Yesterday's Gone, Tomorrow's not here... (5)

[Pax_luv]

Hi Pinn,
I agree with darkness.

I think she definitely wants you to comfort her. From my opinion (and watching how other ww women in real life handle these things), there's something slightly manipulative about the whole, "if you don't want to talk anymore, we don't have to." It kind of then places any future action on you and let's her off the hook.

Was this text or face to face or phone?

[JRuss]

Seems like if OM is a felon, his prints would be in the system, and he may have left a print in your car when he broke into it. I had my car broken into several years ago, and they did a full dusting for prints routine.

[pinn]

Hmmm interesting thoughts feyth... This was just a text. Maybe she is being manipulative. I think I really need to figure out what I want and if there is any future from my point of view.

Jruss... The cops didn't seem very interested in doing anything further.

[doodler]

I was more wondering what people thought about the situation in general. It is hard to want to get back together at the moment

pinn,

My thoughts are that, of course, your WW came back to you after the OM proved less than desirable, but what if he hadn't been abusive? I guess that's what's nagging me, particularly when you read what LiM has gone through with his wife.

I'm not saying that I don't think it's possible to reconcile, I think it is possible, but in my opinion your WW would have to be ready to do a lot of work to come back you. I'd hate for you to be Plan B yet again.

[Pax_luv]

I echo Doodlers point. Reconciliation isn't not possible, but why would you put yourself in the position to be plan B again? (since she's done this in the past)

Has she ever shared how she and felon got together and how and why it ended? Did she ever say they were for sure an item?

Also, Remember, , at a bare bare bare bare minimum- you deserve a darn phone call!

[pinn]

Thanks Doodler and Feyth. I appreciate the responses so much!
I will have to read LiM’s situation. I don’t think that OM was physically abusive… just crazy. Obviously if everything had gone peachy and her life was perfect, then she would still be with him.

I guess the part I am missing right now is being plan B. Am I plan B? If I am plan B then what is plan A? OM? I don’t think so. I do think that there is a fairly decent chance of this happening again in the future if we get back together. Ugh.

Feyth, we have just started scratching the surface on all of that. She said yesterday that there was ‘history’ there. I’ll have to figure out exactly what happened there and how it ended. She said it had been over for months. It sounded like, from our talk yesterday, that they were for sure an item. This is the first time we talked about him. This convo was via test but I started it that way. We talked face to face a bit yesterday.

It is interesting the responses here. I think I have blinders on. I see remorse coming from her and her admitting that she made the wrong choices. Everyone seems to be very skeptical. So let me ask this… if you were in my shoes, what would it take for you to be convinced otherwise?

I feel like we are making baby steps of progress. We will have more discussions in the future. This will be very tough to get past though.

[Altair]

Hi pinn,
I think Plan A, in your case (and mine for sure) is the possibility for a better, happier, more fulfilling future life out there, including a fantasy lover(s) who is perfect in every way.

Plan B is to stay in the same old, same old.

The remorse will come out in bits and pieces, if it is there, buried in discussions. It'll start adding up, so I guess journal them if you hear them to decide if they are real or just manipulation?

[MoveFrwd]

I do think that there is a fairly decent chance of this happening again in the future if we get back together.

I think she is remorseful now. But she has been remorseful in the past, I am sure as you have said this has happened multiple times.

In my opinion, it sounds like getting her to "attach" isnt and hasnt been so difficult for you, but "keeping" her attached IS. What will you do differently during this time in order to make that "deeper" connection?

[pinn]

In my opinion, it sounds like getting her to "attach" isnt and hasnt been so difficult for you, but "keeping" her attached IS. What will you do differently during this time in order to make that "deeper" connection?

Yea exactly. I have thought about this for months.

First off, I have identified her love language and will work to show her. I think I have been doing that already. I also asked her to read the love language book which she has. I told her how, when I look back, I didn’t really feel loved by here either. We just show love in two completely different ways. Second, and this is a major issue for me, I need to completely let go and go all in 100%. I have been guarded since she first broke my heart many, many years ago. I think that hurts us since I am not letting go completely. This means complete transparency. Third, we need consoling to improve our communication and sex life, no doubt. It’ll take a ton of work and patience. Finally, I am not tolerating any of the BS signs of disrespect if we get back together. No more eye rolls or anything else.


Thanks for the comments Altair. I guess that plan A sounds about right.

[Altair]

Hi pinn,
I'm on the same track of really thinking about H's and my respective love languages and how we *thought* we were showing love to each other-- which couldn't have been further from the truth.

In some interactions with H, I tried some very unnatural to me 'his love language' actions and got huge responses. How about you?