Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #4]

[Rose888]

AP -- thanks for the cheerleading. I need it. Clean boxers, every day now.

CT -- no, I cannot flirt w/ random women in bookstores. And I certainly cannot get up at 5am to jog! But your point is well taken. Stretch my wings, see what that feels like. It will be hard for me -- because right now things just don't feel right for my kids -- but I will try.

Wasn't CT's advice for your work trip? Your kids won't be with you, right? So there should be no reason you can't stretch yourself a bit to do something just for you.

[mulesqb]

mulesqb - reading your post made me wonder - curious of the percentage of divorce for those who come her and have a live in vs. those who S via different places? Doubt there are any quantification floating around, but there are a few of us who all kinda got here at the same time. I know for myself and some other contemporaries, no way could see a live-in sitch, too dmn challenging. I feel much more likely to succeed while her and I are apart. Yes, apart, she has full mystery to see OM and act how she wants, but I am also pain free as I have the same mystery for her (even though for me there is no other except my little black dog, numerous pushups, and some textbooks). I am lovingly detached and not sure I would have made that if I remained in co-habitation. You have thoughts on what I've said? Thanks.

Hey CT - Interesting you bring that up. Back in my day that was a big question and topic for discussion. Overwhelming answer was to separate. I know for me the minute she moved out (and I really mean minute)the entire house decompressed. It was unreal because she was at such odds with my kids. Don't get me wrong, they were sad but in no time they realized it was a much better living arrangement. But in my case they were always with me full time, even before I won full custody.

I do remember at one point I moved out of our bedroom and was sleeping on a futon. My boys really had a hard time with that. But I got ridiculed here about never leaving your bed so I went back. When I did she moved into the basement. That felt like such a victory and set the tone for me as a leading man. I also know that she was not happy with the arrangement either. She wanted complete privacy to do whatever it is that she was doing and certainly didn't want me knowing. So living in that sitch was extremely difficult and drove an incredible wedge between us. The more I saw what she was up to the more I didn't like her and started to lose feeling for her until eventually I was done.

PS - congratulations to the happiness of where you life is now and I think it is very cool that you revisit here. I intend to do the same one day, for better or worse as they say.

Thanks - It's hard for me to spend a whole lot of time here but lately I have just been feeling very thankful for all the people that helped me. Wanted to just come back for a bit and see if I could help anyone. Love seeing the integrity, strength and honor that all you guys are showing. You're all going to be ok. I just remember the fear of the unknown and wanted to put minds at ease. I think that will help with DB efforts. That fear made me make so many mistakes.

Mules

[ForGump]

Wasn't CT's advice for your work trip? Your kids won't be with you, right? So there should be no reason you can't stretch yourself a bit to do something just for you.

I just mean that in my current frame of mind, where I'm worried about my kids, it's hard for me to go behave like a single man. I'm just not feeling that kind of freedom.

[ForGump]

(Mules -- glad you came back to help us. Your voice means a lot to me.)

EA implies there was a two-way exchange of emotions.
PA implies there was romantic/sexual physical contact.

I just saw someone use "IA" in this forum: imagined affair. That seems to imply that the person was cognizant that it was just imagined in his/her head.

My wife imagined an affair but she believes emotional exchange actually took place. She had a delusion. She hallucinated it. Is that a "DA"? "HA"?

[ForGump]

I AM OK DIVORCING MY WIFE
MY KIDS WILL BE OK AFTER I DIVORCE MY WIFE

I'm going to keep repeating this until I believe it

[JRuss]

I took the IA term to mean a one-way EA, meaning one party (and for us here, it would be the walkaway/wayward spouse) participates in it, views it and feels it as an EA, maybe even wants it to go PA, but the affair "partner" doesn't return the emotions/feelings.

So, all the infidelity of a typical affair from the LBS' perspective, but maybe slightly better because it might give the wayward the sense that (s)he isn't such hot $hit afterall because he/she couldn't get the partner interested?

[JRuss]

I AM OK DIVORCING MY WIFE
MY KIDS WILL BE OK AFTER I DIVORCE MY WIFE

I'm going to keep repeating this until I believe it

I'm getting there re your first line; still not there on the second, by a large measure. Stuck.

[ForGump]

I took the IA term to mean a one-way EA, meaning one party participates in it, views it and feels it as an EA, maybe even wants it to go PA, but the affair "partner" doesn't return the emotions/feelings.

I think in most cases person doing the IA ***knows*** that the affair partner isn't reciprocating. For example, I can have a torrid IA with Natalie Portman but I know she isn't reciprocating.

But what would you call it if I ***actually believed*** Natalie Portman was reciprocating in some fashion? Is it still just an IA? Or is it a DA/HA?

[JRuss]

It would probably mean you need to get with an IC, stat.

[mulesqb]

I just mean that in my current frame of mind, where I'm worried about my kids, it's hard for me to go behave like a single man. I'm just not feeling that kind of freedom.

If it comes to that, you will know when it's time. And you will want to.

Strength and Honor

Mules