Papers are filed, here comes the D. Focus on me

[SH_]

Cherry,

It is good to read a post like this from you as you articulate more of what you are doing and how you are moving forward.

We believe in you and the efforts you are making.
I worry sometimes though....and please forgive me, because it may not be my place to worry about you and far be it that I am any type of expert in what you are going through because I am not....but my concern comes in the sense that my best friend of over 30 years is in a similar sitch and he is over 2 years into it and it is tough to watch. He did not have DB until I found it for my sitch and he has been slow to grab onto it, but long story short, its still quite the mess.

I have been close with Sara's sitch here and I see a pattern between yours and her sitch so when you say this,

In the meantime, his actions are positive, he is starting to think he has a problem in himself, that's a big admition. I don't think he's cake eating, because I'm not really seeing him let alone meeting any of his needs.

It is hard to have faith in thinking he had an epiphany of late.
You, yourself have already gone through taking him back and then had it blow up again......
So from an outside perspective it raises concern.
Folks that have been through this are all sharing the same advice, which is for you to step back.........
And step into being a better version of yourself.....

But I won't go on, because as I say, it may not be my place to do so at his point.
I am sensitive to the cheating spouses due to my friend, and several of you that I would call friends in this community.
The little bot has called wolf way to many times for my comfort, if you know what I mean.....

I stand on the outside like I am watching a horror movie and I scream at you not to go into the dark creepy house that has the scary disturbing sounds coming from it while in the middle of a storm........

You are a strong young lady and only a handful of years older than my daughter and I may overstep with my firm fatherly advice.....but I do so with a pure intent of wanting to see you be well, while I know that regardless, the best way is to share my thoughts, support your decisions and actions, and be here to support you no matter what happens.
And that is what i shall do.

You and your family are in my prayers daily.....
Ilf ever I can provide thoughts or advice that you feel would benefit you, please simply let me know.

Coly,

Sorry but I disagree SH. I don't see that Cherry has been given poor advice by others, yes comfort but I thought that was what this board was all about.

As with anyone on this board Cherry is able to take or leave any advice whether it is from someone ruminating and in pain in their own sich or someone who has been through this and come out the other side. She can see what is good or bad and I can't see anyone on here on here has given advice which will make her sich worse.

I have read posts from the piecing forums and whilst they help to give hope they aren't all full of success stories and are full of people still in a huge amount of pain.

Cherry admits that she made the mistake of taking H back too quickly the last time and wont make that mistake again and we all agree. Most of us may not have been through her particular circumstances before but we are all grown up enough to tread carefully when dolling out advice and hope that we are able to provide support and comfort in our own way as much as someone who has been here a long time.

Sorry just my two pennies.

I appreciate that you disagree with me, and I admire that you did so, as I strongly believe in the need for more than one side to any thoughts or ideas.
I have thought on what you say here all day to share a response with these goals in mind.
1. To be respectful of all that are in this community, no matter what the stance or thoughts are on the advice and topics discussed.
2. Share my heartfelt and honest observations and food for thought in hopes of invoking a different perspective.
3. Support all that are going through the hell that I so clearly remember and feel in the pit of my soul and walked out through the other side.
4. And finally, ensure that I stay as true as I understand the principles that are DB/DR, because I searched high and low for information to save my marriage for several years, and found this when it was to late for me and my MR. In staying true to these principles, I hope to provide assistance to any that may still have a chance for success....

Yes, Cherry, you, me and all that are here can take or leave any advice that is provided.
I will stand by my advice to her and I will share it with all that I see, that there is more value in seeking assistance and advice from those that have gone through this, ins read of simply falling into a group that will wallow in the pain and get stuck.
This is not to say that one should avoid support or comfort from others that are struggling or in the midst of what many call the "LBS fog".
I think that we can all agree on the thought that I shared about "misery loves company" or "negative talk is contagious and can breed more negativity."
Hopefully you can see that this was brought up by several DBers as well as myself over the last week or so....Food for thought.

I have read posts from the piecing forums and whilst they help to give hope they aren't all full of success stories and are full of people still in a huge amount of pain.

Coly, this you will understand more as you progress in your journey.....
I know that you make this comment because that is what you see in the fog right now....
Most of us when we arrived said the same exact thing.....
And as I come out of the fog, this is what I learned....
I was seeking stories that showed DB would save my MR and bring my W back...that is what I thought success was.....After all, Divorce Busting...sounds like it would bust the Divorce...Right??
So I came in here and left several times because I wanted a place to show me how to get my W back....Instead I saw pain, folks that were here for years and divorced.....
There was no success in that!

So, my point here is that success with DBing is not only measured by saving the MR...It is saving YOU!
And the best chance to save the MR, is by starting with saving YOU!

Cherry is not in a piecing stage.....this is my point as it relates to advice that is not helping her.
Reading DB will explain this more, but 2 are needed to piece.....
He has a lot of work to do to even reach the point of starting that process.
Words are not the work he must do.
See sandi's rules about believing........

My statement about poor advice may have been a poor choice of words on my part.
My thought was more on the point that encouragement and ongoing conversations focused on WH thoughts and behaviors and judging them etc. is what I meant as poor advice.
Poor advice IMHO is anything contra the principles of DBing.
To be clear, I say principles, because there are many opinions about the details of DBing, but the principles themselves hold pretty true and sound.

Please do not confuse what I have said with saying that support and comfort from anyone, vet, longtime, or newly BD'd, in this community is not of value.

My point to Cherry is that she is at a critical point and assistance and advice from those that have gone through will benefit her....this I stand by as well.
Comfort comes in many forms.
There is comfort eating, comfort vices, comfort habits and comfort people.

They all have a place, but they do not necessarily get one to the goal they are heading towards.
This is why I suggested that she step out to threads of folks that have some hard answers and actions that can push her to the next level and assist her in being stronger to do what she must do to succeed in all of this.

In addition as Cherry is seeing a very small breakthrough in her H's attitude towards communication, whatever his motives might be, goes to show that Cherry has been listening and implementing the advice of the vets on here so she should be given some credit for this. She just happens to now be at another stage at which she might need different advice to help her navigate her sich

Coly, Cherry gets all the credit in the world for all that she has done.
This is why many vets and myself are sharing thoughts about stepping back. It is a fragile point and we know she understands this.....

Hopefully you also can step back so you can understand as you will see why I and others are sharing much the same.

Sorry, but I feel a bit upset that just because some of us who comment on Cherry's sich haven't successfully saved our marriages that we wouldn't be any help to her.

I hope that you can understand that my advice and others is to benefit Cherry, not to upset you.

I challenge you to take a moment and step back and read my thoughts and the others that have shared and take your self and sensitive emotions out of it and you to, can benefit from the things shared.

To be honest, when I first came here, and read the acronyms page and saw the term 2X4, I thought what the?!?!!?
Yup, they sting, but all of us that have been hit by them, we realize the benefit....sometimes it takes a bit.....but I have not seen a 2x4 meant for one actually sting another that was just reading over the shoulder.

I have stepped back from your thread Coly because I know my thoughts can come off strong and I have hoped for others that have the more gentle touch could help you. I am here to support you and I do feel bad that I have upset you, but I stand by my thoughts and I believe that Cherry knows that I support her and am here for her as well.

I apologize Cherry for taking up your thread to draft this, and I meant it to be shorter, but.....well, my curse is that of being long winded and full of speeches so tells me, my D18.

Take care....
I am still here, but will step back, as offense is not what I want to make someone feel.