H filed for divorce - is it too late?

[Zues126]

I guess H was talking to his friend about how he doesn't want to just "hook up" with random girls and how it would have been so easy to stay with me, but that he's doing the right thing for his life but it's unjust how difficult it is to do.

One thing I often post to newcomers is this: Don't follow your emotions, because they're all over the place. Don't follow your thoughts, because they are nothing more than rationalizations of your haywire emotions. Instead, follow your true beliefs. No matter how hard. Only they can steer you right.

This is perfect example. Another example is Cherry's WAH remarking that expected her to fight harder for their relationship. None of this makes any sense. But they aren't crazy. These thoughts do reflect how they are feeling. But they are all over the map, illogical, and inconsistent. This doesn't make them horrible people, it just means that they haven't learned the Zues rule.

A while back I posted an excerpt from my journal in 2011. My M was horrible, horrible, horrible. I understand why XW threw in the towel. For the last 42 months we were together I think 36 of them we weren't speaking, just out of defeat. It was bad. Point is, there was a time when I was really torn about whether to stay or go. I reread my journal, and it had all of these pages of writing about why it would make sense to leave, and why it would make sense to go. But in the end I kept coming back to the idea that there was something priceless about the preservation of the marriage, the family, and keeping the opportunity alive for our love to re-bloom. My point is that while I felt the feelings of a WAS, and I thought the thoughts, I didn't take the actions. I could've handled myself much better, but I didn't walk from the marriage.

For your WAH...that is to be seen. Sure he is feeling the feelings, and he is thinking the thoughts. He has BD'ed you. The M is dead, make no mistake. But as of yet he hasn't taken action that has totally burned the bridge. He may. Or he may have a wake up call before he does. It's impossible to predict. Just realize that there is a difference between what he is feeling/thinking/saying versus what he actually does. Truly believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

And that is why it's so important for you to detach, and also to act on your own beliefs. You detach to avoid his craziness (whether he turns back towards the M or goes full steam ahead towards D, either is dangerous). And you follow your beliefs so you don't make the same mistakes he does.

Not only did I follow my beliefs by staying in the M, I followed them through the divorce process. If you read my update on my thread from 9/2 or thereabouts (in the "surviving the big D" forum) you'll get a good picture of how that benefited me. While I couldn't save my M, I am so so so proud of how I handled my sitch, and the life I have for myself as a result. Check it out if you can, it will be a way for you to get to know me a bit better and I think it demonstrated what I'm talking about pretty well.

Keep posting and take care.