Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[Phoebe]

Hi there, Miss Painter! Thank you for checking in on me!

SH, I know that you are worried about me, but i do believe that my busy schedule is not only not harmful, but I think that it is good for me. Does it bring me peace and joy? Sometimes, sometimes not so much, but do I feel like i"m getting better over time and feeling more like myself again, able to laugh and enjoy my days again? Very much so.

I'm enjoying meeting new people, I have quality time with my family and friends, I've spent many gorgeous evenings out on boats or riding my bike, and I have been thoroughly enjoying the antics of my chickens and cats and some other critters.

I've had dinner and hiked with H-friend, talked birds and plants, musicians and writers, and even social issues. I've been able to share the joy of raising monarch caterpillars into stunning butterflies with her and her family, too.

I have two neighbors that drop by every so often for a few hours to catch up and share a beverage and enjoy the goofy antics of my birds. One of them stopped by today and I just so enjoy these drop-in visits. They're fun people that care about me and I them.

I spend plenty of time with my parents, including most of the day today which was spent with my father salvaging the metal roofing off of an old garage that we're going to demolish. A day spent working outside helping my family can't possibly be a bad one. After that, I had a couple hours today with my Mom, and we saw a movie together over the weekend, too.

I've gone to the fair and concerts, ice-skating and ethnic festivals with R-friend, talked tomatoes and heirloom apple grafting, relationships and travel. She may not be the easiest friend I have, but she is interesting and I appreciate her perspective.

I go to see my many doctors - every week to my therapist, and to my GP every few weeks to check in. They're wonderful. I have other docs that I see, too, including two dentists. Seeing them all is for my own benefit, even if a root canal isn't exactly joyful.

And then there is l-friend. Yes, I spend a lot of time with him, too. We bike and go to the symphony, he waterskis and I ride along in the boat, I've met his skiing friends and they are a great group. He and I eat dinner together multiple nights per week and I now cook in my own home again fairly often (whereas I didn't really cook anything beyond scrambled eggs for months after WH walked-away, if I even ate at all). We also go to fairs and festivals. Last night we were outside in the dark, having an absurd amount of fun playing with LED helicopter toys I bought at the fair a couple weeks ago. It felt so good to just be able to laugh, without any thoughts of the recent months' unpleasantries.

I still have time to care for my animals every day, and I still get time to work on my farm, though I do wish I had more hours in the day. (Who doesn't?)

So... am I busy? Absolutely. Too busy? I don't know, but is it harmful to be this busy? I don't think so.

I"ve made so much progress. I sleep in my own bed every night again, rather than sleeping in my parent's guest cabin, as I did for the first 7 or 8 months. I'm eating regularly without forcing myself anymore, and I've gained back a bunch of the weight I lost (and that is largely due to having other people to eat with). I've met lots of people and expanded my support network. I'm Ok to spend a whole day completely alone, but just as happy spending it with other people. I only find myself taking Xanax once every few weeks. I generally don't need any meds to sleep, and I no longer find myself thinking about WH all the time. I have much better things to think about.

I still carve out alone time to get some journaling done here, though I am not having as much luck keeping up with my friends here in DB land. Sleep remains a bit hit or miss since the legal escalation a few weeks ago, but I did get a full 8 hours last night and at a normal time, too - from 1 am to 9 am.

Nothing is perfect, but I'm as busy as I want to be, and I always have the option of just saying no if I want to spend some time alone. That's what I did this evening, and it's nice to just chill for a while.