Hi DOn! Thanks for stopping by! I always appreciate your perspective.
Growing up I was the ugly girl. Seriously. I always had a personality, though:) (the ugly girls always do). I guess I became attractive somewhere along the line. But my personality was always more relied on. My best friend growing up was a guy (although we were all sure he was gay, so a little feminine energy there). While I think I am who I am, this is my personality, that was always somewhat of what made me who I was not being at all the pretty girl.
I dress like a girl, do my make up, have long hair, get my mani-pedi's and so forth. I never wanted to do that growing up because I thought no one would even look the way of the ugly girl trying to be pretty. But it is actually the way I am. I like to look pretty when I can. In the same token, I am just a large personality when I open up, not prude at all. I can definitely see how I am viewed as one of the guys.
The only people I have ever dated were usually friends first who knew me and began to like me "that way". I've dated maybe one or two guys (one including exNG) who liked me "that way" from the moment we met. Both had said there was just something about me that wasn't like the others. And, awkwardly enough, the other guys who I have found out had huge crushes on me were married man friends. Yup. I apparently represent some strange fantasy of what they wish their wife was like. Ironic, isn't it?
That being said, I have been told to soften it up, flirt, ect. And I am the worst flirter, it out completely unaturally and I seem like an idiot. But I do know what you are saying. Aside from that I'm never in a setting with single guys. Usually I'm out with a group, or if I'm out with my best friend, who is very pretty and has that natural flirty soft feminine personality, guess who gets the guys? Picking up guys at bars isn't my thing. Otherwise my free time is spent in my daughter's activities setting with a bunch of married men, lol. Otherwise, I am in the stage of my life where I am a bit of a homebody. I like being surrounded by friends just hanging out enjoying some wine. Last night be and my friends baked apple pies and drank wine. Going out man hunting isn't my thing.
I do make more of an effort to smile when I'm out. I make small talk with people sometimes in the store. I try to tone down the truck-driver mouth.
But really, I am a woman and lady at heart. I like to be treated like a lady by a guy. Have a door held open for me, flowers, told I look pretty. I have fierce independence, but I would love for a guy to take the reigns and be the man. Truth be told, I probably put up some walls before I trust someone to see that side. But once I do, I wear my heart on my sleeve.
For now, I'll keep working on softening it up, while maintain who I am.
because I really actually like who I am. For once, I feel like me and not what someone else wants me to be.
