She's gone. Living in the now.

[Sotto]

Cld, where did that come from my friend? I don't believe that is the ethos of the forum at all, nor that people have posted to Scrant in that vein?

I'm sure it wouldn't be anyone's intention to try and make someone feel worthless, put blame on others or argue. Can I suggest you take a step back and think about what you are posting to others?

Scrant, as others have said - who knows where your W is up to in her thinking? She's possibly all over the place...but that's her chit and not yours (though you know that already....) Enjoy the trip to London for what it is - a new experience with your S (BTW, I hear the Ice Bar on Regent Street is a fab experience...)

Relax and enjoy my friend xx

[Scrant]

Zues, Sotto and everyone thanks for your support. We're in London at the moment and really having a great time. I haven't contacted W and she hasn't either. I assume she texts S but we don't talk about it as it only irritates him, from past experience I imagine his response will be minimal. When we last met I said we didn't need to be in constant contact and she's taken me at my word! It does sadden me to think she isn't here but I have to make new memories with S. Given that ten months have passed I don't expect any change now, to have so completely changed her life and relationships she must be truly in love/infatuated. I will focus on supporting S through the next few important years whilst working on myself and see what happens.

[Scrant]

Back from London where S and I had a good time together. We did lots of things and got on really well. I'm back at work, catching up with colleagues and feeling motivated. S has had a couple of meals with his mum but I've had no contact with her since our face to face. Yesterday I had to email about upcoming expenses for S but she didn't respond which is ok as long as she shares costs when the time comes. Her aunt has invited S and I to her daughter's birthday lunch, W will be there too. I haven't replied yet but it got me thinking about S's birthday next month as well. We haven't been together as a family since S's birthday last year which was a week after W moved out to live with OM. Everyone around us knows I have no desire to do with things with W. I don't want to seem rude but also I don't want W to think that she has got her friend back and everything is ok again. Every time we meet she likes to finish off with the hug and the kiss to check I'm still there. We've only met three times this year and although I miss her that suits me fine as I try to rebuild my life. She still appears in my dreams nightly but I can't control those! I've no idea what she is thinking or feeling as I don't ask anyone about her, given the time her affair lasted and all that she gave up to be with OM I assume she is committed to making her new life work. My doubt now is whether it is time for me to try and make the whole friend thing work without ever doing anything with OM as well ( that would be too hard to swallow ) or to keep on the path I've chosen which could make me seem petty or rude.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, I'm glad you guys had a good time together in London. :-)

Yes, it always brings things into sharp focus when these events crop up. For me, XH's family are transatlantic and haven't chosen to keep in touch with me at all. I was sad about it, but it does meant these dilemma's didn't crop up.

It's just a thought, but might your W start trying to include OM in some family things? I'm not sure about the invite from her Aunt and up to you of course. As time has gone on, I have shifted from thinking about 'will this help or hinder my sitch' to 'is this someone I'm fond of and want to spend time with?' I let that govern me now...

As for your S's B'day - from what you post I don't think he would be super keen to have Mum and Dad together for his birthday do. Would it be best to ask him what he would like and start making plans on that basis? You could always say to W - S and me have made plans to go out for lunch that day, but he'd love to see you later etc..

It's JMHO, but I don't think 'friends' would be the way to go with your W. She had an A and bailed out of your M - I don't think those are 'friendly' acts. That said, there is plenty of middle ground between 'friends' and 'petty and rude.' I would aim for minimal, pleasant co-parenting. For me, the idea of 'keeping in touch as friends' with XH would be unattractive (as he may be settling deeper into an R w OW, planning a M, family etc??)..
Ugh, that wouldn't work for me and he didn't leave our M in a way that really allowed for friendship after D.

All JMHO of course, but try to do what suits you, helps you keep moving forward. Much better to invest in forging new links than trying to build friendship with your W whilst she remains with OM.

Hope you have a good weekend my friend :-) x

[Scrant]

Thanks for your thoughts Sotto. I think what you've said is the way to go, just need to make another start on my GAL. Also miss female company but still think it is a little early to try to make a fresh start while I still have W in my head.

[Cld]

Scrant,
She left for the OM, you didn't do anything wrong.
If she wants to come back she needs to put 100% of the effort into that.
You shouldn't pursue, but if she dumps the OM and starts pursuing you then you should turn on acceptance.
Hugs

[Scrant]

Nothing new to report which I suppose is the problem. S back at school in a big year for him and needs a lot of support as he doesn't have much time so I'm busy too! Taxi driver and chef in my free time. I've taken on extra responsibility at work which means we're both busy. The free time we get I tend to spend relaxing. I need to get back to running as I keep finding excuses not to go.
W hasn't met up with S since 2nd of the month, she doesn't maintain any contact with me unless I initiate. I had to contact her about buying an early present for S's birthday as he needs it now for school. W agreed and wanted the 3 of us to buy it together one day. I had no intention of doing that and it happened that when we had to buy it W was away on a long weekend in London visiting a girlfriend of hers. She asked me to let her know when S got his laptop so I did with a couple of photos. We soon fell into a friendly jokey exchange of texts before dropping back into silence again.
Through Mindfulness I understand my emotions better but I still find my thoughts turning to her and missing her love and friendship. I try to remind myself of all the lies etc but in my heart I haven't moved on. I miss her and feel lonely. I don't really have a social life outside of work and a couple of friends who all have their own lives and responsibilities. I don't want to think about the future when S moves on with his life. I'm happy to be his support through the difficult teenage years, especially now his mum is such a peripheral figure in his life. She keeps reminding me she's his mum but she lives the life she wants and doesn't have to be there for on a daily basis. I know I have to try more GAL but between work, S and isolation in a foreign town I just feel blocked at the moment. Don't want to sound too self pitying, I still laugh and enjoy life but there are many times when W is in my head still. I don't see me moving forward to a new better life anytime soon if ever. Sorry for letting off steam, reading other's threads I shouldn't complain too much. I'm just frustrated with life right now!

[Sotto]

Hi lovely Scrant, I'm sorry you're feeling a little lonely, blocked, stuck...it's not nice to feel that way - as though life may hold no pleasure going forwards.

When you feel that way, it can be helpful to really get a bit of forward momentum there and get a little something moving. My policy of one new GAL activity a month served me well...so, what's it to be for you in October my friend. Now is the perfect time to start planning that. I know you are busy - but for sure you can manage one event a week whilst S relaxes on the iPad or does his homework...

We really bang on about GAL here - but that's because it really does make a difference. It helps us let go of 'the old' and feel that we have A LIFE of our own - beyond the partnership that has fractured.

So, I get how you're feeling - but it does sound a little like - I try but, I just feel, it's tough..
We all feel that self-pity from time to time - but best not to linger there my friend...

Sooooo - October plans.....xx

[Scrant]

W and I have had no contact for a while now.When I sent her an email for her October contribution she told me a little about her stresses and problems but apart from that nothing. S's birthday is coming up after next weekend. W sent me an email today saying:
"I'd like the three of us to have lunch together. I don't know anything about you and little about S. I don't know if we could have a more fluid relationship as it is currently non existent and that doesn't seem normal to me. Even worse is that S sees it the same way as you. Meeting up with me is an exception. Would you be ok if you only saw him 20 minutes a week?"
I haven't replied to her. I've already told her it is up to S how he wants to celebrate his birthday as he'll be 16. This email seems to me to try to bring me back as the friend who'll meet her for a coffee while OM is working or busy. Of course I'd love to see her etc but it wouldn't be real and I feel would be a massive step back. I'm thinking of replying something like:
Hi,
I hope things are going well for you in the life you chose. I'm getting on with my life and, at the moment, it doesn't work for me to carry on as if our relationship hasn't changed. I hope your relationship with S improves but that is something for you both, not me. As for S's birthday I'll do whatever he wants to do. I'm sure he'll have lunch with you over the weekend. Our main priority now has to be supporting our son in his education and daily life.
Take care.
Right tone? Really don't know what goes on in her mind these days.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, you caught me on a day off! Good to hear from you and the email sounds pretty good - though I do have some suggested changes. How do you feel about this below?

Hi W, I hope things are going well for you. At the moment, it doesn't work for me to meet up as if our relationship hasn't changed. I hope your relationship with S does improve and I'll always encourage him in that. As for his birthday I'm happy to do whatever he chooses. I'm sure he'll have lunch with you over the weekend.
Take care, Scrant.