H filed for divorce - is it too late?

[csabo]

Yesterday, I ended up being very exhausted. I did manage to vacuum and load the dishwasher in between trying to nap, but did not make it to dance lessons. My friend called and wanted to go to the fair at 8, which is when dance lessons were, so I decided to go to the fair instead but then it stormed pretty bad so we didn't go at all. I don't feel too bad about it, I have not been sleeping well these past few weeks and I think I needed the rest. It's important to have fun but also important to take care of yourself, and my body was telling me I needed rest.

Today, I felt a bit sad for H - he is clearly not happy even thought he is the one who wanted to leave. He is afraid of being alone, I think.

I felt mostly okay, starting to detach?, but just now I was reading a short story with a sick woman (post-partum depression, I think, though it never said) and a doting husband, and I felt sad for me again. I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want to lose this life I've built with him.

I know it's hard to detach early, and though it feels like it's been a lifetime, 2 months is probably too early, but some days I feel just a...bittersweetness about this all. Happy for the memories, sad for the change, but mostly okay. Some days I just want it to be over with already, out of this limbo. Let him go if he is going.

I worry about him. I don't think he is being emotionally healthy with himself, fretting about having sex with other women and whether that's what he wants or not, and why can't he just find someone to love him already. He's not giving himself time to get over this marriage and he's already trying too desperately to move on. Like he's not acknowledging there's a void in him from this and accepting it.

Even though I am still trying to save my marriage, I am also trying to prepare for the eventuality that it may be over. I am trying to make plans for myself for the future. I think I may move to the state my dad lives in to get a fresh start away from here where everything reminds me of my husband. It's a little exciting to think about, and gives me something to look forward to, a light at the end of the tunnel.

Some days I feel like I should just move on now. He says he's divorcing me because of my depression, and I keep thinking if I could just be better then he would stay. But honestly, I've been fighting this depression since before I knew him, I don't think it can just go away that easily. Even if he does come back, I think I would always have that hanging over my head - if I slip up he will leave again. It's too much pressure.

Though, I feel that if he felt he loved me again the depression wouldn't be the issue. He loved me through 2 years of depression and then married me anyway and stayed by my side another 7. I think if it was the deal breaker he says it is, then it would have been the deal breaker long ago. I think he thinks I stopped trying, and that was the issue. If I can show him I'm trying...maybe...

I have another 10 days to file my answer to his petition, and then we have a mandatory 90-day waiting period before we can file anything else. After the 90 days, we can file whatever else needs to be done and then request a court date which could take a few weeks. I figure I have another 4 months at least, which puts me in January or February. Hey, he gave me divorce papers for our anniversary, maybe I can give him a finalized divorce for Valentine's Day.

Though I love him dearly, and feel I will always love him in some way, I think once the divorce is finalized I will move on with my life. I know there is still hope for reconciliation after the big D and who knows how I will feel then, but right now that is my cut off.