Quote: KAW, would you please refresh my memory? What happens when you go a bit dark with your W
Being that CAW had never moved out, going dark was a tactic that I never really applied. Ironically, it was her preception that I went "dark" on her during the course of our M that caused its downfall, so one of my big 180's was to show I no longer wanted to be in the "dark". What I had come up with was to remind her daily, I am always willing to share time together whenever she wants. Even in the face of her indifference I would continue to be willing and accessible to give her a chance to change her mind. Sometimes this worked and when I saw it didn't then I would give her total space and do my thing ... A tricky "reverse DBing" strategy but it worked. The only point where I went dark gray, was when her hostility grew because she was blaming me for keeping her from being happy, so I backed off as much as I could in an attempt to remove myself from that equation and over time her anger subsided.
The only other time I have backed off was last spring when she re-initiated contact with OM and started giving me the cold shoulder. That's why my yard is now minus an unsightly tree trunk and two boulders as I had plenty of time to dig them out by hand!
Tal, I agree with your succinct list of options. Not really all that different then when the bomb first went off. Option 1, obviously, is a direction I would hope we could avoid and as I stated to her the first time, if she chooses to pursue this option, I don't know I don't think I can remain open to an "us" if she decided to take that course as I don't think I could live with being second choice afterwards. Option #3 is currently one of my greatest fears I struggle. Wondering if there is a way to circumvent this while hoping for option #4 to play out. Option #4 is the outcome I'm striving for, which is why I have stuck it out this far ... but at some point, I guess if I stop believing in option #4, then I will need to consider option #2.
Replace the word "option" with "door" and I could be playing "The Price is Right". ... but what it come right down to, is the only option I can choose is option #2 (bearing in mind that option #3 can result by my ineffectness to choose option #2.) ... so it comes down to the million dollar question ... At what point do I act upon option #2?
Livnlearn: Thank for dropping by and the support.
Quote: You wrote a very memorable post on my thread a while ago, about the ocean liner taking a while to turn around. Well, right at the moment my ocean liner seems to have juddered to a screeching halt, cut the engine, and is apparently totally confused about which direction to move in, and seems to prefer being buffeted about by the raging high seas...
... but on a positive note, its no longer heading full steam ahead away from your shore. As for your question about residing in limboland for years, well I refer you to my above comments to Tal.
PnB: I hoping I can continue riding wave too, ... its just now knowing I might have to ride it for another year, I starting to feel sea sick.
Hoping:
Quote: There are many new people here, with fresh ideas..
That was my thought with starting a new thread. This bb is such a deep well of resources from such wonderful people.
Cathy & LL: I value both your words equally in hopes of finding ways to change the dynamics I'm currently while keeping a realistic eye on what is obtainable. In one aspect, I guess I too am asking the same questions CAW is ... "Is there something better out there I can go for? Do I risk everthing I have to obtain it?"
Andy: My ole' pal.
Quote: I’ve been accused of victim mentality. I’ve been told that I’m a great guy, and that I could easily find someone else. I’ve been told that if my love for my W hurts me so much, then why not just stop loving her? If love is a choice, then logically, it goes both ways. Either my W can start loving me, or I can choose to stop loving her.
Perhaps that’s the ultimate 180. But to be honest, KAW, I think the past 25 years are too deeply ingrained in me. I honestly don’t believe that putting all of that behind me would make me happier. I’m not happy, KAW. Make no mistake about that. But I also know that I wouldn’t be happier if W left the house. She thinks I would. “Out of sight, out of mind,” I guess. But she’s not a goldfish that I can just flush down the toilet and get a new one.
Sorry, KAW. I’m rambling a bit. Not sure where I’m trying to go with this.
I kinda think I do ... How does the choice to stop loving CAW going to make me happy? I've loved her for 23 years and that love is part of what makes me happy. That love never waned, just how I expressed it. To add to that, to walk away from that love after 23 years would make me feel like a failure? Right or wrong, it is how I would feel? How would that make me happy? But Andy, is that clouding our vision of how we see our future? Is it a true basis to which to hold hope against that once again our S's will feel as they once did or is it an illusion we are deceiving ourselves with? Andy, I'm so sorry that you have not been able to make any headway in your sitch. I don't wish to see you taking up a permanent residence in Limboland. You've been here far too long as it is.
Slowly:
Quote: i know this is against dbing rules, but IMHO, your w is a silly cow.
LMAO over this! CAW's motif in the kitchen is black & white dairy cows. There are ceramic cows everywhere! Now, I'm gonna have a difficult time not picturing my W's face among them each time I walk in. Thanks for the smile you brought me with that one!
... but what it come right down to, is the only option I can choose is option #2 (bearing in mind that option #3 can result by my ineffectness to choose option #2.) ... so it comes down to the million dollar question ... At what point do I act upon option #2?
CAW's motif in the kitchen is black & white dairy cows. There are ceramic cows everywhere! Now, I'm gonna have a difficult time not picturing my W's face among them each time I walk in. Thanks for the smile you brought me with that one! 
