Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #4]

[CT1118]

Seems like nice gestures to me. Others will likely say you were being Mr. Nice Guy. All of this stuff is impossible. I like your idea of just doing what feels right, then and there.

JRuss
I am not going to comment on FG being nice or not, if his W has a mental disorder - that is entirely a new ball game in terms of response. However, this stuff can seem impossible - and perhaps what will be will be. But the one thing which is not impossible is doing our best to become our best, given the situation, that is DB, or a rose by any other name.

FG - my first wife was diagnosed with BPD. I am highly familiar with what living with one feels like. However, before diagnosis, she was a liar, a cheater, a con artist, and an alcoholic at 28 years old. She was in no MLC or any type zone. We had no kids and I was only 30, broke, and miserable. I had nothing to do but gain and the desire for D was mutual. However, I did not make myself better in the process, it ended and I blamed her for years. I don't think I fully forgave her until this year when life forced me to take a very hard look at myself and how I have been in the past, who I am today, and who I want to be.

Listen though, all of you, the DB process is intended to make you better. To make you better as a communicator, as a negotiator, at living your life, at knowing your goals, at how to plan, at how to set objectives, at how to make choices. The hope is that by doing so, you can attract your spouses back too, but that if you cannot, then you are still a better person.

There are way too many variables in the human psychology for a one size fits all solution. DB'ing is only a model among many of an approach you can take to potentially saving your R's & M's. Yet, DB recognizes that one thing will remain consistent among all of these variables - you. You are the one who can change you. Period. There will be no enlightenment for that which you do not seek. There will be no reward for those who do not work. There will be no gain for those who do not self-motivate.

In terms of actions towards our spouses - if you read deep enough here, some say play nice, some say play hard. I do not know what is correct - I have found older posts here where people played nice and got back together, conversely, there are those who played hard and got back together. I think the only answer is what do you do for you that keeps your dignity, moves you forward as a growing soul, and improves your life.

People compliment me greatly here for my efforts on my sitch, and I truly appreciate that. But I do get tired. I have gone through so many emotions there was a pre-teen rainbow shooting out of my arse for most of the summer. I got to detachment, but still, I am a human - I can still feel let down, mad, or tired. I still ask "Am I making the right choice?" and have to re-read the reasons I wrote down months ago about shared values, desires, and benefits. I do not know if my R will ever be again, much less my M. I don't. I do know this, I am on a journey for myself - not to become emotionless, not to feel apathetic, not to blame. My journey is to become better so that I may be able to have benefit to others in a way which improves this world somehow - I can only do this if I feel good about me, fix me, and focus me.

So that part of DB, those last few paragraphs...let there be no confusion about that. That is why you are here. You came to win your spouse back, you discovered how to win yourself back.

I wish all of you love and peace of heart today. FG - chin up, right now, chin up. I do get it, I have empathy, but chin up, spine straight, shoulders back.