Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

Ct,

Thanks for posting. I always look forward to reading your posts to me. It's a tough situation that we are in and it is at least a little comforting to know I have others with me. This is going to be a long battle no matter what happens and we need all the support we can get.

And to answer your remaining question from my last post to me - my weekend with my son was cathartic, enjoyable, sad, and deepening; he opened up to me in a way that I would not expect a 5 year old capable of. He told me "let's talk" so we did. He said he was sad, that he felt alone, and that he was confused - all due to his mother and I separating, then he asked me if it left "my heart cracked". I could not explain that it did, I could not explain what I did to fill the crack, I could not explain that some of those pieces would remain where they fell, I could not explain how hearts can heal. He is 5 and only by days, I simply told him it is ok for me to feel the way I feel and for him to feel the way he feels, and that it was ok for us to be talking about it. What does one do in the face of that?

My heart aches for you and your son. Our kids are stuck in the middle of all of this and it's not fair to them. That is the hardest part of this for me. I can take this pain, I will figure out a way to get through it, but I don't want my kids to have to endure this.

The thing I regret most about my sitch is when the bomb dropped on 8/8. That was the night I found my W texting the OM1 and I went crazy. I took her phone from her and we got into a loud argument. She chased after me and was punching me because I had her phone, but I wouldn't give it back until I read the texts. Both of my sons saw this. I don't think my S2 knew what was going on but my S6 did. He was crying and was scared. He knows what is going on. Since that night we have not had any discussions about our future in front of him but the damage was done. If he sees us talking now and it looks serious (even if its not) he will often go up to my W and put his hand over her mouth because he thinks we are going to fight. I wish I could have controlled my emotions that night, but I was caught off guard and its something I will always regret. Just typing this out has got me emotional thinking back to that night.