my confidence was probably pretty low at the time coming off a divorce. I had dated a couple of other women before meeting my W after the divorce and both were attractive. I remember the first called it off with me because she was afraid that she was a rebound. The 2nd one really liked me from what I could tell, but I wasn't really into her. I remember her coming over to my place the last time I saw her and she made moves that she wanted to sleep with me, but I wasn't interested. I then met my W a couple of weeks later.

YOU seem to always give yourself and excuse. Chit…I think deep down inside, you may not want to be with your W and the only reason you do is because it is easier and allows you to stay home with the kids.

I do make a lot of excuses, I know I do. I can assure you that I want to be with my W and I don't really feel going through all this is easier than getting a divorce. This is lot harder, dealing with all the crap that I have to deal with. The easiest thing would be to get a divorce, tell anyone who wants to know that my W is crazy and she was having multiple affairs. I could also skip out on working on myself instead of taking responsibility. Then find a job and the kids and I go live our lives.

This stuff is hard. Having to look inside myself and all my faults. Having to figure out how I got to this point in life and M. Trying to make a commitment to myself to get into a better place. Doing all of this while having to deal with a wife that has gone crazy is tough. If she hadn't gone crazy, we could sit down and talk about this like 2 adults, but that is not possible with her. Even though I am working on bettering myself for me, there is still that part that wants to get this M back and there is no certainty that will happen no matter what I do.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the easy thing to me would be to not admit my issues and not work on them. That would be the easy thing. I could get divorced and just go live my life the way I have been. That would be much more comfortable than doing what I have been trying to do.

No More Mr. Nice Guy just purchased.
Good – let me know what you think.

The book is supposed to be here Thursday. I will start reading it then.

Gmail
Now look at my tag name…. that is a hint.

Understood

It really a horrible thing that happened to your W. Can you be in a sexless M? I am asking YOU. I want YOUR response…and do not mention your W in the response. I want to know what EAGLE wants.

I honestly don't know that answer. If we would ever attempt to get back together I feel she would need to go to therapy to deal with her issues. Otherwise we would be right back here again. Do I want a sexless M? No. I am just hoping she could find the answers to what she needs to fix this, if it is fixable.

Notice the BUT again…in this case it is being used so that YOU can GET YOUR hopes up high.

My hopes are not high. Trust me on this one. If there are other men involved there is 0% chance for her and I.

Snooping are we? The more YOU look at HER the more YOU avoid looking at yourself.

Yes I snooped. I have gotten better, but when I saw her change the facebook name I began snooping. I know I need to stop and I have gotten better, but its so hard to be stop completely.

So what are you going to do with this FEAR? Face it finally?

I need to face the fear. I need to figure out how I to face it.

I don't want a divorce. Everyday I think about getting a divorce, but I think about a lot of things. I really do love my W, but she does make me angry even though I have told her I am not angry at her. I guess I have told her I wasn't angry at her because I don't understand her emotional state. As I have posted about her, she is crazy. She has a lot of issues from her past that she is dealing with. She is also impulsive and doesn't think things through. That is why I think I fear her. She is just so unpredictable and she has the control. I need to figure out a way to get some control. If I go to her angry right now I honestly don't know what would happen. It might be good or it might be the worst thing I could do.