Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

AndrewP, Thanks for the response.

Your W is getting at least emotional support from OM2 that I presume she's not getting from you. Presuming you believe her stories of rape - no reason not to I suppose - and the related low / no desire that will be a factor you need to consider if you can accept going forward. I don't remember - did she say she wanted a D?

I believe the rape story. She told me she was raped when we first started dating. I didn't press her on any details because I didn't really know how to talk about it and she didn't bring it up to me until about a month ago but she didn't go into any details until the other night.

She told me she wanted a D back on 8/8/16 when I found out about everything. I asked her to wait and lets try to figure things out. She agreed at the time, but has brought up that she thinks she needs a divorce a couple of other times since then. She has told me she wanted a divorce but for us to continue living like we currently are (in the same house, with the same roles only not married). I told her no to that. She has also brought up wanting to start over with me but needing a divorce to do that. I told her I didn't understand that. Why would we spend a bunch of money to get a divorce only to try to get back together.

I can accept her sexual issues going forward. I have been dealing with them already for a few years. I didn't know the whole truth that she doesn't feel anything during sex (if this is the truth), but I wish she would have told me that rather than just acting like she didn't want to have sex or making me feel like crap for trying to have sex with her. I don't know if these issues can be fixed but I wish she would try and right now she is not willing. This might sound crazy to some of you, but as much as like sex it's not really a major factor in my marriage. It is a factor, but it wouldn't be the factor in me trying work this out or not.

It almost sounds like she's somewhat comfortable with the current status quo - are you?

I honestly would be ok where we are at right now in our situation if there was no OM involved. Would I rather be back together? Of course I would, but that is not possible right now. When we are together doing anything right now and the OM is not texting her, the attitude she has towards me is pretty normal. When the OM starts with texts she turns. She is still nice towards me, but she reminds of being a teenager trying to pass notes in class without the teacher looking. Last night, she knew I knew she was texting the guy but she couldn't stop. She made a comment about having to text him for something at work and I just said ok. Then she made a comment that her boss was texting her but I know it was still the OM. I didn't ask her who she was texting. I have been good lately. I just act like there is nothing wrong and I'm minding my own business. She is volunteering the info of who she is texting to me.

Last Friday night before she told me her rape story she asked if I still checked our cell phone account because she gets a notice every time I do (this is not true). I told her I've checked from time to time, but I didn't say anything else. She knows that I know how much she texted and I don't know if she wants me to say something or not but I keep my mouth shut.

She certainly is a troubled individual who is struggling with her past. So far she believes that therapy has "failed" her but she has made 7 attempts. It's counter-intuitive but perhaps if instead of seeking her own help she were to volunteer for some sort of crisis line where she can help others she might also help herself? I'm very much not knowing if this is a good idea or a really really bad idea. On the one had helping others like we do here requires us to explore our own feelings in the context of others. On the other, it could create the potential for flash-backs and even worse problems.

I don't know what we be good for her right now. It seems like every week I find something else troubling about her past. I have sympathy for her and I wish I could help her but that is not possible right now. My therapist has given me some reading to give to her if the time is right, but that time is not right now. She is such an impatient person (which she admits) that she feels she just can't do therapy. She thinks she should have her answers right away and when she doesn't she just stops going. She has admitted this to me (she did on Friday night),but there is nothing I can do about it. I have just tried to support her by listening to her and being her friend. Right now that is all I'm trying to be. If one of these EA turn into a PA then I might have a problem with this, but right now there is no evidence that this has happened.

Good luck and use the time you've been given.

Thanks, I guess that is what is good right now. I have time. I have time to get myself on track and maybe with that time my M can get back on track. I know my old marriage is over though. I'm not going to get that back and I don't want that back.