Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

Eric,

Everything has been good. I have actually had a busy last 3 or 4 days and haven't had time to check the message boards. Finally, everyone is in bed and I have time to catch up.

Can you expand on this? Why do YOU feel the self-confidence was low? Why be a loner? Are you more of an introvert and prefer to be alone?

I'm more of an introvert. I really enjoyed time by myself when I was younger. As I got older I tended to like being around people more, but I have never been one that likes to be in groups of people. I'm much more comfortable one on one or communicating with just a few people at a time. I think my self confidence was low because I don't think my family gave me the support that I needed. Unfortunately, I have never been the biggest self motivator and I need encouragement and I don't think I ever really received it from them. I also never heard the words love from them either. I know they love me but they never said it. That's one of the reasons I have always made sure to tell my kids and my W that I love them.

How did you deal with being “upset”?

I dealt with being upset by doing nothing. I never brought it up to my mom again. I told my 1st wife at the time, but never brought it up again. I also don't talk about it with my current W. I basically have held any emotion I might have in since the day I found out.

Not judging…..I just find it interesting that you have no desire to even know if he is alive. Something to think about…as you get older it may help to know what his medical history is/was.

I had therapist I was going to during my 1st divorce tell me this same thing, but I honestly have no desire to meet the man. My W doesn't understand and thinks I should seek him out, but I really don't think about it much. I guess I feel since he abandoned me as soon as he found out my mom was pregnant I don't feel like wasting my time. I don't even know his name. My mom told me it the day she told me, but I honestly don't remember what it is. I think I was in shock or something and don't really remember the details of our converstation.

You were both young and did the best you could. The KEY in the above life lesson is to LEARN from the experience and where applicable NOT repeat the same pattern.

This is the part that frustrates me. I never really understood at the time what went wrong. I wish I would have dug into what the problems were in the 1st marriage, but I never did. I was young and immature at the time. I blamed her and she blamed me. There was a lot of hurt and anger at the time, but like I said earlier I would forgive her if I ever saw her again.

What actions or behaviors did you wife exhibit that caused you the think that she was “out of your league”?

No actions. She was just the most beautiful women I had ever dated. She was so fun and a free spirit. I wasn't dating ugly women at the time, but my W was a step up in the beauty department though. I just didn't have the self confidence to think that she could fall in love with me.

Question…. Do you think that you can control how others feel if you just keep quiet?

No. I see what you are saying. If I keep quiet how can I expect her to understand me and what I am feeling.

I have thought about getting jobs in the past but my W never really cared if I did. She would rather have me around for the kids. She wanted a parent at home with the kids all the time and didn't want to use daycare.
What about what YOU want? You matter too!

This is a dilemma I have had for some time. I have often thought about getting back to work, but then I care so much for the kids. I thought I would go back to work one our S6 started school, but then we had another S. He was born 2 month prematurely and spent about 5 weeks in the hospital before we could bring him home. When he was born he weighed 3.8 lbs and I could hold him in one hand. I didn't know if he would make it. Everyday I spend with him I consider a blessing and hate to be away from him. He is doing great now. He has finally caught up with other kids his age in size and other than some speech issues that he is going to therapy for you would never know he was born early. I just think it would be hard for me to take him to daycare for 10 hours a day. I can't explain it, but if I stayed married I would continue to stay home with him until he started school. Of course I know I am going to have to start looking into the process of daycare for him and work for me. I have already looked into daycare rates and what daycares offer after school programs for my S6.

The thought of being away from my kids is what scares me the most in all of this. I have basically been a single dad during the week for most of their lives because of my W's work schedule. Maybe I should feel relieved about the possibility of have a few days a week for myself if we get a D, but I want to see my kids everyday. They have been the one constant in my life the last 6 1/2 years. I just can't imagine not being there everyday for them.

I have one other thing I would like you to do. Can you purchase the book No more Mr Nice Guy. It is 18.95 new on Amazon (12.95 on Amazon Prime) or 5.90 used. I think you would benefit greatly from the book.

Another read for you…Let Go now, embracing detachment by Karen Casey it is 13.47 on Amazon. I think they have an audible version as well. This book talks about BOUNDARIES and sorry to say dude, you have none. You can learn the skill though.

No More Mr. Nice Guy just purchased. Will get the other book soon.

BTW….who is the biggest email service provider in the world?

Gmail?

Let me know when you get the journal.

I picked one up