newbie. sep 6months. Little hope for reconcilation

[Cessna]

A lot more communication even though it was all anger and negative towards me. I'm not sure if I need to give the darkness time?

[Coconut]

Give it time, but use that time to focus on yourself, not just to see how she reacts.

[RosaLinda]

Less contact from her does not sound like a bad thing if your former communication was all anger and negativity towards you Cessna.

I think the idea of the darkness is to to make her feel the loss of you, show her what life will be like without you, but also to give yourself time to heal and recover your emotional well being. Three weeks probably seems like a life time to you now, but in the overall scheme of things, it's a really short time. Especially if your wife is having a mid life crisis. That takes a long long time to resolve, and anger is one of the stages.

I think you mentioned there's no OM right? Are you guys still separated?

[Cessna]

Linda, thanks for your thoughts and it does make sense. I have no evidence of an OM. However, she is a major head turner, well off financially, and in a work world where there are lots of men. I have to assume there is a OM. Also, before we separated (7months now) she was asking me to date? So, duh Cessna!

[Surfer]

Cessna,

Try not to think about things like she is a 'head turner'. You have been married 21 years and so you must be too! She fell for you don't forget......it is perhaps the case that you feel less worthy right now as you feel low. This is an important thing to deal with. You must get your mojo back. Arguing and or looking misrerable or stressed will turn her off you! You need to be smiley, happy you. Even if you don't feel it try your best.

Keep contact to the minimum and don't chase her. Don't get in touch unless she gets in touch then keep it happy and light chat. Make sure you are smiling on the phone if it's a call she will hear it.

Try to detach and GAL. Keeping that time to the minimum together will be good as if you are at war all the time you need to break the habit. Time is a great healer. With space your interactions will improve. It will take weeks from a S if not months for you to see any improvement thought. It has been 3 months for us now and I see some, not much, and she slips back.

Detaching helps me to not have any feelings abut how she feels. Don't get me wrong, I care, but I am not controlled by how she feels. Today she looked kind of confused/mildly vexed. I am really not concerned about that. The other day very chatty and decent. Other days talking in a bossy (to me) or victimised way. Don't like either.

Basically, it's been said before, validate where you can, walk away where you have to. Keep interactions to the minimum and make sure you don't initiate where possible,

You say your W is a head turner. She is to you, but not everyone - trust me on this. Don't get all jealous, we all do in early stages. Also if she had an EA or PA or is wayward does not matter. She clearly spews at you in front of others so is most likely wayward to some degree? Sandi is best to advise on this.

If she is financially good, head turner etc. Besides being a great dad, what did you add? Helped with self esteem, always listened, what did you add for her? She might need more of that? Depends.

Life apart will help. I believe in my case it has definitely made me more secure, in me and our R. Same for the kids. My W was in a very dark place - looked deranged a lot! She seems to be looking better now which I like also. I don't want her disturbed. I don't want her dating other men or being disrespectful to me or our M either but I can't control that. Time has helped us to talk better. We share more now. I don't know how it will pan out really. We are a fork in the road. She will either feel pressure (financial, emotional etc) and will crash again, then talk more or she will carry on as life is comfortable. I have challenges at present too but I am happy.

My point is, it is like a deep fog, for you too. You can't see too far away. Keep going - baby steps!

Surfer.

[Cessna]

Sound words Surfer and I have been DBing to perfection with just a few ball drops for about a month. I certainly was a positive influence to her self esteem but she has made negative remarks in the past regarding self-esteem? I have been accused of not listening to her and I'm sure I'm guilty of that. But, with so little contact physically or verbally it's really hard to "show" my more developed listening skills. Or anything else for that matter. My concern with going dark was if I was p!$$ing her off? My first days of darkness she made negative comments about it.

[Surfer]

I certainly was a positive influence to her self esteem but she has made negative remarks in the past regarding self-esteem? I have been accused of not listening to her and I'm sure I'm guilty of that.

Okay. Show me one woman who has a man that always listens and validates. I'll show you a woman that is married to a homosexual or a female in drag. Men are just naturally poor at this. Don't beat yourself up. If you didn't listen at all and she was head over heels in love with you - she would not care about listening.

I am still cr@p at it naturally. I am trying though and she does see it, I can tell. Because she tells me more now! We are separated too don't forget. Don't get me wrong - it bores the sh!t out of me, and I know I can't just do it for now. But I do have to pay extra attention for now - and enough forever if this ever works out. If it does not, it's okay to just listen to what I need to the rest can be tuned out. Happy days either way!

Surfer.

[Cessna]

You nailed it. I think I just have a short attention span? But I'm working on it.

[Surfer]

My concern with going dark was if I was p!$$ing her off? My first days of darkness she made negative comments about it.

Don't worry about this either. Whatever you do will be wrong. Also, she probably feels like it's over, yada, yada, no it's not. Your relationship continues until of you gets dirt on your box. You have kids. You will always be in each other's lives. What she is possibly thinking is:

- I can't feel the same again about the M, you etc again, my GF's have given me great advice and all that. 2 points here, when she married you she didn't think that. She's changed her mind now, it can change back. Second point. She is probably getting a lot of girl or other validation. It's BS. She is getting validated for WW behaviour (the are helping her with her guilt to keep her for themselves). By people that have a bias, are ill educated (in DB etc), don't have her kids and you at the forefront of their minds, have an opinion because they once had a relationship. Poison, but it's your WW's tipple of choice right now. But it comes with one hell of a hangover.

- Also, of course she is pissed off. You are doing something she does not like, you are trying to make your M work and you are probably doing things that ruin her rewritten history. He's the bad man (they all do this), this is why - lies basically. Or should I say, a grain of truth turned into a dessert of lies. Eg. 'You never listen to me, you never cared, I don't matter' - oh yes, how come I know your name, when you were born, .....you could write a book about her, in several volumes, but you never listen. Ignore what she says about going dark. It's a method, she wants to spew at you too and you are preventing this. Listen in part, there's useful grains in there. You can 180 these grains (she will say too little too late no doubt). But exit the spew if you need to - I know you get this bit. Validate where you can handle it.

- she needs to really paint you as the bad man. If she can, she wins the reason to exit with her head held high. Do not engage in any argument at all. They are rigged so she can say "you will never guess what he has said now". It's a printing press for her propoganda. Don't give her it. Do not engage.

- she will gaslight you, the spew is largely gas lighting and her removing guilt by justifying her spew and rewritten history as being true. It's BS! I think you can test this by seeing who she is hanging with now vs 4 years ago. I bet 4 years ago she would think nothing of going for drinks with the straight laced friends she had. Now, she won't. The straight laced do not like to hear their friends bitching about their husbands. Why? This People have respect for their husbands.

- going dark, detaching, GAL are to get back to the real you. When you get there and it will take time she will either chase you or someone else will. Win win. It may take months or even years to really get there though - that's the crappy part. But you will be happy again and so will your kids.

That's all for now.

Hope it helps.

Surfer.

[Cessna]

Back in June I think, I wash shopping and a woman came up to me, made small talk, and then asked me out. I said "thanks, your beautiful, but I'm married". She wasn't beautiful if I recall. Apparently someone saw this or something. My wife just texted me and said someone just told her about that. She thinks I might be dating her????

I don't want to screw this up. I need the perfect liner to text back describing how I really feel about dating while separated. Not going to happen! Normally I could do this but my brain is scrambled from separation and anxiety for the future.

No evidence but I suspect she has a OM. Anyone would. Haven't snooped. Probably would if I knew how to.. Thanks!!!