Hi, sorry for not checking in for a while. You've been doing really well so far. I understand the down moments. I have them too, especially when S is out and about. I 've come to realise that they only last as long as we allow them too. Focus on the good times you've had, understand you will have these bad sensations but they will go. Hang on in there, you are doing fine.
Ah Focus 22, I'm sorry to hear that my lovely. You are doing so well and there are so many highs and lows on this journey. I can recall some days that started terribly and then ended pretty well...it all depends what you manage to do with yourself.
It sounds like it has been a pretty rough time with a lot going on for you home and work wise.....do you have any plans for the weekend?
Xx
Hi Sotto
Thank you.
So Friday I finished my temporary contract, and yesterday I had a double shift somewhere else.
Today is my first day off in a month. I've been working seven days a week, sixty/seventy hours a week.
I feel really, really proud of how everything worked out with my contract. Not only did I do a good job in one I had no experience in (or was given any training at all in), I also dealt with the emotional pressures of it really well. One person in another department eve said I was the most positive person in the whole building.
The pressure was pretty intense, especially over the last three weeks. Not just the amount of work I had to do, the visibility of it and the visibility of anything that might have gone wrong, but the way I was being treated by a couple of colleagues that I really needed help from. They were openly negative, obstructive, rude and bullying. I remained calm, gracious and dignified at all times. They got absolutely no reaction from me, except the one I chose to give.
My oh my, this whole DB process is giving me some tools for navigating life
Anyway, the upshot of it all was I got offered my ideal position (one day a week, working under someone I like, doing more of what I was doing). It means I can have a little regular income, carry one getting more experience in this field, carry on doing my other freelance work, and very importantly carry on doing my own work too.
Another department asked if I could consider some bits of work if they ever had any. To which I said, of course. That's just my thing, short contracts (that I can fit around my own work) and learning new things.
And one of the people I had been working with over the past few weeks was hoping to offer me some more work, tried to find some work for me, but it was all too short notice.
So, it's turned out well. It's given me a huge amount of satisfaction too, knowing I could do all of that. I feel like a changed person.
Something I've realised though, I still have some way to go in trying to raise my self esteem. It's still pretty low, on a personal level, rather than a professional one.
So plans for today. I'm still trying to sort the mess from having my central heating fixed. I've not really had any time at all at home, doing 12 and 14 hour days. I'll do just a little of that.
I also want to go for a good long walk. I've never really had a desk job before, ever, and I realised that I didn't really enjoy that side of things. I'm more of a standing and a walking about all the time type job person. I wasn't getting any exercise (or getting rid of any adrenaline), sitting there, in one place, all day long.
And offices have a lot of food hanging about, which I wasn't used to...biscuits, snacks, other edible treats. Tried to steer clear of them as much as possible. I'm not generally around food like that (I don't keep any in my house), so I was aware of it being a temptation.
I'll also maybe walk to one of my wholesale suppliers (if they're open today) and stock up on some supplies for my next few commissions.
I was offered more work by my (ex?) MIL? I think I'm going to accept. It's a one off, one evening, type thing, so not too long drawn out.
Will check in again and answer everyone else too x
Focus you are doing really well. I understand what you mean about professional and personal life. I've gone from strength to strength in my work but socially I've done little to nothing, just dedicating myself to S. Reading your posts I think you have done far more than me in this respect so keep being positive!
Focus you are doing really well. I understand what you mean about professional and personal life. I've gone from strength to strength in my work but socially I've done little to nothing, just dedicating myself to S. Reading your posts I think you have done far more than me in this respect so keep being positive!
Thank you. Been thinking lots about what you said, about how I know people see me professionally, and how they talk about me professionally too. In my management jobs I've been described as: 'having a quiet authority', 'leading by example', and 'the most positive person in the building' (some of the phrases I've been most bowled over by, from some of the bigger jobs I've done over the past couple of years).
And I'm trying to carry those lessons over into my personal life too, especially the first two. Maybe I need to start a little further back though, by unpicking the qualities I think that might be inherent in those phrases?
Perhaps some of that will help make me in to a more solid person? Raise my self esteem a little? I still feel it's low. It was low anyway, before all of this. I would love to be one of those people that you meet that you just know won't take any rubbish from anyone. And will be quite forthright about it too.
Maybe that's another pathway along that road. Who knows.
I'm feeling very tired, very low, very lonely at the moment.
Could do with any support anyone has to offer.
Focus,
What has you down? Is it that you are tired? Or was there a trigger?
What can we chat about to place your focus on a uplifting thought?
Thank you for helping me think about this in a little more detail.
I think it was a mix of things really. The huge number of hours I was working, every single day (12 and 14 hour days, 7 days a week. That's come to an end now thankfully).
Also, the realisation that I don't think there will ever be any relationship in the future that will have that same feeling as when I met my H, and when we were married (well, really for the first 13 years we were together. I guess we were pretty lucky in that respect, to have so much very happy time together).
Things seemed tinged with sadness (at best). I'm talking about going forwards, not just now, in this present moment. Sadness and resignation to the inevitability of failure in any relationship, of a lack of communication and the resultant misunderstandings, and the drifting apart and tearing apart that comes from that.
I know that sounds ironic after my last post, and 'the most positive person in the building' stuff I wrote, but there we go. That's what was getting me down.
The focus has to be on yourself, doesn't it? On doing things that you want to do and that make you happy.
I just miss the closeness and companionship I had. I know you guys will get that, as we're all pretty much thinking and feeling the same way on this one. I think I took that closeness and companionship for granted. I just assumed that that was the way it was between two people who were married. But perhaps it is a special thing? A rare thing, rather than being the norm and something that we should come to expect.
I can't get over the feeling of crushing loneliness. It feels like a vice around my heart at times. That doesn't mean that I'm desperate to alleviate that. And it doesn't mean that I don't notice (and really appreciate) those lovely moments of kindness between people. I am genuinely touched by those, and even just thinking about them helps the pain quite a lot.
It's just that feeling is really painful. And I can't quite get my head round my H dancing off into the sunset with OW2, and remaining totally untouched by that feeling, and being completely ignorant of it (mind reading...I know, I know).
Uplifting thoughts? We're sometimes back at the getting through the next few minutes/hour one step at a time, and really having to drag myself forward. Is the answer to just totally fill your time with doing various things so that you don't have the time to sink into these chasms? Is that how it works?
focus22 -- I wish I had something to say that would be a cure to loneliness, but the best I can do is say I understand what you're feeling. It really is an overpowering, crushing weight, isn't it? It pushes everything out of our mind and becomes our entire focus at (bad) times.
Time is the true healer, I think, but, in the short-term, GALing is our best bet. Just getting out, pushing yourself, and you'll find some relief in that moment, if for no other reason than that we can only focus on so many things at once with our mammalian brains. Before we know it, we're 2--3 more hours down the road toward real healing that only time can provide.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I have to plan menus for the week and buy groceries, one of my least favorite chores. Too many decisions!
Trying to decide which of several fun things I want to work into my weekend.
Hey Rose, good to hear from you!
I've really lost interest in food and cooking things over the past (almost year). I'm trying to stick to a reasonably healthy diet though, and make sure I eat fish and an avocado as one of my meals every couple of days (protein and lots of fats).
Don't get me wrong, if there's something delicious to eat in front of me, then I'm very happy to eat it :o) But as for cooking for myself? At the moment, it's all a very meh experience...
So, to try and counteract that, I've just bought a book on healing foods, so I'm going to try and make some recipes from that this autumn. Lots of soups and other good stuff to try.
You do a weekly shop? I live opposite a 24 hour supermarket, so I just tend to buy things as I need them, any time of day or night, rather than do a big, weekly shop.
I've had a good day today. Back to doing my own work. After the frenzy of the past two months, and the experience of working in an office with lots of people, and being driven by external deadlines, it's very still and slow and quiet here. Total change of rhythm and pace.
focus22 - check with the Royal Mail. You should be able to file a "change of address" card and have his mail either kept at the post office or forwarded to H's new address.
That will keep that reminder of him away and make it his responsibility.
