Ciluzen, ericmsant2, cat04 - I am not worried about an EA with anyone because these female friends are either sick of hearing about my sitch or what my perspective is on it (some DBers too). I chose to speak with female friends because I am more comfortable being vulnerable around them. I don't know how I am "vigilant" about any of these friendships, other than it's new for me to lean on people for help. Ironically, the one woman I have spoken to the most is gay. She has been generous in reminding me of things I need to remember about my sitch and keeping me PMA. She's been skillful at pointing out how juvenile so much of my W's behavior is, because I am taking her MLC so seriously. She's also the only female friend who didn't say she would have already bailed on the M if she were in my shoes.
I don't feel unlovable, I'm just looking for comfort. There's so much uncertainty, vulnerability, fragility and frailty. I'm not used to it. I know what I'm doing at work and with my kids, but I suppose I really don't know where I'm going. I just keep telling myself to savor my last days as a full-time father, however short or long they may be.
MrBond - I definitely contributed my 50% towards a stale marriage. We didn't plan on having a third child. Life got in the way and we were both overwhelmed with the workload of 3 children. The demands of the household were depressing to me and aggravating to her. We became roommates juggling parenting tasks. Looking back, I can see we were both stuck - as a couple and an individuals. If it wasn't for her MLC, we might be in the exact same place right now. I admit something had to change.
I see the "marriage crisis" as a side effect of the MLC. W decided to crash our marriage after her MLC set in. W didn't come to me saying "things aren't good, we have to work things out". She declared she was checking out as my wife, looking to sleep around and that a separation or a D was her only route to happiness ("I want to be free, I don't want to be here.")
Brubeck,
I want to say that I agree with Mr. Bond about the book and I agree with you that the marriage crisis is a side effect of the MLC. Personally, I believe if the marriage was strong and wonderful, the MLCer would turn to the spouse and deal with their problems within the marriage instead of looking outside.
It reminds me of the "Perfect Storm." Problems in the marriage+ no MLC= problems can be resolved. No problems in the marriage + MLC= MLC can be navigated. Problems in the marriage + MLC= Perfect Storm of destruction.
As far as being vigilant about opposite sex friendships, I wanted to clarify...When we have them, and we all do, it is up to the people involved to make sure that the relationship doesn't cross boundaries that endanger the marital/romantic relationship. That could look as simple as no flirting, no talking about relationship stuff, not spending time together without the spouses or other people.
Sometimes these friendships can get a bit more personal and still protect the boundaries of the marriage. It simply depends on all of the people involved.
My biggest confidant is male. How I speak and how he responds makes all of the difference. There is no "white knight" sort of behavior on either part to comfort or fix whatever we might talk about. There is fun, friendship, trust, and occasionally tmi. There is also the knowledge on both parts that IF either of our partners ever said..."this is a problem"... the friendship would be no more. If people saw how we interacted, they would probably never believe there was a deep friendship there.
That is what I meant by being vigilant. No one can police our friendship but us. If it is something we want to continue, we have to be upfront and honest with ourselves and each other about the content.
Another thing that doesn't happen, is that we don't go to each other when we are particularly vunerable. It would be to easy to get lines crossed in that situation. While we like to believe we control our feelings, that isn't always the case, hence the saying "the heart wants what the heart wants". Logic doesn't rule matters of the heart.
Please understand that no one is picking on you. What people (I) picked up on in your thread was the change in your tone when you spoke about your friend that you had lunch with in comparison with your tone in other posts. It set off warning bells. No one here can tell you what to do, but we can try to help you avoid the pitfalls we may face.
I hope you are doing well.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
