Just having a why day today. I know it shouldn't be about H but I'm struggling with not having answers to my inner questions. This weekend is my weekend with kids but as I ask H if I could have the kids last weekend for a day he has them today. In a way I'm glad he has them, but I keep wondering why does he pretend to play the carrying dad while we are in this situation because of him? Why is he not behaving like he did with his first daughter? ( not seeing her much and not re-scheduled things). Maybe it's because he has learnt from his mistakes with his first daughter! Why did he ask to have the kids today when it is his child free weekend? Surely he would want to spend it with OW! He told the kids today that he was working yesterday, why would he work on his child free weekend? Why would he not want to spend the day with OW? When we were together at the beginning he would make a point of not working during the weekend (he was self employ!), now he is working for someone and earns a descent wage! So he doesn't really need to work at the weekend. Why can't he just enjoy life and appreciate what he already has: a good job, kids who love him and an OW who is in love with him?
My friend is saying that I should be grateful that OW isn't introduced to my kids, but in a way I want her to be so the kids can see why we are in this situation. I read a lot here about OW/OM being introduced but why my H doesn't do it? He has been dating her for nearly 4 years now, so surely she means something to him. So why won't he do it? He isn't showing any sign of wanting to come back to his family, so why not showning her to his kids and family? Also why won't he file for divorce? He doesn't want to be with me nor our kids, why not letting me go? I might sound selfish but why can't I be like him? Why can't I switch off my feelings? Why can't I lead a single life and only see kids part-time? Why can't I put things into boxes and shh my feelings? Why do I keep hoping that he will wake up? He hasn't shown any sign of coming back! And mainly why am I still focusing on him when he was never good to me. Could it be that I'm scared that I will be single for the rest of my life?
On the other hand I have arranged for a girly weekend next week. The sun is shining and I have been able to do loads of washing, and I'm getting ready to apply for a pay rise!
I hope that God has something good in store for me, but all the people I go out with are all older than me and have been single for more than 10 years and I have to admit that doesn't give me much hope. I'm on some dating websites but the people that I seem to attract aren't really nice ( not looking to be a friend with benefit!), or am I being too fussy?
Am jealous that H has been able to find OW in a natural way (kind of), while I have to resort to dating sites and I find this degrading ( sorry for those who are on them too!). Why aren't there any descent men out there who would want to fight to be with me. I'm going out and working on myself! At times I don't understand where my life is going and I'd love to have some guidance from the man above.
