Catching up your update there and a few things struck me:
Quote: Actually, I've been a experiencing a swelling of anger and while CAW does not seem to have noticed, I feel that it is affecting my actions some, even though I'm trying not to let it.
Sounds like great DBing if she doesn't notice this. But I have fallen into this also, getting angry and frustrated about things that she MIGHT be thinking. There have been some things that my W has done that have made me angry and my anger has swelled, but it is best to use a different channel to express that anger and not the old way of "in your face" screaming. Thank God for my heavy bag!
Quote: I guess I too am asking the same questions CAW is ... "Is there something better out there I can go for? Do I risk everthing I have to obtain it?"
Have we or have we not all asked ourselves this question at one time or another? And it is usually after all the initial pain and anger goes away. I think this is a byproduct of detachment, where we detached from our outcomes so much, that we think whether what we are doing is worth it or not. I, for one, am struggling with this question too. But the answer will always be the same until the ink is dry, "Yes, it is worth it, even if my W and I reconcile or not." And it is because of the valuable lessons learned and becoming a man that I can be proud of.
Quote: to walk away from that love after 23 years would make me feel like a failure? Right or wrong, it is how I would feel? How would that make me happy?
Its one of the hardest pills to swallow for me too, and I have only been M'd for 8 years. My love for my W will never die. I care for her and hope to the high heavens that nothing happens to her. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that. My heart will always contain love for my W, even if we D. So, if we D, I don't consider it failure on my part, but the love between us wasn't strong enough to keep each other in our lives as H and W. And even though my D procs are coming to a close, all the nasty things said and done, and I almost at the finish line, I will still love this person, because I chose to spend a little of my precious life with her.
Keep it strong!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
