Papers are filed, here comes the D. Focus on me

[BluWave]

(((Cherry, Coly, jksD, SH, all DBers)))

I just want to add that I appreciate that we can all come from different perspectives and can respectfully disagree with one another. If we validated each other AND only agreed with one another's advice, then we would not learn much new, would we?

Keep in mind that I came here because I did everything wrong and failed at DB for a long time! I wonder had I been posting during my separation and taken some (much needed) 2*4s of my own, then perhaps I would have made some better choices. More so, I think I could have avoided some heart ache and suffering.

So I admire you all for coming here and having the courage to share your stories and vulnerabilities!

-Blu

[hawker]

Thanks for sharing your story Blu...I read through it the other day and you gave me alot to think about!! It really helps to read other people's posts because of the different perspectives that we might not see ourselves!!

[Cherry]

I agree, I think it helps to be given different opinions and see what works. Sometimes it's hard to see straight when in your in situation, a different view from an outsider can help.

And I do welcome a hit with a 2 x 4, because sometimes we all need a kick up the ass, I also welcome support! Heck, everyone's is welcome a mi casa!

I have had yet another busy day with S.. park, a nice walk, a guilty shop for me and picked up my new iPhone. The task now is sorting it out, my patience does not extend to technology! Wh was around today, I don't know why, but he is back to ignoring me. Again I'm still carrying on as normal. His chaos, not mine. I don't know if I journaled the other day that he said he thought I would fight for us more. I'm not sure if this is a scripted statement? Anyone heard this? I chose not to change my approach to db-ing. Would you agree this is right? I don't see how throwing myself at him when I'm treated like sh!t would help me at all. I chose to step back and leave him to it to respect his wishes, but most importantly help my own sanity. If I was in a perusing stage (like he kinda requests) then I would be a needy attached individual. I don't think I'd have self respect for myself, and I would never have been able to come to terms with being separated, or able to see my L, or have my papers ready to file. Plus, it seems like a request to cake eat, have some needs met elsewhere and the ego boost of a w at home meeting needs and throwing herself at you?! No can do.

It just seemed really strange that a wayward would say that they want a D, but then say that they want to see you fight for your M more? Gees.. don't worry, I didn't take it onboard. Nor has it changed my approach, I just thought I would throw it out there and get it journaled down in my telenovela..

[JRuss]

It means he's noticing how well you're DBing, he's feeling it, he doesn't like it, it makes him question things, feels the guilt he's trying hard to suppress, he doesn't like that, either, and he wants to get you back to the pursuer/distancer dynamic that he's addicted to.

Stay strong -- you're doing great, and you're truly inspiring for a lot of us.

[Cherry]

Thanks jruss, it means a lot that I have you guys support and you think I'm doing good. So it's the puppet master not being happy that your no longer dancing to their tune. I shall keep at it

[PsySara]

I may have been tempted to smack WH with a real 2x4 if he said that, haha! What do these dorks think we're doing? The very fact that we didn't throat punch them when we found out they cheated shows we are fighting for our marriage.

Anyways, Dory has the wise. I find I do better with observing after I've gone dark for a bit. It gives me a bit of time to regroup myself and strategize, then I pretend WH is one of my patients are try to remain clinical. I think of it like an experiment, I try something and record the result in my head. If the results are not to my desires then I change up the behavior and note the results. This has made my Dbing more efficient. One thing is for sure, Pursuing causes my WH to slide back into taking me for granted.

[JksD]

Cherry,
Sounds like wh is not happy that things are going according to his script.

Big disclaimer: consider the following advice carefully, because I could be projecting my wants on you.

I have been told the same thing before. And this is what I realised I should have done.

In a calm and civil manner, paraphrase what is said: It seems like you feel I am not working to save the marriage. What do you think can be done differently? What makes you feel that way?

There are 2 possible scenarios here:

A) he goes spewing but doesn't know what he wants

B) he goes spewing and goes on and on about where you went wrong in the M or recently

If it's A), quickly cut conversation short in as civil a manner as possible.

If it's B), listen very carefully to what he is saying. Filter out the background noises (his anger) and see if there is any truth. You should also minimise his spewing because who wants to be shouted at and accused? But you should at least hear him out.

If it's B, and you feel that there may be things that are valid AND within your control, acknowledge. And work on it.

If it's just plain fault-finding and vilifying and rewriting of history, ignore.


It's not easy and I don't know how appropriate it is at this point in time. But if you can take it emotionally, with no expectations, I thought this might be worth a try.

FWIW, the x's spew occasionally had some nuggets of truth. Not all the time tho.

[JksD]

Are not going according to his script...

[Zues126]

I don't know if I journaled the other day that he said he thought I would fight for us more.

I've got your back on this.

Go out and don yourself with full on knight armor and weaponry. I'm talking the chainmail, helmet, shield with an insignia of a dragon, broadsword, the whole nine. Rent a horse and everything. Then just stay there, standing on your horse, in the middle of the freaking living room. When he comes home, throw the gauntlet down on the carpet and draw your sword on him. When he asks what the heck is going on, tell him you are fighting for your marriage.

This is absolutely MWD recommended, I don't know how it got ommitted from her last publication. If that doesn't win him back, revert to LRT.

PS- just posted to csabo and referenced your sitch in terms of understanding where the WAS is coming from.

Me forethinketh mayhap I will see thee anon (or whatever).

[SH_]

I don't know if I journaled the other day that he said he thought I would fight for us more.

I've got your back on this.

Go out and don yourself with full on knight armor and weaponry. I'm talking the chainmail, helmet, shield with an insignia of a dragon, broadsword, the whole nine. Rent a horse and everything. Then just stay there, standing on your horse, in the middle of the freaking living room. When he comes home, throw the gauntlet down on the carpet and draw your sword on him. When he asks what the heck is going on, tell him you are fighting for your marriage.

This is absolutely MWD recommended, I don't know how it got ommitted from her last publication. If that doesn't win him back, revert to LRT.

PS- just posted to csabo and referenced your sitch in terms of understanding where the WAS is coming from.

Me forethinketh mayhap I will see thee anon (or whatever).

I love this Zeus!