Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

Eric,
I want you to know that I have read all of your posts you wrote me. I appreciate the time and effort you have given to help me. I really do.

Also, I want to thank AndrewP for the links. I will catch up with Eric's story tomorrow and over the weekend.

Just to confirm, I believe you are still a stay at home dad – right?

That is correct. Been a stay at home dad since October of 2010. My S6 was about 10 months old when we moved to FL from AZ. My W had gotten a better paying job and we talked it over and decided I would stay home. He went to daycare when we lived in AZ.

Question: What type of work/income did you have in your 1st marriage and when you and your W were dating? Did you ever establish a career? From your post I gathered that you have been a stay at home dad since 2010. Correct?

I had a steady job during my 1st marriage. It was my first job out of college (I actually started it while still in college). The pay was good for being in my early 20's. My 1st W and I made about the same money. It was a job I stayed at until my current W and I moved to AZ in 2006 when she got a job opportunity there. Once we moved there I didn't find quite as good a job, but I did have a steady job until we moved to FL and became a stay at home dad.

Question: What was your childhood like?

Childhood was ok. No major drama during my childhood. Lived with my mom, dad and sister. Typical middle class family in the town where my mom grew up in. I was always a quiet/shy kid and struggled I feel with self confidence. I had friends but didn't really like to hang out with many of them after school. I was a loner most of the time when not in school.

In my early 20's (during my 1st marriage) I found out the guy I called dad wasn't really my dad. I have actually never met my real dad. I guess he got my mom pregnant while he was in college and didn't want a kid so he split. I alwasys suspected the dad who raised me wasn't my real dad but I was never told anything until one day my sister was in my parents filing cabinet looking for her birth certificate when she found a copy of mine and asked my mom why no father was listed on it. My mom calls me up to tell me. She said she figured I always knew, but she had never actually told me anything until I was in my 20's.

I was upset but like I said I always suspected it to be true. I have never had a desire to find my real dad. I don't want to know the man who left and never bothered to check up on me. I remember my mom told me his name, but I was so zoned out I don't even remember what she said and I have never asked her about it since that day.

I suspect that the result of your first W cheating on YOU was never really addressed. Having had someone cheat on me, I know how much of a hit ones self confidence takes. So I wonder, were you confident as a child? Did you self esteem issues as a kid? How did you handle the first divorce?

I guess I addressed the self esteem issues in answering the question above.

As for my first divorce. I was devastated when it happened. I was a mess. I remember being so depressed and I was going to a therapist who got me on some anti depressants. Part of my depression was I didn't know she was cheating on me until a couple of months after we separated. After I found out she was cheating on me I was very angry. I remember punching a hole in the wall and destroying a bunch of our wedding stuff (I was living at the house alone by this time, so she didn't know). It was my first love and I think her first love too, which might have made it harder.

Looking back, we didn't know what we were doing. We had just gotten out of college and were in love so we did what we thought we were supposed to do which is get married. They marriage was fine but I think immaturity and not understanding what it means to be married was what did us in. She actually ended up marrying the person she had the affair with and as far as I know they are still together with a couple of kids. I held a lot of anger towards her for a while but I forgive her now and I hope she would forgive me. If I saw her tomorrow, I would be fine with talking to her and wishing her the best.

I will say the problems in that 1st marriage were not really addressed. My 1st wife didn't talk to me about it and I think some of the problems my current wife has with me are similar to the first wife.

I dated a couple of women for a short time after the 1st marriage before meeting my current W. When I met my W for the first time I remember thinking that I better enjoy her while she is around, because she is way out of my league. I guess that will tell where my self confidence was at the time.

From where I sit…YOUR W is truly in a life crisis. So as hard as it is. I cannot stress enough HOW YOU MUST MAKE THIS, EVERY ACTION, EVERY DECISION…about YOU and what is GOOD for YOU and YOUR children. You must completely DETACH.
Your W has asked for a divorce 3 times, she has multiple OM, she has had EA’s, she has kissed one of the men (at least that you know of), by her own admission she has cheated in past relationships, she spends 1-2 hrs a day with the kids and even after all of this, she seems confused . This sounds to me like she is totally in a crisis mode.

I agree with you completely.

Soooo reminds me of my ex. She wanted me to cook, clean, help the kids with homework, pick up, drop off, do laundry and then leave when she came home. They really just confirm that your W is more than likely on the crisis express. You cannot fix HER.

I am learning the hard way I can't fix her. I think I am at the point where I don't even want to try. I feel I can be there for her if she needs me, but I have got to stop worrying about her.

I actually wonder if you are afraid to get angry.

There might be some truth in this. I used to get angry easily. Like I mentioned during the breakup of my 1st marriage and showed anger. For some reason with this W I have often let her get her way (although she will tell you the opposite). I don't know if it was because of what happened in the 1st marriage but I just don't want my wife to be angry at me.

I also suspect that the fact that you do not work has you worried about how you can continue to take care of your kids. Buddy….You will be OKAY man. You will. Your kids will be okay. Do not use them as an excuse to not face your demons (for the record I did it for a long time).

This is true. I am worried about not working. I have been thinking of a plan to get back into working and being able to support my kids. I have thought about getting jobs in the past but my W never really cared if I did. She would rather have me around for the kids.She wanted a parent at home with the kids all the time and didn't want to use daycare.

Question: Are you still in GA?

Yes

Question: Do you have a journal?

No, but I will get one this weekend.

I will research your story tomorrow/this weekend.

I plan on going on the hike this weekend. Hopefully this Saturday morning. I want to go alone. I haven't really had much alone time since this all started and maybe just being outside in nature will help me clear my head. I don't know, but I think I need some time for myself.

Finally, I sooooo wished you could see what I see in your post and in YOU. I see so much HOPE, so much positivity in YOUR sitch. I see you becoming everything you’ve ever wanted to be.

Thanks for telling me this and thanks for everything you have done for me. I really appreciate it. I don't know where I would be without this board and all the great people that are helping.