Papers are filed, here comes the D. Focus on me

[JksD]

Sweet Cherry,
You're one of the very few DBers that will draw me out from my self-imposed exile.

I am a nerd. I am one of those who trawled through this website earnestly in the name of research and for a flicker of hope. I have read more than a handful (can't remember but it may be two handfuls or more? And yes, I have 10 fingers)

So I have this to say. I have read of dbers who succeeded and who chronicled almost every single interaction with their spouses. They took the strategy of monitoring and doing what works very seriously. Many times it was very painful but they were hopeful. They knew their efforts could have been futile but they plowed through and succeeded nonetheless.

Then there are those who totally gave no thought to their spouses at all and also succeeded.

What are the common threads between the two groups? Both groups of dbers worked on themselves, kept their side of the street clean and managed to show their spouses their changes were sincere. They were also kick-ass strong and would have been able to survive without their spouses, although the latter group would be more obvious in terms of letting go of the rope.

I guess there are slightly different variations to successful dbing. And it's not always about NC or no NC.

Going dim is a strategy for protecting and rebuilding yourself. It doesn't have to be a permanent strategy.

Cherry, do what works for you. Work on yourself. You can notice the small positive changes but do not let your hopes get up. For the positive changes to be meaningful, there has to be an upward trend.

I hate to say this but at this point in time, you really must be prepared for the D to go through. There can be miracles but you have to start living like the D will/ has happened.

And then despite this, still be civil and cordial to your H. And keep doing what works. And when possible, and definitely not at your emotional, legal or financial expense, show your H compassion. Firm boundaries should still be in place.

My dear friend, it's a tough road and I feel for you and your little ones. It's not easy. I only have 1 kid and I am struggling.

You're a strong woman and you have so many kind souls rooting for you.

((((((Cherry))))))

[Cherry]

Guys, thank you all for the advise and the constant support. It means so much to me to have you all supporting me on the journey

I have for sure been through this and been through the whole cycle before with wh. Believe me, I understand that I can't trust that this is him becoming interested in working on the R. I know I may across that I'm constantly venting about wh and his actions, but my good friend grl has summed up my approach completely- I journal it. I monitor what he is doing, while keeping myself doing some self improvement, and in doing so- I can see what works and what doesn't work.

I think I must come across like I'm sat wallowing waiting for him to come or waiting for him to throw me a bone, but believe me, I'm not. I am already practically living as a divorcee. I don't have the financial support really from him. My pay check comes in, and i make sure I have money to pay bills and live on. I manage to single parent because he is never home,I work, I take my mil to her health appointments, I do all my housework, have my antenatal appointments, I cook, and if I can I squeeze some life in there and see friends. There is no needs of mine being met by him- and I'm used to it. I am prepared for him to leave, I have a solicitor, I've got all my tax forms filled in, and the forms for extra child support- they're ready and waiting because I can't file them until he has moved out and we would be shown as a legally separated couple. While we are still under the same roof- we are still classed as a couple regardless of the set up. I'm fully prepared mentally and physically to be gone. I've even gone as far to planning my birth and arrival of baby without him.

I think the above partly shows how I am the woman he would be a fool to loose. I am far stronger than him. I have everything sorted, every decision made, I know me and my babies will be just fine in every respect.

My walls are fully up towards him, I am no way a crying damsel in distress. He used to complain that I would never just listen to him without giving my opinion, or getting emotional. Every recent conversation I have had with him has been a full 180, my emotions are in check, I'm calm- no anger- no tears. I'm strong, my boundaries are in place and I know my worth. I let him speak, get his thoughts across and validate. That is all, no opinions or suggestions to him. No letting him in on my mind and my thoughts, he doesn't get to see that side of me right now.

I understand that there is the worry that I would make the same mistakes as last time, but I realise the error of my ways. I know where I went wrong and I leapt to quick. Obviously I don't want a quick fix and find myself back here. I'm prepared either way. And either way would be a different journey. And IF he did say he wanted to work on the M, I would want to know what he is planning to change himself, and then joint goals for the M. There would be a lot of work and full remorse.

In the meantime, his actions are positive, he is starting to think he has a problem in himself, that's a big admition. I don't think he's cake eating, because I'm not really seeing him let alone meeting any of his needs.

[ForGump]

You are an inspiration to a (relatively) old man. I don't know where you get your strength. I need some of that.

[Cherry]

Thanks forgump. I surprise myself at times! Just trying to find a way through this craziness I guess

[BluWave]

(((Cherry)))

I am very glad to read that you are doing well, moving forward, and focusing on you. I don't want to bombard you with anything else today :-) Keep on keepin on sister! You got this!

-Blu

[Cherry]

Thanks blu. I really appreciate that you take the time to swing by and feel I'm doing good.

Everything is there in place, and I'm prepared for the d to happen. He is more withdrawn today. But I'm carrying on as usual. Had a busy day again with S and an important meeting earlier on in the day. So now time to relax.

Again I know it seems as though I am perhaps monitoring his behaviour, and in a sense- I am. But I like to journal where I'm up to.

[JksD]

Sweet Cherry,
When you're monitoring his behaviour, how does it make you feel?

Any time you feel like you're on a rollercoaster, you should pull back on your monitoring. Monitoring works best when you can entertain the thought of the behaviour without being negatively influenced by it.

Monitor, journal and then file away in a drawer that will not affect your emotional wellbeing.

Keep strong, Cherry.

[SH_]

Cherry,

It is good to read a post like this from you as you articulate more of what you are doing and how you are moving forward.

We believe in you and the efforts you are making.
I worry sometimes though....and please forgive me, because it may not be my place to worry about you and far be it that I am any type of expert in what you are going through because I am not....but my concern comes in the sense that my best friend of over 30 years is in a similar sitch and he is over 2 years into it and it is tough to watch. He did not have DB until I found it for my sitch and he has been slow to grab onto it, but long story short, its still quite the mess.

I have been close with Sara's sitch here and I see a pattern between yours and her sitch so when you say this,

In the meantime, his actions are positive, he is starting to think he has a problem in himself, that's a big admition. I don't think he's cake eating, because I'm not really seeing him let alone meeting any of his needs.

It is hard to have faith in thinking he had an epiphany of late.
You, yourself have already gone through taking him back and then had it blow up again......
So from an outside perspective it raises concern.
Folks that have been through this are all sharing the same advice, which is for you to step back.........
And step into being a better version of yourself.....

But I won't go on, because as I say, it may not be my place to do so at his point.
I am sensitive to the cheating spouses due to my friend, and several of you that I would call friends in this community.
The little bot has called wolf way to many times for my comfort, if you know what I mean.....

I stand on the outside like I am watching a horror movie and I scream at you not to go into the dark creepy house that has the scary disturbing sounds coming from it while in the middle of a storm........

You are a strong young lady and only a handful of years older than my daughter and I may overstep with my firm fatherly advice.....but I do so with a pure intent of wanting to see you be well, while I know that regardless, the best way is to share my thoughts, support your decisions and actions, and be here to support you no matter what happens.
And that is what i shall do.

You and your family are in my prayers daily.....
Ilf ever I can provide thoughts or advice that you feel would benefit you, please simply let me know.

Coly,

Sorry but I disagree SH. I don't see that Cherry has been given poor advice by others, yes comfort but I thought that was what this board was all about.

As with anyone on this board Cherry is able to take or leave any advice whether it is from someone ruminating and in pain in their own sich or someone who has been through this and come out the other side. She can see what is good or bad and I can't see anyone on here on here has given advice which will make her sich worse.

I have read posts from the piecing forums and whilst they help to give hope they aren't all full of success stories and are full of people still in a huge amount of pain.

Cherry admits that she made the mistake of taking H back too quickly the last time and wont make that mistake again and we all agree. Most of us may not have been through her particular circumstances before but we are all grown up enough to tread carefully when dolling out advice and hope that we are able to provide support and comfort in our own way as much as someone who has been here a long time.

Sorry just my two pennies.

I appreciate that you disagree with me, and I admire that you did so, as I strongly believe in the need for more than one side to any thoughts or ideas.
I have thought on what you say here all day to share a response with these goals in mind.
1. To be respectful of all that are in this community, no matter what the stance or thoughts are on the advice and topics discussed.
2. Share my heartfelt and honest observations and food for thought in hopes of invoking a different perspective.
3. Support all that are going through the hell that I so clearly remember and feel in the pit of my soul and walked out through the other side.
4. And finally, ensure that I stay as true as I understand the principles that are DB/DR, because I searched high and low for information to save my marriage for several years, and found this when it was to late for me and my MR. In staying true to these principles, I hope to provide assistance to any that may still have a chance for success....

Yes, Cherry, you, me and all that are here can take or leave any advice that is provided.
I will stand by my advice to her and I will share it with all that I see, that there is more value in seeking assistance and advice from those that have gone through this, ins read of simply falling into a group that will wallow in the pain and get stuck.
This is not to say that one should avoid support or comfort from others that are struggling or in the midst of what many call the "LBS fog".
I think that we can all agree on the thought that I shared about "misery loves company" or "negative talk is contagious and can breed more negativity."
Hopefully you can see that this was brought up by several DBers as well as myself over the last week or so....Food for thought.

I have read posts from the piecing forums and whilst they help to give hope they aren't all full of success stories and are full of people still in a huge amount of pain.

Coly, this you will understand more as you progress in your journey.....
I know that you make this comment because that is what you see in the fog right now....
Most of us when we arrived said the same exact thing.....
And as I come out of the fog, this is what I learned....
I was seeking stories that showed DB would save my MR and bring my W back...that is what I thought success was.....After all, Divorce Busting...sounds like it would bust the Divorce...Right??
So I came in here and left several times because I wanted a place to show me how to get my W back....Instead I saw pain, folks that were here for years and divorced.....
There was no success in that!

So, my point here is that success with DBing is not only measured by saving the MR...It is saving YOU!
And the best chance to save the MR, is by starting with saving YOU!

Cherry is not in a piecing stage.....this is my point as it relates to advice that is not helping her.
Reading DB will explain this more, but 2 are needed to piece.....
He has a lot of work to do to even reach the point of starting that process.
Words are not the work he must do.
See sandi's rules about believing........

My statement about poor advice may have been a poor choice of words on my part.
My thought was more on the point that encouragement and ongoing conversations focused on WH thoughts and behaviors and judging them etc. is what I meant as poor advice.
Poor advice IMHO is anything contra the principles of DBing.
To be clear, I say principles, because there are many opinions about the details of DBing, but the principles themselves hold pretty true and sound.

Please do not confuse what I have said with saying that support and comfort from anyone, vet, longtime, or newly BD'd, in this community is not of value.

My point to Cherry is that she is at a critical point and assistance and advice from those that have gone through will benefit her....this I stand by as well.
Comfort comes in many forms.
There is comfort eating, comfort vices, comfort habits and comfort people.

They all have a place, but they do not necessarily get one to the goal they are heading towards.
This is why I suggested that she step out to threads of folks that have some hard answers and actions that can push her to the next level and assist her in being stronger to do what she must do to succeed in all of this.

In addition as Cherry is seeing a very small breakthrough in her H's attitude towards communication, whatever his motives might be, goes to show that Cherry has been listening and implementing the advice of the vets on here so she should be given some credit for this. She just happens to now be at another stage at which she might need different advice to help her navigate her sich

Coly, Cherry gets all the credit in the world for all that she has done.
This is why many vets and myself are sharing thoughts about stepping back. It is a fragile point and we know she understands this.....

Hopefully you also can step back so you can understand as you will see why I and others are sharing much the same.

Sorry, but I feel a bit upset that just because some of us who comment on Cherry's sich haven't successfully saved our marriages that we wouldn't be any help to her.

I hope that you can understand that my advice and others is to benefit Cherry, not to upset you.

I challenge you to take a moment and step back and read my thoughts and the others that have shared and take your self and sensitive emotions out of it and you to, can benefit from the things shared.

To be honest, when I first came here, and read the acronyms page and saw the term 2X4, I thought what the?!?!!?
Yup, they sting, but all of us that have been hit by them, we realize the benefit....sometimes it takes a bit.....but I have not seen a 2x4 meant for one actually sting another that was just reading over the shoulder.

I have stepped back from your thread Coly because I know my thoughts can come off strong and I have hoped for others that have the more gentle touch could help you. I am here to support you and I do feel bad that I have upset you, but I stand by my thoughts and I believe that Cherry knows that I support her and am here for her as well.

I apologize Cherry for taking up your thread to draft this, and I meant it to be shorter, but.....well, my curse is that of being long winded and full of speeches so tells me, my D18.

Take care....
I am still here, but will step back, as offense is not what I want to make someone feel.

[SH_]

PS,
JksD, makes a wonderful point here.......

Sweet Cherry,
When you're monitoring his behaviour, how does it make you feel?

Any time you feel like you're on a rollercoaster, you should pull back on your monitoring. Monitoring works best when you can entertain the thought of the behaviour without being negatively influenced by it.

Monitor, journal and then file away in a drawer that will not affect your emotional wellbeing.

Keep strong, Cherry.

Once again Grl, you show the world why you are one of my favorite DBer's around this neighborhood.

[Cherry]

SH, I really appreciate your thoughts, and I welcome anyone's support and am touched that I'm in your prayers, being a woman of faith, that means a lot as at the end of the day- god is the only person who knows what plan he has for us, and I believe in the power of prayer.

Perhaps my post should have outlined a little clearer on me and what I'm doing and my plan moving forward.

I totally agree with you, without him coming to me with his solutions on working on himself and full remorse, and seeing positive actions, all I shall do is acknowledge that he's thinking and carry on as normal. I won't take the crumbs, and I certainly won't make his life easy, not to find myself back here again- building myself up is too hard, long and painful. And I know I deserve to be cherished and respected- and he isn't capable of either right now.

Grl, I appreciate you coming by again means a lot you come out of hiding to help me (just shows how lovely and amazing you are!!). I get what you mean, most of the time, I find it helpful. But there is times when I sometimes feel I'm focussed a bit too much on him than I would prefer. Then like you say, I take a little step back and focus solely on me, leave him be for a while. But it is generally quite beneficial I feel for me to see which of my behaviours help him sit up and take note a little better. My dropping him and being completely unphased by his attention seemed to have got him curious, and that's how I'll continue. It's also easier for me, as my entire thoughts are focussed on me, my agenda and what I need to do.