Cherry.Papers filed "am I making a mistake".focus!

[Cherry]

Yeah you are probably right. I don't think he would enjoy causing pain. The man he was certainly wouldn't he was the sweetest and would do anything to help anyone. He did express to me the other day of fears his decisions will result in him loosing his mum and child too. I do make the effort to speak to mil about being a bit kinder to him, but she can't bring her to. She hates that he is doing this, she's an adult at the end of the day- and I cannot control her thoughts neither. I do make the effort even when he hides himself away now to get S to go in and give his dad a kiss and say goodnight. Yes, he should be doing this himself (wh I mean), but at the end of the day- I don't want my S to be scared of his daddy and feel unloved.

I have thought that, surely you have to be of sane mind to agree to these things. He is now awaiting an appointment to see an ic. The only problem is he can be very good at lying . Last year, he had an appointment and he lied and said he felt fine, but was so obviously depressed. Now he is admitting it to me, and he's telling me the suicidal thoughts. But wether or not he discusses this with ic is a thing I don't know, and is also out of my control. He has now come to the realisation he has a problem with himself, this has been a consistent issue in his spew.

A lot of this is really and truly out of my control. All I can do is keep my side of the street clean. I'm carrying on taking care of me, S and bump the best I can. I'm focussed on improving myself and getting myself stronger. I avoid getting involved in any situation with him where I may feel anger. Yes last night I must admit I most probably was fairly irritable, but it was nearly 3am and he was angry and all over the board. And a month ago, I probably would have got angry and spewed myself. I do have more control over that, and there is a bit more detachment there than was there which certainly helps with regards to letting his moods dictate mine. I guess in a way it's being a lighthouse, not in the hope that it will bring him to his senses, but that's the kind of person I want to be. I want to radiate a happy person that shines, I want people to feel comfortable around me. I'm smart enough not to let anyone take advantage. But there is nothing wrong with being a good happy person, peaceful in a way that helps myself too.