Life has changed, and I choose to grow from it.

[SH_]

Phoebe!!
Sweet Brown is hilarious! Ain't nobody got time for that!!

It seems that you and I have a somewhat similar feeling about treading near the edge of the dark shadowlands. Most of the time, I'm doing quite well these days, but yesterday I got triggered really badly, and literally went down to the ground sobbing and hyperventilating in the land of shadows, which happened to be in my diningroom. I had this flashback feeling that I was right back in the same time and space as the first time WH ran away from an argument that came seemingly out of the blue. I closed my eyes and I pull see hi in the doorway, saying that he was scared. I didn't understand. He was scared to sever his ties to me, but he didn't say that. I just recognize it in hindsight.

Now this make my heart lurch reading.....
My last experience with this was the day after my birthday.
Ugh.....
But I am studying away at the emotions and feeling stuff as I must understand and master this mess in my head.
Short version..
We aint broke because we experience this.
It can break us if we let it continue.
We can be aware and actually put in mental exercises and conditioning to control this.
Funny thing I am learning.
We control our mind...it does not control us....It is a matter of first knowing, then doing,learning, then doing some more, then doing some more.

But my dear Phoebe...we must get your sleep issues under control.
It is adding to your other stresses such as this episode, your shaking, tears etc.
I know you have convinced yourself that you are a night owl...that may not be true as much as one believes...I am learning that there are measures you really need to look into and try, and if not, then seek assistance and possible diagnoses of sleep disorders.
But poor sleep patterns is not healthy, physically nor mentally.
Please do not discount what I encourage you to seek for this....
You owe it to yourself at this point.
(((((Phoebe)))))
PS, journal away on my thread anytime....at least I know you are still out there and kicking when I see it.

Sara,
Yes, the petri dish...lol.
I am starting to shake it. I was able to jog and exercise again today after several days off. Still not 100%, but rebounding.
You ask a good question.....
Unfortunately as I stopped to think on it, the only answer I can muster up is...
I may be a WAH at this point.
Don't get me wrong. I love her. With all of my heart. But what has transpired over the past 6 months, and what I feel when I see her...when I see the pain behind the my baby girls smiles and strength to simply push on and enjoy each moment...The memory of the pain and way she tore out and did so without explanation....The bitterness behind her eyes that I catch but a momentary glimpse, because she ensures that she does not look at me......I don't know that I can put that behind.
I forgive her.....I truly believe that I have forgiven her, because I have no ill will towards her...no anger...simply sadness in my heart at the pain I see her in, the pain she inadvertently causes her baby girls...it hurts, but I forgive her.

I just don't know if I can forget.......

No, the dismissal is merely a formality due to her lack of follow through and efforts. It is a continuous pattern from our years together. it is not a change of heart. The few moments I see her during the week, she is more cold, bitter and angry than ever. She just has no arena to act out in. No one is paying her circus of monkeys an mind.

She wanted to make the big decisions, she just wanted me to handle all of the details....Now she is responsible for doing so herself.....and money does not flow for her. After 20 years of having me just simply take care of the bills and costs for her decisions, she now has to face it on her own.
Paying for a D is not like going out to dinner. It is several months salary for a school teacher........
There are many here that will better be able to answer your question in a manner that will benefit you in the case that your H has his own epiphany. And while I can not share for you here, you know I am here for you and will cheer you on and or holler at you if you are giving in too soon.
(((Sara))) One of the best Dbers that I have seen in my time here.
Much love and respect for you.

RosaLinda,
My dear sweet neighbor. Do keep an open chair for me in your neighborhood as I will be there soon.
The hold up is an anticipated event, as she has long liked to blame me for in action, but I now see it as projection.

These past seven months have been hell for me and my family, but it has opened my eyes to see more truths about myself without the taint and tint of her comments and judgements of me. The delay for this is on her, while blaming me for it, it is now apparent that I had nothing to do with it....She knows this as she has not brought it up to me again.

My feelings you ask....They are that of, "oh well...."
The only thing that changes when it is finalized, is the few dollars per month for child support and the technical legality that I could marry again.
So as I was told many times in the beginning, it is a simple piece of paper and really does not change my situation. Many early DBers should heed this as the fear of D, is all in ones mind. I see this clear as day now. Since I followed the advice to legally protect finances early on, there really is no battle to deal with.....Sound advice I received and followed.

Are you referring to a real person (your wife or some other woman you know) or is the person you want to attract a hypothetical future life partner? You are a great guy, and all the work you are doing on yourself is turning you in to quite a catch, hopefully for your wife once she comes back to her senses, or if she does not, for some other worthy woman.

I refer to an unknown potential partner in the future......
An unknown woman in an unknown future.....
But only after I determine who and what I am in my core.
Not a moment sooner.
I strongly believe in the law of attraction and I am learning what it is to love ones self, so that I may attract not only a potential partner if that is in the cards, but other relationships that benefit socially, professionally, spiritually.
On a planet with like a bazillion people and we get so caught up in the relationship of just one?
And for 50% txt one is not even the best option if D is the outcome......
Why hold on so tight and cry over it?
I am setting out to understand what that is, how it feels, and the benefits of enjoying a more joyful and peaceful life.
I shy away from seeking out another woman until I can do so in a manner that I want, not need the companionship of that person.

I struggle to believe that there could ever be a future with my W in it as my companion.
I do pray though that she is in it as wonderful mother form babies and I hold out hope that we can have a wonderful relationship and 2 human beings that are parents of the same little angels.....That door I will always leave open and walk to in hopes.......

This is great advice from Mach. I know that your situation with your wife makes you feel a bit depressed around the edges, that's normal, but how exciting to be given a second chance to be the you that you really are inside. That is exactly how I feel too. I truly wanted to reconcile with my ex, but am now glad that it did not work out, and am so grateful to have been given a second chance. Life is good! And I "liked" that line too!

Mach has entered my story at a most opportune time.
I do not fully believe in coincidence, so I look to gain from the relationship he has offered me and learn from him.

It is exciting to have a second chance.
I am anxious for what it brings.
I am confident that I can make better based on what I have learned and experienced.
I have people that I count on that need me to do this.
I have people that count on me.....
This story will have good ending....
This I commit to each and every morning.

Thank you RL for also coming into my story at this time. Your support and kind words lend strength at a time that I need more to push on.

I found this quote appropriate to complete my thoughts here.

People come into your life, and some of those people leave. People change. If they were real while they were in your life remember them that way. Life has a funny way of affecting people. Things happen. Make good memories and always keep moving forward. You're your own director in your own movie. Grant some people main rolls. Let some people play extras. But regardless of who you chose for the credits...Make sure you produce a movie that you're proud of. -Zach Taylor