Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

Hi guys. Just checking in to say hi. I am feeling much more back on my game.

I was ready to start looking for a new truck for S and I, H was on board to help, I was ready to pull money from my CD and savings. When my friends found out, they questioned why I am so concerned about 140k miles, that many vehicles go to much much longer. One friend suggested looking up info, so I did, and realized it's not about the mileage, it's about how well you take care of it. Geez, isn't that the same about age and our bodies!? Lol. So, not getting new truck, I have an appt for a tune up and oil change! My girl has been reliable and running solid, no need to turn her in, just need to take care of her, and she will take care of me.....does anyone see the irony in that?

I DID also make an appt to get a quote next weekend for new countertops in my kitchen. Goodbye tile! I have been wanting this for years.

As far as GAL, I made plans for an upcoming concert and a weekend of wine tasting. I also have some weddings coming up along with some work functions.

As far as H, still rolling on as BFF. Lol. He came today to pick up S. As usual, he hung out for a while, a pattern I am seeing. I told him about a sprinkler that wasn't working, and how I tried to fix it, and the top popped off and sprayed me. I am sure it was hilarious for the neighbors. So we went out to look at it and ended up spending an hour fixing and adjusting sprinklers.

As we were relaxing in the house afterwards, I put on Ghost Adventures, a show I like to watch, during daytime only! H started in, making fun of it. Then he got on his phone, looked up the show, and proceeded to tell me how it was fixed and former cast were giving away the secrets, reading to me all this negative stuff about it, blah blah blah. I finally said, so what? I enjoy it, it's fun, it's for entertainment. He said, ok, as long as you know it's not real and all staged. I said, I like this kind of stuff, I think it's fun to get spooked and have actually had strange experiences of my own, so who really knows? I said, this is me H, can you just be a friend and let me enjoy this without ruining it? OMG, it felt so good to say that, after a history of him teasing me about things, and not worrying about the repercussions!! He backtracked a bit, said he would do this for any friend, than finally dropped it.

We also discussed the story of a local attraction, the Winchester Mystery House, which was also on the show I like. Her husband created the Winchester rifle, and after losing her newborn baby and husband to disease, she believed she was being haunted and punished by the spirits of the people who died by the rifle. Being extremely wealthy, she had people constantly building on her house, to confuse the spirits so they couldn't find her. It's interesting, but I find it a sad story. H voiced that I shouldn't feel sorry for her because many people go through rough times but don't have the resources to get help or waste their money like she did. What!? I told him, I have compassion for others whether they are rich or poor, not sure what that matters. Anyway, the conversation had me feeling so......different from H and his way of thinking. He just seems to want to debate about everything! So not fun!

Other than that, we are getting along well. I got him some essential oils for his headaches, he got me a tracker for my remote so I don't lose it again. He asked me to pick him up tomorrow after dropping off his truck for maintenance and asked to go swimming all together after. We even made plans for Thanksgiving, to make Prime Rib. It's strange, so strange, but feels right.

The best thing, and Job I think of you often when I feel this, is that I am not making every movement and conversation based on what will fix this, or what will stop this. I am me just being me, and not worrying about what he thinks of that, or what the outcome will be. There is no more fixing this, I don't see repair in my future, I see freedom! To just be me! If he wants to be around that, great! Good for all of us. But it's not my motive. I just want to be happy and enjoy my son and my life.

Dropping the rope has been a life changer. It's taken me 3 years to get here. What continued to make it so difficult for me was the mixed messages, the H wanting to stay in my life, but I finally have been able to change my perspective to see that H is a very lost and confused man, not someone wanting to be with me. It's not healthy and not good for me to hold onto hope. Being friends, for S sake, is what works right now and I accept that is all we are. It has made it so much easier to interact with him.

I hope you are all doing well. I see so many new people joining us. My message to you is listen to the advice you are given here, be good to yourself, and let yourself travel through this in stages.

Love and hugs.
M