Mules-- I appreciate all that you wrote. It's thoughtful and insightful. There is indeed something common to human nature, and similar problems repeat. But it also sounds like good things also happen afterward, commonly.
If I did not have kids, I would have divorced. Completely disconnected from W and tried to recover. But with two fairly young kids, I just am not able to do it. It just feels wrong. Just as I am physically unable to punch my kids in the face, I am unable to physically make myself do anything on the D because it will hurt them. Many say kids will be OK, but I don't feel it. Many say it's better for the kids to live in two peaceful households -- but we are not fighting. Sure, my W is grumpy but we haven't had a single argument in front of them.
I can and do sometimes dream about being with someone kinder, healthier. So it's not like I don't understand that life can be good after the divorce. Just can't make myself hurt the kids right now.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Mules-- I appreciate all that you wrote. It's thoughtful and insightful. There is indeed something common to human nature, and similar problems repeat. But it also sounds like good things also happen afterward, commonly.
If I did not have kids, I would have divorced. Completely disconnected from W and tried to recover. But with two fairly young kids, I just am not able to do it. It just feels wrong. Just as I am physically unable to punch my kids in the face, I am unable to physically make myself do anything on the D because it will hurt them. Many say kids will be OK, but I don't feel it. Many say it's better for the kids to live in two peaceful households -- but we are not fighting. Sure, my W is grumpy but we haven't had a single argument in front of them.
I can and do sometimes dream about being with someone kinder, healthier. So it's not like I don't understand that life can be good after the divorce. Just can't make myself hurt the kids right now.
Completely understood FG. Believe me I was there. It took a loooong time for me to make that decision to serve. I actually talked long and hard to my parents and her parents before doing. Only you can make that decision and I would never suggest that to somebody. That's way too personal. And you know how long my son has been in therapy but he was privy to way too much of what my XW was doing. From what I have read your W has not behaved that way.
I just wanted to give you some support because I know how tough the in-house sep can be. You start looking at little behaviors as potential positives and you cycle back and forth. It can be mentally and emotionally draining. I just wanted to let you know that won't last forever and no matter what the outcome you will have a good life, either a better M or a second chance to get it right. Keep being you.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
It hurts, and it hurts a lot. And I'm tormented in moments and on certain days. But the overall path I'm taking, I am at peace with that. I know I'm not able to make perfect choices but I know I'm doing all that I can, and no matter what happens I will be (mostly) at peace with myself and in front of the kids because I know I've tried to do what's right.
It would almost be easier if my W had outwardly bad behaviors. Then I could say, OK this is enough, kids are better off not to see this. (But then I'd be so sorry for the kids for having to see that stuff!)
Has your XW come back to her senses? Did/does she have any psychological issues? Substance abuse?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
A mini-BD today: W asked me (again) to work on our DYI divorce paperwork. I told her, "I am not able to make myself look at it. I am returning the packet to you. I'm willing to answer all questions about our finances."
I've wondered if it would show some strength for me to do the paperwork for her, but I just can't get myself to do it. My IC thought it was OK to handle it this way. Why parent my W by helping her figure out the divorce paperwork?
(Well, one reason is to save money but ... at this point I want to say screw it)
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
It hurts, and it hurts a lot. And I'm tormented in moments and on certain days. But the overall path I'm taking, I am at peace with that. I know I'm not able to make perfect choices but I know I'm doing all that I can, and no matter what happens I will be (mostly) at peace with myself and in front of the kids because I know I've tried to do what's right.
It would almost be easier if my W had outwardly bad behaviors. Then I could say, OK this is enough, kids are better off not to see this. (But then I'd be so sorry for the kids for having to see that stuff!)
Has your XW come back to her senses? Did/does she have any psychological issues? Substance abuse?
I can imagine the pain you are going through. What are you doing in terms of GAL? I don't mean once-in-a-while kind of things, I mean routine stuff. Do you go out with friends? I remember having to force myself to do that but once I did it became easier and most importantly felt good.
Your W is in an interesting case. Wants a D.. supposedly not attracted to you..still in the house...still being cordial...still being a good mother. Is she seeing a therapist??
My XW tried to call me about 3 years ago and apologize for everything and was pouring her heart out and crying. I stopped her and told her I had forgiven her but I had moved on with my life and was very happy and that she should be having this conversation with her significant other. We have been cordial ever since. It is amazing how I see her now. At times I find it amazing that I was ever attracted to her or I just don't remember her that way. We had been together 22 years and M for 17. She has psychological issues that she sees a therapist for. But I am not privy to them anymore. My kids relationship with her is not what you would hope for. They know who she is and remember how she behaved. She may have been abusing substances a while back, I'm not sure and wouldn't be surprised. Her OM was definitely in that world.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
A mini-BD today: W asked me (again) to work on our DYI divorce paperwork. I told her, "I am not able to make myself look at it. I am returning the packet to you. I'm willing to answer all questions about our finances."
I've wondered if it would show some strength for me to do the paperwork for her, but I just can't get myself to do it. My IC thought it was OK to handle it this way. Why parent my W by helping her figure out the divorce paperwork?
(Well, one reason is to save money but ... at this point I want to say screw it)
I think very simply, if you don't want the divorce and she does, then let her handle it. Just make sure you protect yourself. I know a lot of men who have deals they don't like at all. I was lucky. But I also spent every penny I had and a lot of pennies I didn't have.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
ForGump - you've been expecting this for a while. You've got your clean boxers on and handled the situation with style and grace. She's got to put on her own big girl panties now.
Deep breaths and perhaps think of something you can do For Gump.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
mulesqb - reading your post made me wonder - curious of the percentage of divorce for those who come her and have a live in vs. those who S via different places? Doubt there are any quantification floating around, but there are a few of us who all kinda got here at the same time. I know for myself and some other contemporaries, no way could see a live-in sitch, too dmn challenging. I feel much more likely to succeed while her and I are apart. Yes, apart, she has full mystery to see OM and act how she wants, but I am also pain free as I have the same mystery for her (even though for me there is no other except my little black dog, numerous pushups, and some textbooks). I am lovingly detached and not sure I would have made that if I remained in co-habitation. You have thoughts on what I've said? Thanks.
PS - congratulations to the happiness of where you life is now and I think it is very cool that you revisit here. I intend to do the same one day, for better or worse as they say.
FG -not a full hi-jack, my suggestions were that you speak with new people -BUT, my question was do you have any challenges planned for yourself? Great that you can speak with people - can you walk into a bookstore/music store/ coffee shop make eye contact for more than a few seconds with any woman, walk over and pay one single compliment that is flirty which gets a return comment, and then walk out on your terms leaving both smiling? Can you go for a jog along a new river shore at 5am get back to the hotel by 545, shower, shave dress, and still hit the 7am mixer breakfast in the lobby? Can you set a target to do anything that you have not done in this city before with the amount of time you have? When I travel its all business too - I keep either late nights, early mornings, or both - you can too. Time exists for you, you can find it, I believe in you. It may be simple like read instead of watching tv, try anew cologne on the trip, where your tie knot different or no tie, but dude - do anything, do anything new and challenging for you big small - for you. Your reply to me above was excusing what I suggested into oblivion. Really, get some of you.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
AP -- thanks for the cheerleading. I need it. Clean boxers, every day now.
CT -- no, I cannot flirt w/ random women in bookstores. And I certainly cannot get up at 5am to jog! But your point is well taken. Stretch my wings, see what that feels like. It will be hard for me -- because right now things just don't feel right for my kids -- but I will try.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
