quote ----------- That same day my grandmother died and I had to fly out of town on very short notice. WAW said she'd take me to the airport because my car was still buried in the snow. That next morning she never answered when I called her. She had been out the night before with friends. Needless to say I had to dig out and rush to my flight. She later said she was sorry, but she was really tired, and I should have come and knocked on her door. But...that I should know she'll be there for me. --------------
I fail to see how in the heck she was there for you when she didn't do what she said she would. Your grandmother passing away and having to get to the airport was a very big deal in my opinion. I'm sure many will bash me for this one, but you were relying on her to do what she said and she didn't do it. Seems to me she turned things around on you and made you the bad guy in this when it was her who failed to keep her word.
Hey DBR: "The package of broken promises." Very poetic. I might have done the same thing, except, I would have taken the ring to a pawn shop and put the receipt in the bag.
I haven't read the Divorce Remedy or the other Divorce books, but I know enough to tell you that you should "go dark" for a while. No sense wasting your energies repeatedly telling her that you were an ass, or begging for her to come back. Stop bugging her. Go get a haircut. Buy a nose-hair trimmer. Use it. Do something nice for yourself.
Hairdog, who treats himself to a 14 ounce bag of peanut M&Ms when he feels bad.
Quote: I fail to see how in the heck she was there for you when she didn't do what she said she would.
Well, I was being sarcastic. There are so many times when I have been there for her, and on each occasion she takes and takes. But when I've needed her, then she's just not there. She says she always will be, but actions speak louder than words.
Honestly, at this point I've been a giver for 8 1/2 years. She's been a taker all that time. I don't think I have anything left to give at this point.
Like HH said...she wants me to be the bad guy, like the men who hurt her in her past (father, rape, cheaters, etc). That way she can say it was me, not her. That way she doesn't have to confront the fact that she's letting a "nice guy" go because he's not perfect. But I'm not going to be that bad guy...cause that's just not who I am.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Quote: That way she doesn't have to confront the fact that she's letting a "nice guy" go because he's not perfect. But I'm not going to be that bad guy...cause that's just not who I am.
Great attitude, DBR. How are you feeling today?
I also agree with hdog that "going dark" for awhile might be a good idea. It will be like doing a 180 - you might just shock her and she won't know what to do since she's probably expecting you to grovel about this for awhile.
Quote: Great attitude, DBR. How are you feeling today?
Honestly, like crap. It was a year ago today that she said she was moving out. Of course, it took her another month and a half to do it. And it just seems like I've been taken on this year long emotional roller coaster. I feel pretty used and pretty empty.
Quote: I also agree with hdog that "going dark" for awhile might be a good idea.
Yeah, I've done that before and it's always brought her back to reality. But I really think this time it's over. She thinks I'm crazy, haven't changed, and not someone she can be with.
It's funny...I guess her response to what I left for her says it all. After all this time she'd rather fight than....fight for her marriage.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
You've definitely hit the nail on the head, DBR. It seems she's been awaiting an excuse to blame you for everything. I've been guilty of that myself, and it's a hard habit to break.
It's even more difficult that this is all coming to a head around your birthdays, and the anniversary date of your separation. Nerves are raw on both sides. It's a good time to take a breather and clear your head for a few days. Meantime, hopefully she won't feel the need to do anything drastic and PA to "get back at you" for your regrettable mistake on Friday.
HH...thanks for the good advice. BTW...what would your reaction have been to what I did?
Also, I actually received a job offer today that would take me to another state. WAW knew I had gone out of town to interview and on Friday I didn't yet know if I was going to get the job...so that was yet another thing I wanted to talk about.
I will probably need to make a decision this week. It would give me a fresh start...but I'm hoping that it might make her come to her senses.
I told her before I went to interview that maybe she could move back while I moved away for a year. That way we might actually cherish the time we do get to spend together...but wouldn't be on our nerves. Or...maybe I just need to move on...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Hmmm...well...(trying to put myself in your WAW's shoes)...I would frankly have been PISSED, DBR! I would have called and said horrible things to you, but inside I would feel very desperate. Seeing your wedding ring in that envelope would have been a huge shock and a jolt to me. All along I'd been feeling I was so in control of this situation, dangling you by a string and holding sex out there like a carrot you might again get from me someday after I had proved to you how hard it was to be rejected over and over like I had felt in our marriage. But now, here was your wedding ring in an envelope under my door. I'd take that as a sign that you were sick of the fight for our marriage, that you were giving up. At this point I'd know that I had two options: 1) to run to you and beg your forgiveness and tell you I love you and I want our marriage and I'm sorry for all the crap I've been pulling, or 2) to choose to see the ring-in-the-lope as a sign of all-out war, to make you feel the hurt I'd felt when I saw that under my door; in short, to one-up you. My heart would be telling me to do Option 1, but my head (with all that past misery swirling about inside, telling me I'll never truly be worthy of any good man) would tell me to take Option 2 (in order to protect my heart).
So, anyway, that's why I said what I did earlier about her doing something PA to get back at you. In short, I would not be surprised if she made some kind of legal move against you this week - maybe file papers of some kind. Hopefully she won't, but if she DOES do this DBR I'd look at it as a symbol of her pain/anger and try not to get pissed in return. (Ya, I know, easy for me to say!)
There have been a few times in the past couple of years where I've thought the only way to get through to my H would be to file papers against him, (in my own head) to make him REALLY see how much I was hurting and how desperate I was feeling. It was because I felt so out-of-control, so crippled by my own anger that I could think of no other way to tell him how I was feeling.
As for the out-of-town job, I'm not going to say you should take it or not. But whatever decision you make, do it for the right reasons. If you really want to stay and fight for your marriage, then don't take it. Moving away is not going to send the right signal - it's really a PA move on your part if you take the job just because it might get her attention. However, if you really think it's time to move on and maybe take that long break your W has been hinting about, perhaps moving to another state would be helpful in your own recovery so you weren't constantly surrounded by memories of her. (How far of a move are we talking, DBR? Next state over or across the country?)
Ironically, my H has just been offered a transfer/promotion with his company - 3000 miles away to Pennsylvania! Part of me thinks he should take it and go away for a year and maybe that would make him miss me enough to have sex with me. How sick is that?!?!? Anyway, I'm also in thinking-about-moving-far-away mode myself (the difference being that H and the kids and all of our crap - emotional and not - would be coming along too).
Quote: In short, I would not be surprised if she made some kind of legal move against you this week - maybe file papers of some kind.
Yeah, I thought of that as a possibility. She literally just moved 90 feet away into another apartment when she did move out. So I wouldn't be surprised in the least if she did some restraining order or some other move.
Again, I think she has just been looking for nails to put in the coffin for a year now. I can think of a million worse things I could have done...but the ring-in-the-lope was the most symbolic non-threatening non-physical thing I could think of. My word is the currency I trade on in life...and a promise is a promise...not just idle words.
I know that right now she's probably scared of me. And that, for me at least, points to the fact that she knows she need confusing the hell out of me, using me, and other things. If she knows anything about me...it's that I'm not aggressive or violent. Remember, I'm the PA guy...
Quote: If you really want to stay and fight for your marriage, then don't take it. Moving away is not going to send the right signal - it's really a PA move on your part if you take the job just because it might get her attention.
Well, I want to stay and fight for my marriage but I now think she's going to use this PA move to totally end things. Before this incident...I think the prospect of me really leaving might have jarred something in here. Now I think she'll just want me to go away.
It sucks...I took a lot of stuff on the chin for years, and especially this past year, and I try and get her to see the promises she's breaking...and I'm the a-hole. Ugh....
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
DBR, I just want you to know I've been reading your posts during this latest turn of events, and I'm deeply saddened by it. I haven't posted on your thread, because I have no words of advice for you - where you're at is a LONG way from anything I have experience with. But I wanted you to know I'm praying for you, and I do think you'll be okay when the dust finally settles, whatever the outcome. You seem very level-headed and self-aware, and maybe "okay" will have a different definition for you than you would have foreseen, and maybe it'll take some painful time to get there, but get there you will.. I'm confident of it. I'm pullin' for ya, FWIW...
