Life has changed, and I choose to grow from it.

[CT1118]

SH_

Demons:

So now my focus is on my demons that I have held down for so much of my life.
I accept that I am an introvert. I have learned that there are many more introverts than I realized.
My goal is to adjust some bad habits that I have formed over the years due to my lack of understanding this, and trying to conform only to find it more difficult than it was worth.

I am text book, case study even, introvert. Amazing how much this can pain a life isn't it? Demons follow. You cannot change your introversion, but you can challenge it. I have been challenging myself for a while SH_, going out, speaking with strangers, approaching anyone, speaking with anyone, engaging in conversation randomly. I was amazed at how successful I was. I actually made a number of new friends. BUT, after months of this, I hit a wall in September. I have not gone out since September began. I felt an overwhelming desire t be alone (save with my son) and it has not gone away. After months of effort - poof! But, I am cool with that. I challenged myself a great deal. The demons became boring. I am spending time alone by choice, not by impulse.

The recharge feels good. In all that challenge, I too like you fell off from the amazing amount of things I was doing this summer. I tried new things, I tried things I thought I would like, but didn't and vice versa. I know the dark shadow you speak of - I always referred to it as The Demon in my mind - as if it were a person, like a proper noun. The Demon would take me at times, take me down, when I stood up to it, it was a useless as a child raising fists at an adult.

FWIW though, my insane effort to make real and lasting change took hold. I too feel a peace, but no longer like I am running. The demon inside me still exists, but I put it on a leash. It could still get loose, barks sometimes, but I am learning how to mend my own fences. As well, I have learned much here. Mach1 assisted a great deal as I see you receiving now; asks great questions that one. I too found a peace in all of this. I am not sure what for you does not feel right, other than the absence of the partner that you always thought would be by your side - I feel that loss as well. But in the past I used to want her around and sometimes want to know she was there, but not for her to speak with me - that was not a very good attitude in an R. Now, I feel comfortable alone and in my own space. It was important for me to get there, part of shining light on the demon (it is lower case now).

You can meet new people SH_. You can do it. As an introvert - plan, observe, mimic, learn, attempt, recover. That is what I did, its what we do best. I seriously watched YouTube videos on how to meet strangers because I was clueless. I will caution, I did take on many times doing what seemed most intimidating to me and also the greatest challenge to my introversion (why I did it)which was the blind approach to women in public places. I wanted to do this simply because it was so very intimidating, I never actually wanted to pick them up, otherwise I would not be at a room called Divorce Busters I suppose. But, for all of that I did have a few women ask me out in the moment and I felt like a jerk, because that is not what I was seeking. I never used lines, I never lied, just me not being afraid to talk, and being me worked for a few I guess. Realized I should have not been so naive, for me at 41 it was brand new, for others, I assume they had been talking to people their whole life??? Anyway, that was not what I wanted at this time for me and so I stopped. I do still make an effort with everyday people to say things they would not likely here from others, get them to smile, brighten days, be genuine with it. Maybe you can start there? Feels good.

Wish you well SH_ you have a whole lot of introspection. It is respectable.