The Fight For Self III

[CT1118]

PacLove - wow am I so sorry I have just seen your question(s). Did not mean to ignore.

So on the initial part...OK, so by what basis did I come across that information and/or opinion? To answer you, I really do not recall the context for which I said that, however, it looks about right. If you cover my "Fight for Self" thread, there is a ton of me in there and a ton of research that I did, where I tried my very best to offer some details from things I've read. This is my whole point of the fight for self threads - to post those studies and how the help my journey.
So the W in an A tends to follow a script. Part of it includes new friends who support their behavior, dismissing or distancing old friends and family, self-justifying behavior, going through identity crisis,and meanwhile not seeing the truth of normative human psychology on what they are actually doing - WW are experiencing a mindset highly correlative to a teenagers mind. So in basics, imagine being back in high school, what mattered most? The reputation - nerd, cool, awkward, smart - whatever, we were all in some click - and in that click what matter most - reputation.

So for me, my spouse's father, sister, cousins, my own parents, her best friends etc do not know she is in an A. Why, I left it up to her to tell them, which I told her. She lied to me and said she did, but I found out this was not true some time ago. Actually, her aunt just called me today to ask how I was doing and I realized during the conversation she had no idea her niece and I were apart - I was told she did, so while I did not lie, I used conversation tactics to avert topics. Why? Not to keep up appearances, but it is not my story to tell to my spouses family. The truth will come out in time.

I do not support telling or exposing. You may accidentally make it happen though, I did, but only because I was told certain people knew and they didn't, after that I stopped.

If you value your potential for M and want to get back to R so you can get back to M, then I am not so convinced telling family or friends that your W is having an A is the right answer.That said, what is right for you? What would be your motivation? What would be your goal? I think once you D, perhaps it might be fair game to explain your perspective as to why you will never see a beloved Aunt-in-law again. But before that, what is your goal...to guilt your W back into your arms?

PacLove - this is not about the OM. The OM is a symptom of her pain and confusion. This is about you. You have choices. You can act out of revenge or you can act out of self-respect. Which one of those does exposure fit into for you? It is not move on or date at this point - there is not much self-respect in using one human's emotions to get beyond another's. For me it is choosing the self above all others, not so that I may be selfish, but so that I may be selfless.

Did that make sense? If not, let me know I will do the research on my own quotes and get back for another try. In the meantime, I will read up on your sitch one way or the other.