I've been staring a blank screen half an hour now. I got so many jumbled thoughts, I'm not sure where to start ... so let me start with thanking all of you for your comments and some which I do want to address a little later. I did get to check in a little later in the day and your responses is what help me pull it back together some.

I guess you are all wondering what's gonna on ... so I guess I'll start with that ... basically a whole lot of nothing!! or should I say a whole lot of act "as-if" on both sides! I in acting "as-if" I never saw the letter and CAW seem to be acting "as-if" she never wrote it. I figure if CAW is gonna be forward enough to make sure I read the letter , she would leave it on the dinning room table or something like that.

After I turned off the computer I went to bed. Tried to sleep but I couldn't nod off for more than an half hour at a time. When CAW came home from work, I was still in bed. I told her when I came home I was exhausted and wanted to go straight to bed but wasn't able to really get any sleep. She left me alone to try to get some more sleep. I was too emotionally unsettled to deal with her on this day so knew if I stayed in bed until D10 came home from school, then I was safe for the rest of the day. Turns out I feel asleep an hour past D10 coming home. I got to find D10 watching TV and eating a TV diner in the living room and CAW sleeping on the couch. It was just starting to rain so I had to run outside and close the windows of my truck. Coming back inside created enough noise for CAW to wake up. We discussed dinner. Neither of us had much of an appetite. I listed of some lite meals and went back to the scramble egg sandwichs I suggested. So I made them. She commented how only I and D10 can make them the way she likes them. Afterwards we all settle in the bedroom to watch some TV. I must have zonked for I don't even remember D10 going to bed. At 2:30am, I came back to bed from the bathroom to find CAW in the midst of a panic attack. I snuggled in behind her like spoons and she settled down after a bit, then she got to "kidding around" and that led to , and then we fell asleep in each other's arms.

Yesterday morning after CAW left for work the letter was still on the nightstand in folded form. Even tho, I was really feeling all that well, I forced myself to spend the day outside in order to keep my mind off this cr@p. I worked some more on the shed and trimmed a tree. CAW mentioned she would be home late as she had a safety meeting until 5pm. At 4pm, I felt what little strength I had was zapped, so I put away my tools and was heading in the front door with CAW pulled into the driveway. She was hot & bothered. Ask why the AC in the house wasn't on. I told her I was outside all day and didn't see the need. She came back with, "For me!". So we closed up the windows, turned on the AC, she plopped on the bed and I went to take a shower. After getting dressed, I joined her on the bed and she proceeded to tell me about her day and the meeting. The we discussed dinner. Again, neither of us had much of an appetite, so I offered to go to the local deli and pick up some sandwiches. After eating, I went to relax on the bed and watch some TV. CAW followed me in and rested her head on my shoulder and snuggled in close and that letter was an arm's reach for her and I'm thinking "WHAT THE HE!! IS GONNIN ON HERE??!!" I just don't get it!! She talked about events going on next week. Wanted to know if I had the night off that D10 has her chorus concert. I said "Yes". She said, "Oh Good." Want to know if I still wanted to come to her friends daughter's confimation on Saturday (she did ask if I would come four weeks ago). I said, " If you want me there, I'm more than happy to come." She said, "Thank you."

This morning after CAW went to work that letter is still sitting in the same spot. CAW came home from work saying she didn't feel well at all so she went straight to bed. I joined her and cuddled. She stayed quiet and we took a nap. When D10 came home from school I got up and made dinner. CAW pass on dinner and stayed in bed. Afterwards, I had to get ready for work ... so here we are ...

I really don't know what to make out of any of this?

So now to those comments ...

Yes I do know that I'm not where I was 2+ years ago ... well at least personally. After that bomb, I was a sniveling puddle of pi$$. Now ... well, let's just say, I did an Edward Scissorshand on that tree yesterday.

I was a gut reaction to reading the letter and it pertained more there being no real progress in rebuilding the M. Which leads to another can of worms to my thought process. For the last year, I've been doubting more and more the choices I had made in my form of DBing. At first they seem to work, CAW stop trying to run away, seemed happy the first six months of the rebuilding. Then it all seem to stop working. How is it she sees it as us drifting apart when it is her deliberately pushing away? Have I just delayed the inevitable? I have heard that from many who know her, even my oldest D18 has said that its only a matter of time.

I didn't make it easy for her then. While I did nothing to get in her way, I also did not take any action towards the seperation too. And I'm being told not make it easy for her now, but she does ask that I help her reach her goals. I don't see how I can accomplish both.

For all those comments about seeing this coming since I was considering a Plan B. I'm gonna steal Betsey's words here. I am at the stage of just starting to consider it, it doesn't mean I an at the stage of accepting it and I would not have taken action until I had accepted it. So while I saw the possibility, I hadn't accepted it was the choice to make.

If her passiveness continues to prevent her from acting on her current feelings, do I step in? To be honest, I think she been trying to get me to do just that for the past year.

I know many of you havn't been around to know the blow-by-blow particulars, but it would be far too much and most of it still very painful to rehash again. Please consider perusing the last 2-3 threads listed at the beginning of this one. Maybe someone reading thru it for the first time might be able to see something that was missed before.

Believe me, I'm sooo grateful for all you caring folks more that I could ever express in words. It is because of you people that I know I will be fine no matter what the outcome.

I'm sorry for the long post and for any typos as I have not done any proofreading.

'til later,
KAW