I think there is a saying that says that when things are hard they carry on being hard, well I can relate to it tonight. Last night it was a week since I have put my dog to sleep and my mum announced me that my dad's leukaemia is back and that he's starting chemo next week!
Just to recap in the last 18 months I have gone through infidelity, end of my marriage, my mum's cancer, my dad's heart surgery, selling my house, losing my beloved pet and now this! I think I'm being tested on how much rubish I can take in such a short space of time, but you know what I'm finally understanding what detaching means. Last week I was sad for my dog, but knew it was the best thing to do for him, today I'm sad for my dad but it is out of my control. Now I have two choices: I can either go down to the self pity and negative road (the one that led to H's affair), or I can stay positive and see my dad has a chance to get better but if it doesn't work he would have lived his life to the fullest. The old Rouky would have gone down to road number one, this is no longer me, I'm looking at my life in a positive way. It will hurt but if it's his time to go then so be it. I can't control that.
On another note H has been showing sign of kindness. I haven't seen him physically for a week now and I'm much better, but he sent me a thank you text for the picture I gave him. I had to inform him about my dad health as it could have an impact on how I am with the kids but also so he is not surprised if I have to go back home in emergency so he can look after his own kids. Well he sent me a nice message. The beauty of it is that I'm not looking into it more than a friend being kind to me. If this is dropping the rope then I have found inner piece.
On a happy note I have felt happy, fulfilled, loved and satisfy with my life for the last two days and I feel so good. Can't describe it but it is a feeling I haven't felt before, and I believe God is putting me through all this to make me feel this and also to make me realise that my strength has always been there but never surfac because I was scared.
