Sorry folks for the way I ended my last post. It was not how I intended to, but I feel so humbled in the wake of the responses and I thank you all for that. For the last couple of months I been leaving my personal reflections for the weekends when I'm scheduled to cover at work. Last Saturday I was compiling that last post when I thought it would be quiet for a period at the end of the day, work intervened and I know I'd wouldn't be able to get back to it.

So starting tonite, for the next four weeks, I will be working thru the night. On the plus side, I'm anticipating for less interuptions and hopefully a bit more quiet time to navigate the bb. Timing probably couldn't be better to allow some more self-reflection.

Last Saturday, as I explained on Wonder's thread, there are two basic strategies towards finding the 180's that are to be effective in breaking cycles of cheeseless tunnels. First ones to try are the 180's that are intended to be an attraction for them in order to draw them closer. This is what I call "Plan A" to break the tide that carries away the neglected WAS who feels abandoned, unloved, misunderstood, alone - to seek out and try all one can think of that falls under this catagory of 180's.

At some point if the cycle continues to persists, we may come to the realization that anything we do differently will not break the cycle, because whatever the root of the WAS unhappiness is - it is no longer is about us and if they are unwilling to face it - it can go on and on - and
as long as it goes on - and in CAW's case (I don't believe her to be unique, but will only speak on behalf of only my sitch, and maybe someone else will notice similarities.), she will not put any faith that this M is any part of her happiness in the future. To listen to her, she had an unhappy childhood, her first M was a disaster (dated a father figure 18 years older than she when she was a senior in highschool - when she got pregnant, he proposed. 9 months after the first child they had a second. Within a year, she left him, for a kid who just graduated from highschool and still living with his folks [Me!].) The only times she stated as being happy in her life was when she was pregnant and the first four years we lived together (not married tho) and worked the same jobs and shifts, so we were together 24/7. Altho, even during those four years, what she stated was would make her even happier was to have my baby. I was firm that we should wait until we were married. Our oldest was conceived on our wedding nite.
After that tho it did take long to notice changes in our R and in CAW. A spiral that landed CAW an institution for suicidal depression eight years ago. Six years ago, CAW had pulled out of her depression and we had a really good chance to turn our M around, but I had gottin' in a funk (depression altho I wouldn't admit it) which lasted about four years). CAW got tired of waiting. That's what it took to give me a swift kick in the A$$ and forced me to face myself in the mirror.

Huh! I really don't know why I felt I had to revisit this in that kind of detail - other than to fortify the conclusion I came to last Wednesday - I think we're stuck in a cycle that's not going to change, because CAW has come to think any periods of good times are fleeting and if
she stays with what she has, she is missing out on keeping with that fleeting happiness. I am becoming convinced that she will not accept what she has now is enough until she has lost it.

"Plan B" - Take away what they have in hopes that they will miss it. One needs to get to the point where they are totally detached - drop the rope - walk away - move on and if need - never look back. Wednesday, I believe I have reach the point where I can start moving in this direction.

Since last Wednesday, I have come and lurked on the bb, and you folks without knowing have help me get some balance again tho. As I had asked Wonder, I started asking myself, "Have I done everything that might make Plan A work?" Knowing now that I can accept moving foward with Plan B if the answer is "Yes". With a renewed sense of clarity, I know there were some things I was afraid to try in case they could lead to forcing my hand to move forward with Plan B. Now I think I'm ready to try those options. I am also going to take advantage of working nights to read the book my Sis gave me for Xmas - "Love Must Be Tough" in hopes to give me some more options. (Not to sound like I'll be ignoring my job, but by working nites, I'll be home alone while CAW is at work and D10 at school, so I'll should have a lot more free time to myself.) With those options, I going to take the next four weeks to make whatever arrangements I need to move forward with Plan B in case I'm going to need it, especially since CAW seems to have a Plan B too.

From Betsey:
Quote:

I'm just wondering, though, why it appears that CAW always has a bag packed at the door?

In my last two threads, I have gone into detail the insights I have gain from CAW's journal. (before the 2x4's come out about reading her journal, please read thru those posts to put it all in context.) ... but to sum up in 15 words or less ... CAW believes by staying in M, she could be missing out on something grander.
Quote:

Anyway, it seems like CAW has some abandonment issues of her own ... I'm curious to know why you think she might feel that way with you?

Bets, from the time CAW was pregnant with D10, I've given her plenty of reasons. While I never would ever consider leaving our M, I escaped in many other ways. There is an eight year gap between our D's. We waited a couple of years before trying for a second child. After three years, we gave up hope, so D10 was a total suprise. By that time, my outlook on having a second child had change dramatically. As a result, I was lacking in the fathering aspect, not going to open houses, brownie meetings, school concerts, etc... As an escape, I delved into hobbies that led to solitude. It didn't take long before CAW resented how I chose to spend my time and felt like a widow many times over ... a computer widow, a darkroom widow, a model railroader widow, etc... then came my depression, became a couch potato that gained fifty pounds and didn't do anything around the house because things would only break again anyways. Physical abandonment isn't the only form, mental and emotional abandonment is just as hurtful ... and something that has been going thru my mind quite a bit lately is I wonder if CAW can really ever forgive me for that. I was as far as I could be from the guy that gets all these praises KAW been getting around this bb now and why I still feel deserving of them.

Kitti, Patti, PnB: Journalling ... well I'm figuring there's gonna be lotsa of it in the next few weeks.

Bridget: You always make me smile. I never liked lemonade! ... don't want to ever have to wear a sourpuss again, so you're right ... I got to leave it behind and I'd love to come dance to your strumming on your cherry red guitar. Have you know, you have been a big part of me getting to the point where I can now consider Plan "B". Thanks for the hugs, too.

Merrick: Be expecting an email soon.

Andy:
Quote:

KAW isn’t Andy, and Andy isn’t KAW.

I've said before and I'll say it again. I could swear we were twins ... well, at least as Schwarzenegger was to DeVito. Andy, I just don't want to be trapped in this cycle which is appearing to be endless. Don't get me wrong, I will DB to the end as I see DBing as progressive, no matter what the outcome and I accept the fact that it is a slooooow process and am devoted to taking as long as it takes ... so long as I'm not standing still ... or worse yet chasing my tail.

Well this is more like it ... this is more like what Saturday's post was suppose to look like. LOL I'll try to find a middle ground soon ... well at least with post length if nothing else ...

'til later,
KAW