newbie. sep 6months. Little hope for reconcilation

[Surfer]

Cessna,

Try not to think about things like she is a 'head turner'. You have been married 21 years and so you must be too! She fell for you don't forget......it is perhaps the case that you feel less worthy right now as you feel low. This is an important thing to deal with. You must get your mojo back. Arguing and or looking misrerable or stressed will turn her off you! You need to be smiley, happy you. Even if you don't feel it try your best.

Keep contact to the minimum and don't chase her. Don't get in touch unless she gets in touch then keep it happy and light chat. Make sure you are smiling on the phone if it's a call she will hear it.

Try to detach and GAL. Keeping that time to the minimum together will be good as if you are at war all the time you need to break the habit. Time is a great healer. With space your interactions will improve. It will take weeks from a S if not months for you to see any improvement thought. It has been 3 months for us now and I see some, not much, and she slips back.

Detaching helps me to not have any feelings abut how she feels. Don't get me wrong, I care, but I am not controlled by how she feels. Today she looked kind of confused/mildly vexed. I am really not concerned about that. The other day very chatty and decent. Other days talking in a bossy (to me) or victimised way. Don't like either.

Basically, it's been said before, validate where you can, walk away where you have to. Keep interactions to the minimum and make sure you don't initiate where possible,

You say your W is a head turner. She is to you, but not everyone - trust me on this. Don't get all jealous, we all do in early stages. Also if she had an EA or PA or is wayward does not matter. She clearly spews at you in front of others so is most likely wayward to some degree? Sandi is best to advise on this.

If she is financially good, head turner etc. Besides being a great dad, what did you add? Helped with self esteem, always listened, what did you add for her? She might need more of that? Depends.

Life apart will help. I believe in my case it has definitely made me more secure, in me and our R. Same for the kids. My W was in a very dark place - looked deranged a lot! She seems to be looking better now which I like also. I don't want her disturbed. I don't want her dating other men or being disrespectful to me or our M either but I can't control that. Time has helped us to talk better. We share more now. I don't know how it will pan out really. We are a fork in the road. She will either feel pressure (financial, emotional etc) and will crash again, then talk more or she will carry on as life is comfortable. I have challenges at present too but I am happy.

My point is, it is like a deep fog, for you too. You can't see too far away. Keep going - baby steps!

Surfer.