Focus on Me and my Boys 8

[J5K]

Mach, Sandi, Ginger,

Thank you for the responses.

Mach,

Agree, will not pre-decide before it presents itself.
Agree she will have to put her big girl pants on now. Ball is in her court.

Sandi,

LOL! You know me too well...yes, I want my M back and clearly understand it will be different. It has to be for both of us, that is the reality.

I will have certain needs that need to be met though and if we cannot agree then it is not worth the move there.

I did find a Gottman certified MC in Toronto and will request that she agree to go to MC prior to the move.

I will not split the boys up. If we move, we move into the new house together. I have no issue going there so she can have visits with the boys and she and I start to date and rebuild the R.

Transparency will be required also, no lying from either of us.

Not sure what her L will tell her but even if we did move up there and D'd there later, I know for a fact she has no plan (budget) on how she will survive.

My L asked her during the dep what her budget was if she were to receive custody and she had no idea. She stated her parents were going to gift the house and she was going to buy a car with the money she received from the D but had no idea how much money she would get.

She had no documentation on restrictions to work either. All of this is in her head.

When I was in court on Wednesday, I saw 4 cases go in front of the judge and there were 3 cases where the mom's stated they were SAHMs and had no job. Judge had no sympathy for them and told each one of them to get a job, not for the sake of getting a job but for the sake of the children to live and sustain the lifestyle they know.

Ginger,

As Mach stated, I don't know and can't predict. If she does want to discuss, the only way I will be able to know is by the tone of her voice and looking at her face to face to see if she is truly remorseful. Is there a risk, absolutely!

My DB coach said that if I let fear control my actions though, I will not be able to have a healthy R with STBX so from that POV, I will have to take a chance also. I took that chance once when I first met STBX, no reason I cannot take it again. Letting go of the fear creates courage.

I will have to take some advice I posted on another thread.
I am confident I can control my emotions now. I need to go into this like I am partnering up for running a business, no expectation on emotional connection, that will have to come at a later time. STBX and I will have to come to an agreement. An agreement means that I will hold myself accountable for abiding by the agreement and STBX will hold herself accountable. Only then will there be an opportunity to move forward in a positive direction.

I cannot control the reason why she would want to come back and do realize that one or both of us may slip, but I cannot let that stop me from continuing to work on myself and take care of the boys.