That was really, really nice. We don't know each other, but I have been reading other posts, and they have helped me. So with your kind permission, I will insert Ohboy into your post to KAW and read it a few (hundred) times.
OK?
Thanks
Ohboy
PS - KAW, things will come back your way. Character, consistency and integrity NEVER lose in the long run. Remember that.
KAW, sending you a big hug and lots of well wishes. There is nothing I could add to this sea of advice that hasn't been said here by someone else and probably said better (UGH, it's hard for a writer to admit that).
Just know we're all standing behind you! There is no doubt in my mind that integrity is what "wins" in the end. It is what brings the lasting happiness. And I think you've got truckloads of it, friend.
I've been staring a blank screen half an hour now. I got so many jumbled thoughts, I'm not sure where to start ... so let me start with thanking all of you for your comments and some which I do want to address a little later. I did get to check in a little later in the day and your responses is what help me pull it back together some.
I guess you are all wondering what's gonna on ... so I guess I'll start with that ... basically a whole lot of nothing!! or should I say a whole lot of act "as-if" on both sides! I in acting "as-if" I never saw the letter and CAW seem to be acting "as-if" she never wrote it. I figure if CAW is gonna be forward enough to make sure I read the letter , she would leave it on the dinning room table or something like that.
After I turned off the computer I went to bed. Tried to sleep but I couldn't nod off for more than an half hour at a time. When CAW came home from work, I was still in bed. I told her when I came home I was exhausted and wanted to go straight to bed but wasn't able to really get any sleep. She left me alone to try to get some more sleep. I was too emotionally unsettled to deal with her on this day so knew if I stayed in bed until D10 came home from school, then I was safe for the rest of the day. Turns out I feel asleep an hour past D10 coming home. I got to find D10 watching TV and eating a TV diner in the living room and CAW sleeping on the couch. It was just starting to rain so I had to run outside and close the windows of my truck. Coming back inside created enough noise for CAW to wake up. We discussed dinner. Neither of us had much of an appetite. I listed of some lite meals and went back to the scramble egg sandwichs I suggested. So I made them. She commented how only I and D10 can make them the way she likes them. Afterwards we all settle in the bedroom to watch some TV. I must have zonked for I don't even remember D10 going to bed. At 2:30am, I came back to bed from the bathroom to find CAW in the midst of a panic attack. I snuggled in behind her like spoons and she settled down after a bit, then she got to "kidding around" and that led to , and then we fell asleep in each other's arms.
Yesterday morning after CAW left for work the letter was still on the nightstand in folded form. Even tho, I was really feeling all that well, I forced myself to spend the day outside in order to keep my mind off this cr@p. I worked some more on the shed and trimmed a tree. CAW mentioned she would be home late as she had a safety meeting until 5pm. At 4pm, I felt what little strength I had was zapped, so I put away my tools and was heading in the front door with CAW pulled into the driveway. She was hot & bothered. Ask why the AC in the house wasn't on. I told her I was outside all day and didn't see the need. She came back with, "For me!". So we closed up the windows, turned on the AC, she plopped on the bed and I went to take a shower. After getting dressed, I joined her on the bed and she proceeded to tell me about her day and the meeting. The we discussed dinner. Again, neither of us had much of an appetite, so I offered to go to the local deli and pick up some sandwiches. After eating, I went to relax on the bed and watch some TV. CAW followed me in and rested her head on my shoulder and snuggled in close and that letter was an arm's reach for her and I'm thinking "WHAT THE HE!! IS GONNIN ON HERE??!!" I just don't get it!! She talked about events going on next week. Wanted to know if I had the night off that D10 has her chorus concert. I said "Yes". She said, "Oh Good." Want to know if I still wanted to come to her friends daughter's confimation on Saturday (she did ask if I would come four weeks ago). I said, " If you want me there, I'm more than happy to come." She said, "Thank you."
This morning after CAW went to work that letter is still sitting in the same spot. CAW came home from work saying she didn't feel well at all so she went straight to bed. I joined her and cuddled. She stayed quiet and we took a nap. When D10 came home from school I got up and made dinner. CAW pass on dinner and stayed in bed. Afterwards, I had to get ready for work ... so here we are ...
I really don't know what to make out of any of this?
So now to those comments ...
Yes I do know that I'm not where I was 2+ years ago ... well at least personally. After that bomb, I was a sniveling puddle of pi$$. Now ... well, let's just say, I did an Edward Scissorshand on that tree yesterday.
I was a gut reaction to reading the letter and it pertained more there being no real progress in rebuilding the M. Which leads to another can of worms to my thought process. For the last year, I've been doubting more and more the choices I had made in my form of DBing. At first they seem to work, CAW stop trying to run away, seemed happy the first six months of the rebuilding. Then it all seem to stop working. How is it she sees it as us drifting apart when it is her deliberately pushing away? Have I just delayed the inevitable? I have heard that from many who know her, even my oldest D18 has said that its only a matter of time.
I didn't make it easy for her then. While I did nothing to get in her way, I also did not take any action towards the seperation too. And I'm being told not make it easy for her now, but she does ask that I help her reach her goals. I don't see how I can accomplish both.
For all those comments about seeing this coming since I was considering a Plan B. I'm gonna steal Betsey's words here. I am at the stage of just starting to consider it, it doesn't mean I an at the stage of accepting it and I would not have taken action until I had accepted it. So while I saw the possibility, I hadn't accepted it was the choice to make.
If her passiveness continues to prevent her from acting on her current feelings, do I step in? To be honest, I think she been trying to get me to do just that for the past year.
I know many of you havn't been around to know the blow-by-blow particulars, but it would be far too much and most of it still very painful to rehash again. Please consider perusing the last 2-3 threads listed at the beginning of this one. Maybe someone reading thru it for the first time might be able to see something that was missed before.
Believe me, I'm sooo grateful for all you caring folks more that I could ever express in words. It is because of you people that I know I will be fine no matter what the outcome.
I'm sorry for the long post and for any typos as I have not done any proofreading.
My head is in a spin reading about you and your situation. You must be dog tired.
You say that CAW's complaint about you was that you were dark on her for much of the marriage. Since you started DBing more than two years ago, you have done a 180 on that, but still it isn't working. Her letter makes out that nothing has changed, from her POV.
It seems to me that you have got to give another tactic a shot.
One thing I am not clear about is the significance of her having to wait a year. For what, precisely, and why one year? Also, does CAW know you know about OM?
OM doesn't even sound like a long term bet. Perhaps CAW really does need to see what the grass is like out there?
From where I am, I can't see more of the same getting you anywhere.
Let's just suppose that OM pulls out and dumps her 100%. In that case she will be thrown into more depression, and will not be particularly motivated to see what is good about your R, she will take it for granted as usual.
But if she were to separate, then she will have a much clearer idea about OM (sounds a bad bet - will he still be interested when she is truly available?) and also begin to appreciate what you have to offer.
To sum up, don't see separation as necessarily bad.
This is not advice, just thinkng out aloud.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I'm absolutely astounded at the passive aggressiveness CAW is showing. Not commenting on something is exactly what Mr. Wonderful would have done in a previous life. It's rotten and I feel for you.
However, I have to say that I'm incredibly impressed with your resolve to act AS IF. What a guy! I have some unsightly yard work that is beyond my skill set--will you come over and take out a few dead trees and help me with some overgrown bushes? I promise not to complain if Edward comes with you...
Feel free to borrow or steal anything I have that might be useful to you. Actually, it was Meredith who broached the topic of CONSIDERING (have to give credit where it is due). CONSIDERING is a good step in any process.
You're an experienced dancer in this show, KAW. I know that you know how to do it. If anyone can, it's YOU.
A big hug coming your way...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: You say that CAW's complaint about you was that you were dark on her for much of the marriage. Since you started DBing more than two years ago, you have done a 180 on that, but still it isn't working. Her letter makes out that nothing has changed, from her POV.
Well, I wouldn't say it didn't work. Two years ago she was dead set on leaving and persuing a more involved R with OM. Since my whole-hearted efforts in DBing, she not only wanted to stick her big toe back into the M, but managed to get into the water up to her chin at times. Problem was she would stay in the water. Kept getting out ... getting back in ... getting out ... well you get the picture.
Quote: It seems to me that you have got to give another tactic a shot.
In order to get her to choose to stay in the water or not, I agree, but what? A seperation is not what I would want, so I looking for alternatives if there are any? Ironically, its starting to seem like a seperation may be the shortest route to take to get to the other side of this voyage and after two years that is starting to have some appeal.
Quote: One thing I am not clear about is the significance of her having to wait a year. For what, precisely, and why one year? Also, does CAW know you know about OM?
Her D24 (from previous M) is currently living out of state with her father. She is unhappy there (no suprise ... but long story), but is enrolled in a business school there. It seems CAW & D24 back in Feb concocted a plan where she would move back to this area after she has complete her schooling in about a year and CAW would move in with her.
No I don't believe CAW is aware that I know she has restarted up again with OM ... and that is one of the things I've been contemplating. Do I bring that up in the talk, if it comes to that?
I'm gonna have a big problem if she is again looking for some kind of future with him. I will state it again here, I don't think I can accept her returning to M because R with OM didn't work out. After 22 years, I'm not gonna accept second fiddle to anyone! That is what has always endeared me to her. She is the only person in my life that has ever made me feel I'm the most important person in their lives. I can forgive her for waivering as she has up to now because I had fallen short of being that person that was so important to her, but now after I made my changes, I don't feel I can not forgive her if she accepts only to come back to me because she tried but could not obtain making another, her number one man.
I hope that makes sense...
Betsey , thanks for your vote of confidence in my efforts. I wish I felt as strongly about it as you and the others.
I can understand your frustration. And your resolve to not play second fiddle.
The best solution I can see is to allow her to leave. But only because you've tried everything else. I know that's a huge risk to take...and scary as heck. And I know that it's not what you want.
Maybe it's just too early in the morning, but I can't come up with any other solutions at this point.
Quote: I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer you.
I can understand your frustration. And your resolve to not play second fiddle.
The best solution I can see is to allow her to leave. But only because you've tried everything else. I know that's a huge risk to take...and scary as heck. And I know that it's not what you want.
Well, it's early here too and I have no coffee. So maybe my mind is limited. But I agree with the above.
I think you've got the DB skills, you've done so many things right. But clearly something needs to change up here.
Perhaps a separation is what is needed to get to other side. I can't say for sure. Only can say that yes, you need to do something different now... for your own self as much as for the R.
I figure if CAW is gonna be forward enough to make sure I read the letter , she would leave it on the dinning room table or something like that.
, and then we fell asleep in each other's arms.
I just don't get it!! 
She talked about events going on next week. Wanted to know if I had the night off that D10 has her chorus concert. I said "Yes". She said, "Oh Good." Want to know if I still wanted to come to her friends daughter's confimation on Saturday (she did ask if I would come four weeks ago). I said, " If you want me there, I'm more than happy to come." She said, "Thank you."
