My husband and I are both 27 years old we have been married for 3 years and have a 3 year old. We were together for 2 years before we got married. We got pregnant without planning for it so we got married because we were together for a long time before. We have always had problems.... It has always seemed to me that my husband has always put his wishes and social life ahead of our relationship. Honesty is something that is very important to me and he has lied to me many times about a variety of stuff. He also cheated on me a few times during our dating years and he didn't come clean until this last winter. I went from a confident go getter kind of person to a meek little mouse. It seemed like all her cares about is spending time with his friends. I also think he is a functioning alcoholic and is also addicted to porn. Anyways.... I tried many times to communicate with him but it seemed that my calm approach never worked and then I finally got to a place where I was mean and nasty and unkind. We got to where we would fight a lot. Fast forward to this year. He left at the end of December and then we got back together in mid February. Then he left again at the beginning of May and has not returned. He has said and still says he wants a divorce. He has not filed...he says he wants to do it as cheaply and amicably as possible. Its funny...we raise cattle and he sold two cows this spring so that he could go to a bachelor party in Vegas but won't spend the money on an attorney to get a divorce. He has said that he has filled out his portion of the paperwork and is just waiting for me to fill out mine. I don't know how divorces work but I didn't think he really needed my cooperation so I don't understand why he wants me to talk to him about the process. It feels like he just wants me to happily comply and take care of the process for him. What do I do? We don't talk very much and there has been no physical intimacy since before he left. I have asked him if there is someone else and he says no and I haven't heard anything around town. We live in a very rural community and I kind of think that by now I would have heard at least a little something about someone else if there was someone. Anyways...if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. Sometimes I feel like I should just file and get it done but I don't want that. Also, he lives in his parents basement and they completely and totally enable him. His only responsibility there is that he has to take out the trash and he shares that responsibility with his dad. What do I do? Is it too late? Should I just file? I live in our house should I leave? Should I get something else to drive? I'm so confused.
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Oh I forgot to say in my first post that we have been separated for 4 months almost 5. i have also read The Divorce Remedy and have had two phone sessions with a counselor from here. I just feel like he is already gone. I haven't begged in a long time...we hardly talk or see each other. I am at the last resort technique but don't what I should do to change really? It just feels so hopeless. He hasn't shown a shred of regret or second thoughts since he left. He wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole.
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
Also, I've had a lot of friends and family telling me to go ahead and just file for divorce myself and get it over with. They say just get it done and move on and that it will either motivate him to come back and if not I will have my answer. That just seems so wrong to me. I don't want to file because I feel like that is what he wants me to do. I want to save this. How do I approach this?
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
First, I like your name. Has special meaning for me.
Two, please put a summary of your situation in your signature. Click on My Stuff -> Edit Profile. Lots of similar stories here, so having your summary at the bottom helps us remember who you are. Look at other people's signatures to see what kind of stuff people put there.
You haven't mentioned anything about your H and your 3 year old. Has he been a good father?
Regarding the divorce process -- just search the internet for "divorce <the name of your state>". That will give you some state-specific information, including "no fault divorce," which lets either spouse get a divorce without any reason.
Why does he want you to cooperate on the divorce? I believe in many states (like where I am), if spouses agree on everything (kids, money, property), then you can file for divorce by filling out a bunch of paperwork and paying a few hundred bucks. No lawyers, no nothing.
Now about what you should do -- do what you want! You don't want a divorce, at least at this point. Then do nothing. Let him file for divorce. But you're going to think long and hard about what it is that you want. It sounds like your H has some serious issues. You have to look at that with eyes wide open and decide if you still want him.
And then -- here is the part that everyone else here will hammer on -- be the best person you feel you should be. Be the lighthouse that your lost H will see. Be the lighthouse that you are proud of. Become the person that your spouse would be a fool to leave. To be honest w/ you, the odds are bad. Very bad. Most likely your D will not be busted. Odds are your spouse will never be the H you want him to be, the father you want him to be. So you're going to have to do all that mainly for yourself, for your child, and for the fact that it's the right and good thing to do.
I'm not a vet in the forum. I've got my own messed up situation, my own sorrows. Just offering my two cents.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
p.s. Simple things to do: don't pursue, don't beg, argue or reason with him -- it's only going to drive him further away. Be kind but firm when you talk to him, but on the brief side. Don't spy, unless you want to stay up all night for days on end and lose a few pounds.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
My husband is a very good father and always has been. However, I am not there to know for sure but his mother helps him out a lot. Once again it seems that he puts his activities ahead of spending time with his daughter. On the weekends that he has her he does spend time with her but I don't think he is the predominant caregiver.
Me: 27 H: 27 Married: 3 years H left May 2016 Daughter: 3 years old
