Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[Phoebe]

Well, for someone claiming to only have time for a short update, I sure do write a lot. I had plenty of time last night because I didn't sleep even one minute. I went to bed around 5:15, lay there for about 45 minutes, and then I just said "forget it," and got back out of bed. If I wasn't tired by that hour, it just wasn't going to happen.

So... I've got another possible opportunity to reset my body clock. It's going to be another melatonin night...

I journaled all over poor SH's thread in my sleep-deficient state, and, since it was about a pretty major breakdown, I'm going to put it here, too, to keep it here so I can monitor my trajectory over time.

SH, it seems that you and I have a somewhat similar feeling about treading near the edge of the dark shadowlands. Most of the time, I'm doing quite well these days, but yesterday I got triggered really badly, and literally went down to the ground sobbing and hyperventilating in the land of shadows, which happened to be in my diningroom. I had this flashback feeling that I was right back in the same time and space as the first time WH ran away from an argument that came seemingly out of the blue. I closed my eyes and I could see him in the doorway, saying that he was scared. I didn't understand. He was scared to sever his ties to me, but he didn't say that. I just recognize it in hindsight.

This was about 18 months before he ran away for good. In hindsight, I now know that he was already fully engaged in his wayward/pre-wayward behavior by then (clubbing and telling new "friends" that he was divorced), but the emotional pain I experienced last night was worse than when that particular argument actually occurred, because now I know what was really going on.

At the time, I was mostly in a state of shock because I didn't understand WTF had happened and how it had escalated so rapidly. I was completely taken aback and simply reacting. When he walked out the door and drove back to the house in the other state, I got in the car and followed him. In hindsight, I should have just let him go. It was foreshadowing, but at the time it just seemed like I made an obvious gesture that he was important to me, we talked, and eventually got things back on track.

Apparently not. To my everlasting regret, we didn't go get help right away. Maybe it would have changed something. Or maybe it wouldn't have. I'll never know.

So, it was a pretty crummy way to spend an evening, but just goes to show that there are still rogue waves out in the ocean, just waiting to randomly crash over me. That one certainly hit without much warning and knocked me for a loop.

Tonight I am going to a ski swap/show to look at used ski equipment and see what the semi-local ski resorts are offering for tickets, lessons, etc. If nothing else, it will be interesting to see all of the gear.

My legal case(s) are starting to ramp up again. I have two scheduled court appearances next month, so now I need to start preparing for my out of state L. I got a break for a few days, but the massive money and soul-svcking vacuum called Divorce won't be satisfied until we're both well-drained on all counts. It's all still just impossible to wrap my head around. I just keep floating along with the current, doing my best to keep my feet up and away from any danger of entrapment by an unseen patch of Rapids.

Well, I'm falling asleep, so maybe a micro nap is in order.