Catching up your update there and a few things struck me:
Quote: Actually, I've been a experiencing a swelling of anger and while CAW does not seem to have noticed, I feel that it is affecting my actions some, even though I'm trying not to let it.
Sounds like great DBing if she doesn't notice this. But I have fallen into this also, getting angry and frustrated about things that she MIGHT be thinking. There have been some things that my W has done that have made me angry and my anger has swelled, but it is best to use a different channel to express that anger and not the old way of "in your face" screaming. Thank God for my heavy bag!
While I have never mentioned this before, ever since the "dark" times, one of my triggers is whenever she thinks I'm walking out of the room she is in, she'll ask, "Are you leaving me?" or whenever she feels the onset of a panic attack, she'll plead. "Don't leave me!" It just makes my skin crawl every time I hear that it like that!!! What pops into my head EVERY time is ... "This woman has been pondering, scheming to leave me in a very long term way for over two years and she has the nerve to demand I don't leave the room!" For a while I was able to just dismiss it and replace it with "Well at least for tonite she wants to be with me." ... with the hope that each time she says it will fortify ... "Yes, I really want to be with this guy." However, lately, with the hints always popping up that she is still continuing to scheme an excape, now when I hear it, I can now feel the anger behind my thoughts and it doesn't release so easily now. I still try not to react in any way while feeling this way, but I wonder if any of it pops out in any way. CAW hasn't given any hints that it does.
Quote:
Quote: I guess I too am asking the same questions CAW is ... "Is there something better out there I can go for? Do I risk everthing I have to obtain it?"
Have we or have we not all asked ourselves this question at one time or another? And it is usually after all the initial pain and anger goes away. I think this is a byproduct of detachment, where we detached from our outcomes so much, that we think whether what we are doing is worth it or not. I, for one, am struggling with this question too. But the answer will always be the same until the ink is dry, "Yes, it is worth it, even if my W and I reconcile or not." And it is because of the valuable lessons learned and becoming a man that I can be proud of.
Upon to this point for me it more or less always been a rhetorical question. On not taken very seriously, since I was playing the role of being that lighthouse I mentioned to you. Not it doesn't seem so outlandish. Maybe its because my lightbulb is getting dim upstairs.
Quote:
Quote: to walk away from that love after 23 years would make me feel like a failure? Right or wrong, it is how I would feel? How would that make me happy?
Its one of the hardest pills to swallow for me too, and I have only been M'd for 8 years. My love for my W will never die. I care for her and hope to the high heavens that nothing happens to her. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that. My heart will always contain love for my W, even if we D. So, if we D, I don't consider it failure on my part, but the love between us wasn't strong enough to keep each other in our lives as H and W. And even though my D procs are coming to a close, all the nasty things said and done, and I almost at the finish line, I will still love this person, because I chose to spend a little of my precious life with her.
I have a strong belief that at some point in time CAW is gonna realize the choices that makes her WA were a mistake and if that occurs after we have moved on, it will end up being tragic. I can't help but think how my actions had started her down this road. All of this was totally preventable ... hence my sense of failure. Something I'm gonna have to learn to live with...
... but may greatest hope at this point is that CAW will come to this realization sooner than later.
Lunch break is over ... Andy & Sue, hope to get back soon to comment ...
It just makes my skin crawl every time I hear that it like that!!! 
What pops into my head EVERY time is ... "This woman has been pondering, scheming to leave me in a very long term way for over two years and she has the nerve to demand I don't leave the room!" For a while I was able to just dismiss it and replace it with "Well at least for tonite she wants to be with me." ... with the hope that each time she says it will fortify ... "Yes, I really want to be with this guy." 
However, lately, with the hints always popping up that she is still continuing to scheme an excape, now when I hear it, I can now feel the anger behind my thoughts and it doesn't release so easily now. I still try not to react in any way while feeling this way, but I wonder if any of it pops out in any way. CAW hasn't given any hints that it does.
