Life has changed, and I choose to grow from it.

[Phoebe]

SH, did you ever watch the video where the original Sweet Brown interview is mixed and set to music. I'm sure you have! OMG. I love that video. I'm going to have to go watch it again, since you reminded me about her!

I have to say that your news that the original D case has been dismissed is really surprising. And bizarre. And I'm thinking that it must also be a bit frustrating, because you are squarely in limbo again.

It seems that you and I have a somewhat similar feeling about treading near the edge of the dark shadowlands. Most of the time, I'm doing quite well these days, but yesterday I got triggered really badly, and literally went down to the ground sobbing and hyperventilating in the land of shadows, which happened to be in my diningroom. I had this flashback feeling that I was right back in the same time and space as the first time WH ran away from an argument that came seemingly out of the blue. I closed my eyes and I pull see hi in the doorway, saying that he was scared. I didn't understand. He was scared to sever his ties to me, but he didn't say that. I just recognize it in hindsight.

This was about 18 months before he ran away for good. In hindsight, I now know that he was already fully engaged in his wayward/pre-wayward behavior by then (clubbing and telling new "friends" that he was divorced), but the emotional pain I experienced last night was worse than when that particular argument actually occurred, because now I know what was really going on.

At the time, I was mostly in a state of shock because I didn't understand WTF had happened and how it had escalated so rapidly. I was completely taken aback and simply reacting. When he walked out the door and drove back to the house in the other state, I got in the car and followed him. In hindsight, I should have just let him go. It was foreshadowing, but at the time it just seemed like I made an obvious gesture that he was important to me, we talked, and eventually got things back on track.

Apparently not. To my everlasting regret, we didn't go get help right away. Maybe it would have changed something. Or maybe it wouldn't have. I'll never know.

I'm sorry, SH. I just journaled all over your thread. And here I was supposed to be sleeping. : ( It's now after 5 am in my neck of the woods. Drat.