Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

W spent her first week back at work after nearly a decade of no employment. Friday night she went out with her gay husbands, came home at 11:30 pm and was dead asleep by midnight. She didn't wake up until 10 am.

Saturday night W left at 10 pm with MLC Friend #3. I awoke at 3:30 am and she still wasn't home. I could not go back to sleep. I stayed up the whole time - this is not good for me. She came home at 7 am via Uber. Went from the front door straight to the couch, went to sleep in her clothes. Did not grab a pillow or a blanket. Didn't even take her sandals off. Later that day, she took the longest shower.

I am obviously bothered big time about her late nights and/or infidelities. I am completely repulsed by this and think she is disgusting for what she's doing, but for some reason I feel better once she's home - not happy, just not anxiety-ridden. To me she's become a slut, but why don't I dismiss her altogether based on that? I am up all hours every Saturday night when she leaves to do God-knows-what with God-knows-who. Every Sunday I am exhausted from the lack of sleep from the night before. I can't keep doing this to myself.

Her adultery feels like the one true deal breaker for me. I can't get over it. I read some thread where a guy's W caught an STD and he still kept on, and I read over & over in archives and from vets that swear repeatedly: the OP means nothing. Nothing.

My W is planning to D me a year from now, she thinks that's when she will be financially capable of paying all the bills herself. When I think about her sleeping with someone else, next year can't come soon enough. It's gross. Maybe I'm not being empathetic enough, but she's just a whore to me right now. I wish I didn't feel this way, I hate having these feelings about her.

I had lunch yesterday with Liz. She knows nothing about DB or MLC but even she's repeated what I've heard here on DB and it still isn't sinking into my skull. She's urging me to detach even more, she thinks I'm in denial. She gave me the whole "crazy people don't know they're crazy" speech and told me that W may never come out of the tunnel and spend the rest of her life convinced that I'm the devil. True to form, W was ranting again about me Saturday afternoon on the phone - all of it lies. It's like a muscle she has to keep working.

Liz said she sees all the stress in my face and says "you're gonna snap, you're gonna say something you'll regret." Without being hard, she pointed out I am frozen with fear. Everything I do is going to be re-arranged in W's mind so she can hate me further, so I need to stop standing still in hopes she will hate me less.

Liz is right. I think something is wrong with me. W has been dark for 2 months, and I remain dim, but I think am not detached ENOUGH. I can't figure out what it is, but there's some part of me that's not letting go, and I wonder if it's letting go of the part of her that is an unfaithful. I am still very emotional. Something is not adding up properly in my brain.