Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[CT1118]

Why does the function of meaning have to be so dmn elusive? The journey of the MLC makes no sense, even when it makes sense. I have read so much on it; here, there, everywhere. I read all the posts assigned and suggested. I have either read, started, or obtained all the books recommended. I have disassembled and understood all of the MLC pieces like limnology, stages, denial, childhood trauma, standing, touch-n-go, etc. And still, the MLC is more than the sum of its parts; as a whole it is a paradox, as a person it is enigma.

Towards my MLC spouse, I have felt anger, aggression, pity, compassion, promise, apathy, responsiveness, chaos, love, friendship, confusion, disappointment, lust, intrigue, inspiration, hope, nothingness, despair, loss, sadness, and joy. Towards myself, I have felt shame, confidence, pride, anger, apathy, pity, loss, promise, fulfillment, nothingness, inspiration, rebirth, happiness, supportive, confusion, inspiration, sadness, positiveness, and joy. Perhaps not all encompassing, but close.

I feel detached from the chaos kid and her actions, but I do not feel detached from the idea that I still want the marriage with the prisoner inside, who may emerge a free woman. I feel attached to the emerging me and my actions, but I do not feel detached from the idea that I do not want the marriage with the chaos kid who may never let her prisoner go. In this I can find no function of meaning in the way I have known meaning.

I have always been a personality who sought meaning from fact, from logical explanation, from science. In that search, once I was formally trained in science, I realized that science only builds models, e.g. theory; laws are indisputable in science and therefore very rare when compared to theory. There is no scientific law for an MLC, unless they decide to jump off a cliff on the planet earth. Physical law states they fall to their death as fast as their mass accelerated by the force of gravity will take them. Yet, this is where the proverbial action defies, where they do the parabolic; they seem to float very slowly on the way down and then they hit or they don't, either way; they either stay down or seem to float back up, back down, back up, etc., until resting on the ground ad infinitum or rising back up, as slowly as they fell. That is to say, there are no laws in psychoanalysis, other than the physically applicable laws of other science.

So where does this leave a man who has spent his life viewing life through the lens of science. Two choices: I either keep looking for the model which best explains that which I am observing (and feel that I have already found) and then hope that my observations result as does the model, or I choose faith. Faith cannot be proven law by science. Faith requires complete trust and belief in something, anything, regardless of contradicting fact, converse to what is scientifically able to be proven, averse to past experience to the opposite.

In the face of this choice, I wonder an analogy - if I love a 41 year old woman who has 45 years, with early parole for good behavior. Actually that is not a wonder, that is what it is to me. I know what happened to get her imprisoned. I understand the systems which led her to be sentenced there. I agree to my contribution which led to her sentence. I know that the prisoner is a good person and could get out early on good behavior. What I don't know, is what will happen to the prisoner while she is in there? Who she will remain in order to survive, remain the chaos kid? Why she will do what she does in order to survive, return or deflect? How she will choose to cope in order to survive, by change or by remain? Further, will I understand her changes to get through it? Will I continue to visit her? Will I attempt to keep understanding her experience? Will I be there for her when she gets out? Who do I become while she is away? That is most important - who do I become while she is away?

There is no law of science for this MLC. The best we have is theory. There are numerous models of approach, but the best I have found include the same components: take care of yourself for the better, and if you have it in you, this will be a long ride. That is again, of the best I have found. But sometimes science and faith may coexist. I can know all day that scientific or even pseudo-scientific theory tells me to take care of me. However, what does this require? I believe this requires me to examine what I have abandoned long ago, which is faith. Not in the godly sense per se, which may result at some point, but rather to me intrinsically. There is no one who can experience my life the way I do quite like me.

Why does the function of meaning have to be so dmn elusive? The journey of me makes no sense, even when it makes sense. I have read so much on it; here, there, everywhere. I read all the posts assigned and suggested. I have either read, started, or obtained all the books recommended. I have disassembled and understood all of my pieces like control, love, distancer/pursuer, denial, childhood trauma, standing, stages of grief, etc. And still, I am more than the sum of my parts; as a whole my journey is a paradox, as a person I am enigma. But science, pseudo or otherwise, tells me that I have a statistical value of pulling myself through this by bettering myself greater than if I don't. Science, pseudo or otherwise, tells me that I have a statistical value neutral or less no matter what I do. Faith, feels more important now than ever; faith tells me that with either result, I will be ok, that things will be better, that I may be in this for a long time regardless of the prisoner's sentence. Yes, faith, in me, in those who help me, in those who love me, in the belief that good things will happen because I emit good things...this is what I have decided to look towards tonight and at least for the next mile or so.

It has been a very up and down past few days, both by myself, of my interactions with my MLC wife, and with my son. I had to reset perspective for myself. That is what the above was/is about.