newbie. sep 6months. Little hope for reconcilation

[Surfer]

My concern with going dark was if I was p!$$ing her off? My first days of darkness she made negative comments about it.

Don't worry about this either. Whatever you do will be wrong. Also, she probably feels like it's over, yada, yada, no it's not. Your relationship continues until of you gets dirt on your box. You have kids. You will always be in each other's lives. What she is possibly thinking is:

- I can't feel the same again about the M, you etc again, my GF's have given me great advice and all that. 2 points here, when she married you she didn't think that. She's changed her mind now, it can change back. Second point. She is probably getting a lot of girl or other validation. It's BS. She is getting validated for WW behaviour (the are helping her with her guilt to keep her for themselves). By people that have a bias, are ill educated (in DB etc), don't have her kids and you at the forefront of their minds, have an opinion because they once had a relationship. Poison, but it's your WW's tipple of choice right now. But it comes with one hell of a hangover.

- Also, of course she is pissed off. You are doing something she does not like, you are trying to make your M work and you are probably doing things that ruin her rewritten history. He's the bad man (they all do this), this is why - lies basically. Or should I say, a grain of truth turned into a dessert of lies. Eg. 'You never listen to me, you never cared, I don't matter' - oh yes, how come I know your name, when you were born, .....you could write a book about her, in several volumes, but you never listen. Ignore what she says about going dark. It's a method, she wants to spew at you too and you are preventing this. Listen in part, there's useful grains in there. You can 180 these grains (she will say too little too late no doubt). But exit the spew if you need to - I know you get this bit. Validate where you can handle it.

- she needs to really paint you as the bad man. If she can, she wins the reason to exit with her head held high. Do not engage in any argument at all. They are rigged so she can say "you will never guess what he has said now". It's a printing press for her propoganda. Don't give her it. Do not engage.

- she will gaslight you, the spew is largely gas lighting and her removing guilt by justifying her spew and rewritten history as being true. It's BS! I think you can test this by seeing who she is hanging with now vs 4 years ago. I bet 4 years ago she would think nothing of going for drinks with the straight laced friends she had. Now, she won't. The straight laced do not like to hear their friends bitching about their husbands. Why? This People have respect for their husbands.

- going dark, detaching, GAL are to get back to the real you. When you get there and it will take time she will either chase you or someone else will. Win win. It may take months or even years to really get there though - that's the crappy part. But you will be happy again and so will your kids.

That's all for now.

Hope it helps.

Surfer.