Trying to detach - part deux

[Cherry]

Coly, I'm glad you have something fun planned in for you and D at the weekend. This will for sure help you.

This is a hard situation, and we have all kinds of twists and turns along the way. I see the list you made above about what you like about your h. Surfer did the opposite, and I found that helped me. It was a list of what I didn't like about wh. Separating the two people helped. They aren't our h's anymore, those men don't seem to exist, they've been replaced by the wayward. Focussing on his characteristics currently helped me to focus that he isn't the man I married, and that I wouldn't want him the way he is right now. Not to sound harsh, but we don't.

Wrt worrying about loosing that love, I wouldn't worry too much about that. What held me back for a very long time was the fear of loosing him. After seeing how far he was willing to take things last week, I kinda dumped that feeling. I realised I had already lost him, and I had a thought over what I wanted for me and my children. I don't want to live in fear he would repeat this if the necessary work isn't done and he realises his contributions to the fall of the marriage. I also don't want to live a life with a man who has no respect or does not love me.

When I started to step further away from him, he has become more of the persuer. Although he is starting to show a few positive steps, I'm keeping my distance still until he does a sharp 180 and starts to realise where he contributed to this. It's hard, it truly is. But you'll get there, just keep taking one step at a time. We are all here to hold you up, and if you want to vent or rant or whatever. We are here for you as a safe place

[Coly23]

Thanks Cherry. When I was writing the list I did keep thinking this was who he was before so maybe I do need to write a list of things I don't like about him now. Here goes:

Thoughtless
Selfish
Immature
Lazy
Grumpy

That's it but I think they are pretty big flaws in one person to have all at the same time!

I am really shocked at how your H is slowly coming to the realisation of what he is doing to his family. I wonder if it had anything to do with that time he sat in his car outside your house for hours. Maybe he needed time to think?

I can't see my H pursuing me in any shape or form. He is just too lazy and that's what worries me. I haven't texted/called him since last Thursday but I knew we needed to communicate about the arrangements for taking D to her work experience on Friday but I thought I would leave it as long as possible before I texted him. In the end he texted me today but that is only essential stuff. He did ask how my flight was this morning but I didn't respond to that only the stuff about D.

I don't know, I feel so up and down. When I came home tonight I felt a bit teary. Could be because I've been up since six this morning and just got home at 10.00pm but also the last time I flew for work I came home to H and I really missed that tonight.

[Cherry]

This is another of those firsts. I had to fly out for work, and the terminal I flew from was the one I flew from with h to Paris. It's strange how much little dumb things can set you off.

Believe me, my wh is the same, he's stubborn and will never admit he's wrong. So to actually say he thinks he is wrong about something, is monumental. Bare in mind it was only last week he wouldn't look at me, let alone speak to me. We just really don't know how they're thinking or if they even are thinking.

Sleep deprivation also affects our mental well being, or illness, that can affect it too. I know on my worse days, it's usually when I'm being super sick. I guess it's having all those years of someone to fuss and love us when we're down.

Hang in there, there has been some positives with your h. Just think the lighthouse and offer glimpses into your life of how good you're doing. Even if it's fake it til you make it (and there's a lot of faking it to start).

Big hugs lovely, you're doing great

[hawker]

Hey ladies...the firsts stink...I also flew back home recently by myself, we always used to go and get a bloody mary or beer before flying out. It made me sad at first but I went and ordered a bloody mary for myself and started talking to people that were sitting there. Sounds like you guys are doing a good job and hopefully things will get better!!! Love the lighthouse story!!!!

[Altair]

Hawker, great point-- 'firsts stink'. Coly and I (and others for sure, I only remember her timeline though) are heading towards a land of firsts. It's good to prepare for that, I'm realizing.
I'm going to a wedding by myself soon.

Coly how are things? I found the two descriptions of your H to be interesting.

[ForGump]

What about your W Gump? Was that a test by the way!!

Not a test. My IC asked me why do I love my W. I think she asked so I can reflect on my attraction to her, see how healthy it is or isn't, and hopefully not repeat any unhealthy tendencies in myself in the future.

For me, first there is the physical attraction. There are lots of nice folks out there but there has to be that to begin with, no? She can be intensively loving. Can be full of joy. She's not materialistic. Values people and experiences, not status or things (like cars, house, clothes, jewelry, etc.)

But each of the above is one facet of a complicated thing that is a person's personality. There are downsides. Primarily that I believe my W has some type of a psychological condition called borderline personality disorder, plus a ton of anxiety. What it all means is that throughout life she feels a deep hole in her heart that she needs to fill with intense attention from people, and is, over the long term, unable to find happiness from a stable (boring), loving (suffocating) relationship.

Sounds harsh but I'm trying to be brutally honest.

[Coly23]

Hey Ladies, yes all these firsts are going be tough but each time I get through one I feel a teeny weeny bit stronger.

I'm not too bad thanks Altair. Just having one of those days when I mind read H and think I know exactly how he is feeling. Today I can't imagine he has any feelings for me whatsoever and that is why it is so easy for him to detach from me. If makes me feel physically sick sometimes :0(

Well the the stuff I don't like about him is the way he is behaving now and that's why it's so hard to think that this person will ever love me again. Although I can imagine he is all sweetness and light to his friends so they don't see any difference!

Cherry, yes I am doing lots of faking it at the moment but it is making me very tired to put on a happy front to him. I actually feel a lot happier when I don't have any contact with him at all but when I do it takes me back a few steps.

Whilst I was driving to a meeting today I was thinking about all the things I would say to H if I got the chance, very un-DB! I then took a deep breath and thought, there i told him in my head so I can leave it now. It made me feel a little better!

Good that you still had your Bloody Mary Hawker!

[Coly23]

Hey Gump, it's not harsh but did your IC give you any pointers on how you can adapt to her personality or would it be just you providing your W with lots of attention to fill that hole in her heart? Although how do you do that if she thinks you are suffocating?

[hawker]

I think the suffocating statement comes with the A...my wife said that she felt like she was suffocating trying to figure out if she wanted to continue with the AP or work on the M

[ForGump]

The general advice from my IC is to stop behaving like a parent to her. Let her do things for herself, let her figure things out for herself. Be kind but firm in my interactions with her. My IC's goals for me isn't so much to "adapt to her personality" (as you wrote), but to focus on me being a healthy partner, and give her the opportunity to be a health partner herself. But my IC is also pessimistic that my W will really do that on her own.