Trying to detach - part deux

[Cherry]

Forgump, I think your ic is right. When I stepped back and allowed him to start living his life and making his decisions for himself. It's like living as if the d has happened, it helps us to be stronger without them and them to feel the consequences of their actions.

Coly, that's great that you said it in your head so felt more at peace. There's things that seem anti db-big and people have the ruminating vs dwelling/venting argument. But I think whatever helps you to get through and get stronger you do. Once a lot of firsts are done with, it does get easier. And you're getting there hang in there

[Cherry]

I find uplifting music helps me. Driving to work this morning, I had a duet with Whitney houston to "it's not right but it's okay"..

It was a hot day so had my windows down and panoramic sunroof back, so many a person got a glimpse of a crazy woman doing some air grabs and fingers wagging in the air. Just something that works for me, find it motivates me

[SH_]

SH - again your words make me sit up and think (are you a teacher because I always feel I have to be on my best behaviour when reading your posts!).

I just watched the Guy Winch Ted talk about Emotional First Aid. It frightened me a bit about the number of physical issues caused when you don't look after your emotional health especially when I have my D to look after. I took on board the two minute distraction every time I start to ruminate and I recognise this is something that I have always been prone to. Playing things in my mind over and over again and finding it hard to let go.

Today I plucked up the courage to call our EAP helpline which we have through work and broke down but it was good to talk to someone who isn't close to me. They are going to arrange for 8 free counselling sessions starting next week.

I think what is paralysing me, and I agree I am paralysed, is accepting that my marriage is over. I came to this website like everyone else looking for hope to restore my marriage but it seems to be slipping further and further away from me.

So my question is do I need to let go of the hope in order to release myself from this paralysis...?

Coly, no I am not a teacher....I like to think of myself more as a student that studies the heck out of things......

No, please do not lose hope, but yes, you must focus on the reality of the moment.
Look further into Guy Winch........

I left a reply for you over on Cherry's thread.

Let me apologize to you at the offense that I caused you.....
I understand the pain that you are in....
I have to keep the memory of my own dark and lost days following the BD, down everyday...
It was not that many months ago....
But I can promise you that it gets easier....
There is much work needed...
The time it will take really is up to each individual.....
You choose he duration of the struggle.....

I will support you, but I believe that I must step back until you are at a stronger point because my passion and belief in what I share is strong......it is how I am pushing forward for those that I love.......and that does include my STBXW........
Please feel free to reach out to me here if I can assist or share with you in any way.
I will still follow and send you my support from the background Coly23.

I know you will make it through.
You are in the right place to get the support that will benefit you....
Please heed the advice... your future self will thank you.....I promise.
I pray for you and those that are here with us.

[cheesyt]

hey Coly, how's it going over there?

for the record, I didn't take anything you posted on my thread negatively. It's nice to hear things from a different perspective and I appreciate it!!!!

-cheesyt

[Coly23]

Thanks SH.

Cheesy, I'm ok thanks. Just having a weekend away with friends. Lots eating, drinking and crying and they were happy to accommodate all three! The last time I came up to see them was with H and I really miss him being here. D decided not to come up with me in the end. She thought it would be good for me to have a grown up weekend away but I miss her too.

[Coly23]

Gawd, I just though I had a great 180 opportunity and blew it!

H texted me the other day to say he couldn't take D to her work experience in the morning but could pick her up instead. But because I was leaving work early I told him not to worry as I could do both the drop off pick up and I thanked him if helping out over the two weeks. So then I leave work early and as I'm walking to the car D calls to tell me that H has just picked her up so I can go straight home. So straight away that gets my back up because I already told him I would collect her and all the way home I was fuming! He pulled up just as put my car in the drive and made to get out of the car but D quickly got out and said goodbye to him so instead he rolled down the window and asked how I was etc. I had calmed down by then and asked him how he was and then quickly said goodbye and went in the house.

I think I still might have looked a bit sulky but for me the 180 would have been to thank him for picking up D as it saved me a journey instead he must have sensed I was a bit annoyed. I'm such a clutz!!!

[J5K]

Coly

It's ok. Do not beat yourself up over little things like this. Time will help you become stronger and heal you to act more as if.

[Coly23]

Thanks JK. I just need to stop my emotions getting the better of me and to also not get so upset about the small things. Still learning....

[Cherry]

You will get there, it takes time and practice. But at the end of the day we are still human, we will get annoyed. Something like that is bound to give anyone a bit of frustration. So long as you didn't go bathsh!t cray at him- it's all good.. what would you have done previously? Do you think you would have called him out on it and asked him why he didn't let you know? If so, then you still did a 180.

Glad you had fun with friends, letting out the tears can help sometimes. And it's good to seek comfort in friends, support and laughs.

Go easy on yourself, this is one of the hardest things you will deal with and you're doing well. You're up and out and keeping busy- you aren't sat in bed with the curtains closed sobbing.

[SH_]

Coly,

You are able to identify the change you want to make.
This is good....
Would you have identified this opportunity 6 months Ago?
6 weeks ago?
Last week?
This incident shows progress and hopefully you can see that as a win for you and progress in healing and getting stronger.
It is a challenge to change so many years of habit to emotional responses.
I commend you.

Learning is the first step....
Identifying opportunities to act on what you have learned is part of the process.
You did well to see it,....
You are getting stronger and soon will see the opportunity before it happens.

Hopefully you join us on Blu's thread with the discussion about emotions and feelings.
I have learned much, tried many things and found much progress in my seeking out how as you say, "stopping my emotions from getting the best of me."

PS
Wonderful GAL activity for you this weekend.
I commend you for getting out with friends. Eating, drinking and crying with friends, is a great mix of activities in this stage of the journey. Especially since you have shared introverted tendencies to be alone...

I hope that you have a wonderful day and rest of the weekend.