Majority of marriage was seemingly to me, fine. Last 3 have been a room mate situation. She left the marriage emotionally about 3 years ago I see now. Both of us are classic pain avoiders and I controlled the marriage - I see now that was digging my own grave. She had an affair about 2 years ago - went to counseling but she had already checked out (and I was just getting a clue to the damage I had done by being emotionally/physically distant).
The lack of sex drive was on my part (a lot to due with her weight gain - horrible I know - but just being honest). I Never had a strong libido but did not realize until recently how much resentment I was causing. I always let her initiate and occasionally declined. She never said a word about it until she was already gone (pain avoidance).
W would say issues were sex, emotional distance, controlling on my part (e.g. I handled all finances, rarely soliciting her input).
W had affair (I suspect - she never would talk about it) because of someone made her feel sexy/attractive.
She said she ended it because I hounded her for 5 weeks to do so and I think she partially hated herself for it but could not let go of OM because she felt loved and cherished and sexy for the first time in a long time.
We muddled through the last two years as room mates but when I tried to initiate intimacy I could see her wince. That led me to back off and we were right back into the same pattern.
So, that's why when I read that the LRT may backfire if the LBH has been emotionally distant I got worried that as much as I think this is EXACTLY what I need to do (and has given me confidence and hope) it may be the wrong approach for my situation.
I did pursue her pretty strongly when she did not follow me here to Dallas for my new job. But it was mainly in the form of letters expressing my love for her and my willingnes to work on the marriage. But I found out that this "escape" was the plan all along. And so I stopped the pursuing in mid August when I wrote her a heart felt "I am moving on with my life - if you ever sincerely want to work on our marriage you know how to reach me" letter. She said, "Thank you that was helpful" and that was it. So, I have stuck by LRT religiously since mid-August. No sign of change but no talk of D either.
Thanks for asking, I have tried to be brief! Would appreciate any counsel from those who have been through this. Already learning SO much just reading the threads all day!
Me: 49 She: 44 Married: 23 years No Children Separated: 4 months
