"I see now that I allowed him to cross boundaries in our marriage. When he pushed me away and was angry at me for something -- I retreated. I always tried to keep him happy and did not speak up when something he did caused me hurt. It was easier to avoid than to cause more conflict. I craved being around him and I should have made time for myself that did not involved him. When he stopped showing me affection, I should have talked to him about it and how it made me feel. Instead I just retreated further and allowed it to affect my self esteem."

Hi Amy, I agree with what Cali posted and I think if you had been a different kind of W entirely, the crisis would likely have happened anyway.

What you posted above chimed with me and I do think it is worth reflecting on this. My issues were similar - our M was loving and low conflict. I was a peacemaker and tended to smooth over things, also not voicing things that didn't matter to me.

I have come to see that I struggled to really bring myself to the R. I brought what I thought others would want and therefore accept me. I found the books by Brene Brown really helpful in this whole area and I do see things differently and would strive for different things now.

But when you do all of this, do it primarily for you and with the focus on what kind of R you want going forwards - whether that be with your H or some other lucky guy at some point in the future...

Take care, you're doing really well Amy xx

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus