DB, I hope this comes off the right way. But I see a lot of self defeating thinking going on in your head lately and so far no one has said, Snap out of it! So here I am...:)
Look you are not blameless here. You wrote that she should be fighting for her marriage instead of fighting, well, lemme tell ya: All those times when she would bring up the Sex Discussion, that is EXACTLY what she was doing. Fighting for her marriage. The fact that you didn't listen or take it seriously enough is YOUR fault. And she shares that fault equally, for the manner in which she chose to approach the subject--with hatred and insult-slinging. You are getting into the "feel sorry for yourself" territory and, believe me, well ALL love this territory but it is really an unproductive place to be.
So you had a backslide. You can recover from it.
Let me ask you this: You asked how other people would have reacted to this. Well, quite honestly, I wouldn't have reacted that badly because my H is not PA and so I don't have a history of dealing with the frustration that a person like that brings out. Is this "more of the same" from you? Would she have seen this as the desperate act that it was, or would she have felt like you were doing something cowardly in order to get a rise out of her? If this sort of thing is something that you would have done in the past, then you really should be the one to go to her and tell her that. Tell her that you are not sorry for being angry that she ditched you in favor of a better offer, but that you are deeply sorry that you handled it the way you did. Let her know that you are still trying to break bad habits and that the GOOD news is that now you recognize that it IS a bad habit. At one time, there is a very good chance that you would have considered that perfectly legitimate behavior. She might be interpreting your silence as proof of that belief. So I don't see that any harm could come from you sending her an email, stating how sorry you are for shoving the stuff under the door.
The important thing is to develop a strategy, right away, for how you are going to deal with this situation. Going dark, initiating contact and breaking the ice, whatever. But sitting around and moaning about all of her faults throughout the years will not get you anywhere.
Sorry for the whack, but I so want you to get her back! And I think the current path you are on will not reach that goal.
Incidentally, I think what she did (lying to get out of the dinner date) was despicable. You deserve better than that. You also deserve better than to stoop to shoving crap under her door. Respect yourself and be the strong man that we all see here--she will be drawn to him.
