Cherry.Papers filed "am I making a mistake".focus!

[Coly23]

Hi Cherry, I'm sorry you were feeling a bit bleugh this evening. I always find it a little annoying that DB suggests not to initiate R talks but our WS can initiate to their hearts content! I would just go out tomorrow and say you forgot!

I was speaking with my friends at the weekend saying how much I regret telling my H if he wanted to leave then he should and that it would be so much better if he was home so we could work on our R but you know I'm not so sure now. I think of the time just after Christmas (BD) and when he left in May and remember how miserable we both were. These were the days before I read DR or found this forum but I actually inadvertently did a few 180's but it didn't seem to make much of a difference. I think he had made mind up that he didn't want to be in the M and seeing my desperate puppy eyes every day was making it worse.

Idk, maybe if I had all the necessary tools, which included the knowledge that constantly having R talks is not good, I may not be in this position now. But then again I just remember the turmoil and confused state he was in so I have come to the conclusion that the physical separation for us was probably inevitable and I dont think I could have stopped it. I think my life would have been ten times worse if he was still here... maybe.... Ugghh!

[ForGump]

in-house sep is torture

not only that, it makes your spouse focus all his discontentment on you, when really you are not the problem

[Coly23]

I think your right Gump. I imagine that when my H is sitting on his own in his one bedroom flat feeling miserable he doesn't have me or our M to focus all the blame onto.

Going dark or doing LRT is also much easier with physical selection. Even though I still really miss him and would probably sell my soul to have him back I know that staying in constant contact with him just isn't going to bring him any closer to me or give him the chance to miss me. I've really embraced not initiating any contact but if he contacts me I am friendly but short on words. I don't know if this will work to help him to miss me but it is actually making me feel a little calmer...

[Coly23]

*separation!

[Cherry]

Thanks forgump, I know this, but it's still a bit tough at times. I guess we can be the best we can, but we all have times when we just want to shut ourselves away. Especially the same thing over and over.

Shall try and relax this evening and get some rest. He can schedule his "talk" around me, not the other way round.

[Cherry]

Thanks coly. Yeah the first time I went through this, I used to think well at least he is still at home. But it's hard, them coming and going as they please. The constant mood swings, bouts of anger. And yeah I think for sure they feel this anger/depression/uncertainty and they see us and feel it must be our thoughts- so we get spewed at. Then there's the blowing hot and cold. Only last week he was telling me this is a mistake and he loves me, then back to not again.

And while you can keep going and pay no mind. It does become exhausting. And I think once they alone and need to do things by themselves and you're no longer there to put the blame onto, they have to look inside.

Meanwhile, he still has the ease of being at home and full cupboards, cooked food, bills paid, there child there. It's not exactly giving them the experience of what they say they desire.

[hawker]

Sorry Cherry, you don't deserve to be treated that way but it sounds like you are handling it well. I think I have read that more relationships survive when the couple separate. When my W left I think she thought it gave her permission to move the EA to a PA....blah...oh well...it is what it is....

[Cherry]

Yeah I read that hawker. I guess in the start that was always my worry. But now I just don't know. I see it as he will do what he wants anyway. And living at home with a person who is no longer your spouse, well now it's starting to feel a little like he is still just here to save money and make it easier on himself, and that's not easier for me. Maybe my home would be calmer without him, just feels like the inevitable being dragged out right now.

[hawker]

Oh, I totally agree that they will do what they want anyhow. It was easier for me when she left though, she wasn't the same person that I married and it was hard being around them like that so much.

[Natus]

I have to echo everyone else, in-house was torture. Once we physically separated was like a weight of my shoulders. Sure i cried for the first 2 - 3 weeks as reality of life without spouse set in but at the same time relief and a feeling of possibility sets in. You are free to pursue your life with your child the way you want it.

It'll be hard but exciting as well like knowing you are going to climb a mountain something switches on inside. There will ofcourse be obstacles and days that you feel like the world is ending for you but it will pass.