H filed for divorce - is it too late?

[Zues126]

I get it.

If he did think you'd notice he probably figured you'd feel the way you do, which is angry obviously, but because you have been deeply wounded. This may mean he wants to not only do what he wants, but to also defy you a bit, and get a little revenge. The subtext might be "See csabo, you don't get to control me anymore, if I can't get it with you I can get it somewhere else, that's what you get for neglecting me!" In a way this is just an evolution of a fight you've probably had many times in your M.

Like DB says, the best thing to do sometimes is 'do something different'. By not responding the way he expects, or that you are naturally inclined, you give the chance to achieve a different result.

Try to remember that beneath all of this your spouse is simply in pain beyond his ability to cope. That doesn't mean you don't establish boundaries to protect yourself. But do continue to focus on you, your 180s, your reactions, and your ability to do what's right even when you don't always feel like it. So far so good.

[csabo]

I wanted to check in this morning, but I don't know what to say.

Doing family portraits today with me and my dog, so I can give pictures to my family so they don't have to have pictures of me and H still. It should be fun.

Talked to H a little this morning before he went to his magic card tournament, about nothing really. He seems a little less friendly with me these past few weeks, but I've been trying to remain happy and positive around him while maintaining a sort of noncommittal distance. He was talking a bit about his magic tournament and I smiled and said have fun before he left, but I was doing my own thing and not dropping everything to pay attention to him.

He feels further from me now, I kinda miss the mixed signals. DB coach said he was "testing" how he felt with the still spending time with me and being a little affectionate. I'm worried I "failed" his tests and he's moving away from me. I'm trying to be patient with him and let him go on his own journey.

He's not really "cheating" on me, but he is experimenting with other women. I don't think he'll be able to find what will satisfy him any time soon, and maybe then he will realize that our 9 years together DOES mean something. But I have to be prepared for the possibility that will find something and not come back.

One day at a time. Like I said before, I've got at least 4 more months, I intend to make the most of them.

Thanks for reading and giving feedback, everyone. I'm sad anyone has to be here but glad that such a supportive place exists for those of us that do unfortunately have reason to find ourselves here.

[csabo]

I've been thinking about if I should have him move out of the house or not. He said he would, so I don't expect a fight over it. We just see so little of each other as it is. Plus, we play D&D every weekend at his friend's place and I believe that where he would move if I had him move out. I don't know how awkward it would be to see him at "his" place once a week.

[Zues126]

Are you considering this because you're hopeless for the marriage?

Are you considering this because you're tired of being in pain and think this will bring an end to your suffering more quickly?

Or are you considering this because you truly believe this is the right step to take to best stand by your marriage?

IMHO anything you do within the first 60-90 days is probably rushed. You are too emotionally unstable to make life changing decisions. I compare it to thinking you can still drive after having just a few. I'd encourage you to slow down.

Yes, you can stand up for your boundaries at some point. Yes, there will be a day for action. But this seems very fast to me.

Can you get a DB coach? I'd highly recommend one. And until you do, I would be willing to bet they'd say the same thing I'm telling you.

[csabo]

I don't know, all three? It's hard to know what to do. He just said it was nice how we each have the house to ourselves during the day, (I work am, he works pm) like...what, it's nice to not see me ever?

I have had one session with a DB coach, going to call to make the second tomorrow.

[csabo]

Scheduled my second DB coach session. Have to wait til Thursday but hopefully it will help again. My first session was great.

[csabo]

Just talked to H briefly before he went to class, we had a nice friendly chat and he was showing me his new computer and then he of course has to ask how the divorce paperwork is coming along. He's waiting on me to file my answer.

I didn't cry until he left, at least...

[csabo]

Talking to a guy friend of mine, he thinks H is hurting a lot and doesn't want me to see. Of course, he wouldn't. Just...gives me a little hope.

[csabo]

So, another piece of information I believe I forgot to mention previously... towards the end of July there was a night H and I had both been drinking a little bit and we had sex. The next day he said it was good, but that he lacked an emotional connection, so it was like "another nail in the coffin" for him. But after that he was still showing signs of affection/mixed signals so I'm not sure what to think, I guess. My guy friend said the physical parts die later than the emotional parts and that he doesn't think H will change his mind.

[csabo]

H mentioned the house was looking really nice and that maybe we could have company over, and I said I was thinking of throwing myself a birthday party at the end of next month, and he got kinda excited and said we could do a Halloween party and that he would help me move around some of the heavier things to clean the house up even more for it.

This could be a good opportunity to spend time with him and let him see me being fun and happy and social.